So tonight the crushing-all-that-stands-before-them Vancouver Canucks roll out of bed to face my belovéd Colorado Avalanche, who...well, look. They've dropped 8 in a row. They've been outscored 22-8 in their last 5. They've lost 18 of 19. Best stat? Outscored 79-32 while going 1-16-2.
And frankly, last year, when the Avs were nominally good, the Canucks owned them anyway, so prospects are what we call dim for getting out of British Columbia's
only loveliest city with even one point, let alone two.
The Canucks haven't faced Avs non-savior Brian Elliott much—3 games total (Elliott's gone 1-2, 2.70, .902 against them)—so they'll probably just go simple against him and, you know, shoot the puck. Which, given his .875 Sv% in an Avalanche uniform, will probably work just fucking fine.
This is not the time for a state-of-the-Avalanche screed—and anyway, my heart's not in it right now, so the anguished howl would probably come out more like a cur-kicked-in-the-visible-ribs whimper—but I would like to offer a couple predictions.
- Elliott gets pulled
- Budaj gets pulled
- Elliott gives up 2 goals after being reinserted after being pulled and if you think I'm trying to suggest that Coach Joe Sacco isn't exactly the world's greatest handler of goalies, YOU'RE FUCKING RIGHT
- The Avs score 2 goals and sustain one (more) injury, probably to leading scorer David Jones
- Jonas Holos will continue to indicate that "Jonas Holos" is a Dutch phrase meaning "forgettable second-pairing defenseman"
There is, actually, a little bit of hope. The Avs actually show up for two of every three periods they play against actually-good teams, allowing
delusional fuckwits fans to maintain a "hard luck" narrative and construct positive spins on 5-2 walkovers that rarely make the opposition break a sweat. So there's that. And, you know: every beating received this year brings the Avs closer to the first pick in this year's draft, which is being universally described as "meh".
I have a rareish night free tonight, and am trying to convince myself to hit up a sports bar to witness the atrocity the Canucks are likely to perpetrate on the
Little Sisters of the Poor Washington Generals mediocre and injury-riddled-on-top-of-that Avs squad, but probably I'll just go home, drink a gallon of beer and clean my bike chain.
Collision, setting a career high for heavy sighs