Thursday, March 31, 2011

WHO ARE THESE GUYS? Jew Grimson's award selections

[Ed. Note: Let me just ruin the joke: every award here is assigned to the young man shown below, whose non-threatening sexuality has, apparently, absolutely bewitched ol' Mr. Grimson.]

(Blackhawks Captain Jefferson Towes-Thomas)

[And how could you not give everything to Towes? I mean, it's not as if careful inspectation of his numbers on the year reveal a startling similarity to what everybody in the league is saying is Ovechkin's worst season as a pro or anything.]

You people are more insane than I am if you bother to read this, but here goes:

Norris: Sad to say, but it's not gonna be Duncan Keith, who apparently left his game somewhere next to his teeth. That or the EA sports hockey commercial where he was talking about doing everything himself must have made him think the opposite & thusly he's been doing NOTHING for himself. So even though he couldn't keep his torrid pace up (especially after signing that big 5 year contract), I'm gonna have to give the trophy to Dustin Byfuglien. Way to prove me wrong about the Blackhawks dumping you at the apex of your abilities. You're just lucky that Toews doesn't want to play at the blueline: otherwise he's the surefire Norris winner hands down.

Vezina: Hurts me to say this, but I'm gonna have to give the trophy to that flag-waving fucktard Quick...wait, this is MY trophy list and I can give it to whoever I want to. Toews! Then Crawford. Then Toews again. Fuck everything and everyone in the universe.

Calder: How can it be anyone besides Crawford? I mean, gutsy 90-year old rookie guides Chicago to a 2nd consecutive Stanley Cup? I'd give it to Subban if only he were more deserving AND PLAYED ON THE DAMN STANLEY CUP CHAMPIONS. Crawford by a million, a million two. (Reality? Subban. Then Toews, because he changed his game up and made it new. Toews' game for the Calder.)

Masterton: Iginla. 1st ballot Hall of Famer. Fuck all y'all. I know he's not a Blackhawk; he SHOULD be a Blackhawk. As it stands, he'll probably find himself on Detroit at some point and lift the Cup with them...WHEN BIZARRO BULLSHIT WORLD COMES TO PASS. His injury is: being a Flame. It's also what's noble about him. He'll retire a Flame. Real tip: It goes to Ray Emory, (sic) though fuck him in the ear-hole with an MX missile for beating Chicago yesterday. Fuckhead. But that aside, dude had Avascular Necrosis which basically means his hip bones started dying. Last I checked, the hip bones were pretty important to a goalie. That's pretty black metal. [Ed. Note: I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE. Note that Grimson has somehow shoehorned all three high-profile black players in the NHL into his post. Will he mention Chris Stewart and Evander Kane below? PROBABLY.] Also, he is Black Hextal (sic) but more likable. Also, Toews wins this, because he came back from AWESOME to become AWESOMER. Totes stole that from Idiot Treadeau and don't give a fuck.

Jack Adams: Coach Quenville's (sic) mustache. Not him; just his ‘stache. Fuck it, give it to Toews. He's a better coach anyway.

NHL Foundation Player Award: Awarded to the player who applies the core values of hockey to enrich the lives of people in his community Toews. Dude took the Cup to his hometown via public transportation!

King Clancy Memorial Trophy: Awarded to the player who best exemplifies leadership qualities on and off the ice and has made a noteworthy humanitarian contribution in his community. Toews. By virtue of his mere existence he makes the world a better place. 3 more Toews and all the world's wars end, universal health care and employment exist and labor is no longer alienated from workers.

Lady Byng: Alexandre Burrows. Just the way he spells his uber-crappy first name makes me want to punch him into next week, but at least I'd never pull his ponytail...if he had one. Yes, I do think this award is an insult; I also wouldn't be surprised if Kaner won it.

Mark Messier NHL Leadership Award: Of course it should be Blackhawks Captain Jonathan Toews. There is no doubt.

Hart: How can it be anyone else than Toews?

[Ed. Note: I dunno, maybe it could be one of the half-dozen guys with better numbers on teams higher than 8th in the West?]

Silke (sic): See above.

Conn Smythe: 2nd in a row...out of many forthcoming. Bye-bye to your record Roy.

In short, all awards: Toews. Honorable mention for Biznasty. Yeah, I stole that from P.I.T. I don't care. If you don't want it taken, don't leave it lying around. Seriously though, props. That was the best bit in any of these things.

[Ed. Note: ah. The "best bit in any of these things"...either he means "these things" are awards predictions, of which only two have so far been written, including this one, or he means "Biznasty for the Lady Byng" is the best joke he has seen on the site so far. If he means the latter, Your Humble Collision will stop typing on this humble site. Forever.]


pierre idiot trudeau said...

It was Biznasty for the community award.

Jew Grimson (AKA Bob Macajew) said...

Way to go pagro on the typos. I mean, it's not like that what I do for (not much of) a living...oh, wait.

Good point about Toews, because numbers tell you everything! I'm going to stop watching hockey and start watching a calculator instead of bothering with things like faceoffs won leading to goals, or defense from the forward position, or the ability to take your team by the ear and lift their hearts during period intermissions. These things all lead to wins. But who needs wins when you can have numbers? I'm going to type 19 on my calculator now.

As for the gag, The set up of "I don't know what it is or what it means so I'll just give it to Paul" = gold. If you don't feel that I'm gonna go Iago: "Demand me nothing: what you know, you know."

Also, Evander Kane and Chris Stewart are the best non-Blackhawks in the league, and you know this, man.

Jew Grimson (AKA Bob Macajew) said...

Also: JTT rooles, ok?