Wednesday, March 30, 2011

WHO ARE THESE GUYS: Pierre Idiot Trudeau's award picks

[Ed. Note: First up in this year's who-gets-what-awards roundtable is Pierre Idiot Trudeau with some provocative hate speech suggestions.]

Norris: No Canuck to root for here, as it's been a blueline-by-committee kind of season. Last year's winner, Duncan Keith is unlikely to repeat. Perennial finalist Nick Lidstrom is having an off year (ONLY 58 POINTS! What a bum! (but seriously, -2?)), of course, he's old enough for the Honored Citizen discount on the bus.. Dustin Byfuglien, Tobias Enstrom, and Shea "Pierre Idiot Trudeau's Boyfriend" Weber are all worthy candidates, But I am going with a dark horse in this race, cuz, son, you can't get a handle on Keith Yandle.

Vezina: Luongo is having, arguably, his best season yet, and 'tis a Vezina caliber season to be sure. Jonathan Quick is also shining, sadly for those dudes, not one, but two other goalies are having record breaking seasons. Tim Thomas is a paper tiger whose numbers look good only because he's had so many shutouts, which we all know aren't the mark of a good goalie. [Ed. Note: Thomas' Sv% is 11% better than Luongo's; Thomas has seen 35 fewer shots in 5 fewer games (31.98 shots a game versus 29.75 for Luongo.)] Being good for one softie a game and then being able to take on 50 shots, now THAT'S the mark of being Roberto Luongo, er, I mean, a good goalie. Pekka Rinne is fucking ridiculous and I think he deserves it, cuz he ain't a Bruin and his name is fuckin' PEKKA.

Calder: No Canucks here, really, (though Schneider is awesome, 20 games won't bring home the hardware). This is between Crawford, Grabner, and Subban. Blackhawks can suck it and Crawford is like 35, so, no. As much as I would love Subban to take it so Montreal fans could have some hilariously racist celebration and then, a riot, I am gonna go with Grabner. I liked him on the Canucks last year and it will give the Vancouver media fresh meat for the bullshit pot...

Masterton: If i were to nominate a Canuck it would be Salo, to come back from an achilles injury [Ed. Note: fuck the Achilles; the guy lost a ball.] (after contemplating retirement because of it), is pretty badass. I doubt though, that will cut the league-wide mustard. This is a tough one, because without a clear cut case like, say, Phil Kessels nut cancer, casual observers of other teams don't often hear the stories of deserving players. I am gonna go with Milan Hejduk on this one for not issuing the "TRADE ME RIGHT FUCKING NOW!" ultimatum, for keeping his head high and trying every game while his team is in the basement, and for, apparently, deciding that he wants to stay an Av and finish as an Av. Hate your team, like your style.

Mark Messier NHL Leadership Award presented by Bridgestone: What the fuck?! Two problems here: 1) Why am I subjected to advertising from a goddamned trophy? Ed. Note: because Messier was tired.] 2) Why the fuck is there a Messier award and no Gretzky award? [Ed. Note: because Messier didn't humiliate himself after he retired.] Screw this award in its stupid face. Messier led the Canucks to the fucking golf course for three fucking seasons so fuck that guy. I guess I will go with Rick Nash. He leads his team the same way.


NHL Foundation Award: I have no idea what this is and I don't care. Paul Bissonette.

Lady Byng: Matt Cooke. Hands down.

(Matt Cooke, left, with hands down.)

Jack Adams: This is going to smack of complete homerism, but, Alain Vigneault is the clear winner. More than 300 man games lost to injury, more players used and more lineups than any other team and yet he's kept the Ship not only upright, but steaming straight ahead.

Selke: After Datsuyk being injured for a significant number of games, this is a two man race: Kesler and Toews. Kesler is the clear winner, as he is ever the stoic gentleman, serious captain, oh wait, Kesler's a jackass. But a freight train of epic proportions. And Toews is a Blackhawk, so, fuck him.

Hart: Consistency and lack thereof will probably decide this one. /bait Toews even being talked about here is laughable. /bait D. Sedin, Stamkos and Thomas are my finalists. With a bit of a slump at the end, I think Stammer comes in third on my ballot. Sedin, by a hair.

[Ed. Note: awesome work there. I can safely say that reading that pretty much did my ballot for me!]

No comments: