Thursday, March 31, 2011

WHO ARE THESE GUYS? Jew Grimson's award selections

[Ed. Note: Let me just ruin the joke: every award here is assigned to the young man shown below, whose non-threatening sexuality has, apparently, absolutely bewitched ol' Mr. Grimson.]

(Blackhawks Captain Jefferson Towes-Thomas)

[And how could you not give everything to Towes? I mean, it's not as if careful inspectation of his numbers on the year reveal a startling similarity to what everybody in the league is saying is Ovechkin's worst season as a pro or anything.]

You people are more insane than I am if you bother to read this, but here goes:

Norris: Sad to say, but it's not gonna be Duncan Keith, who apparently left his game somewhere next to his teeth. That or the EA sports hockey commercial where he was talking about doing everything himself must have made him think the opposite & thusly he's been doing NOTHING for himself. So even though he couldn't keep his torrid pace up (especially after signing that big 5 year contract), I'm gonna have to give the trophy to Dustin Byfuglien. Way to prove me wrong about the Blackhawks dumping you at the apex of your abilities. You're just lucky that Toews doesn't want to play at the blueline: otherwise he's the surefire Norris winner hands down.

Vezina: Hurts me to say this, but I'm gonna have to give the trophy to that flag-waving fucktard Quick...wait, this is MY trophy list and I can give it to whoever I want to. Toews! Then Crawford. Then Toews again. Fuck everything and everyone in the universe.

Calder: How can it be anyone besides Crawford? I mean, gutsy 90-year old rookie guides Chicago to a 2nd consecutive Stanley Cup? I'd give it to Subban if only he were more deserving AND PLAYED ON THE DAMN STANLEY CUP CHAMPIONS. Crawford by a million, a million two. (Reality? Subban. Then Toews, because he changed his game up and made it new. Toews' game for the Calder.)

Masterton: Iginla. 1st ballot Hall of Famer. Fuck all y'all. I know he's not a Blackhawk; he SHOULD be a Blackhawk. As it stands, he'll probably find himself on Detroit at some point and lift the Cup with them...WHEN BIZARRO BULLSHIT WORLD COMES TO PASS. His injury is: being a Flame. It's also what's noble about him. He'll retire a Flame. Real tip: It goes to Ray Emory, (sic) though fuck him in the ear-hole with an MX missile for beating Chicago yesterday. Fuckhead. But that aside, dude had Avascular Necrosis which basically means his hip bones started dying. Last I checked, the hip bones were pretty important to a goalie. That's pretty black metal. [Ed. Note: I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE. Note that Grimson has somehow shoehorned all three high-profile black players in the NHL into his post. Will he mention Chris Stewart and Evander Kane below? PROBABLY.] Also, he is Black Hextal (sic) but more likable. Also, Toews wins this, because he came back from AWESOME to become AWESOMER. Totes stole that from Idiot Treadeau and don't give a fuck.

Jack Adams: Coach Quenville's (sic) mustache. Not him; just his ‘stache. Fuck it, give it to Toews. He's a better coach anyway.

NHL Foundation Player Award: Awarded to the player who applies the core values of hockey to enrich the lives of people in his community Toews. Dude took the Cup to his hometown via public transportation!

King Clancy Memorial Trophy: Awarded to the player who best exemplifies leadership qualities on and off the ice and has made a noteworthy humanitarian contribution in his community. Toews. By virtue of his mere existence he makes the world a better place. 3 more Toews and all the world's wars end, universal health care and employment exist and labor is no longer alienated from workers.

Lady Byng: Alexandre Burrows. Just the way he spells his uber-crappy first name makes me want to punch him into next week, but at least I'd never pull his ponytail...if he had one. Yes, I do think this award is an insult; I also wouldn't be surprised if Kaner won it.

Mark Messier NHL Leadership Award: Of course it should be Blackhawks Captain Jonathan Toews. There is no doubt.

Hart: How can it be anyone else than Toews?

[Ed. Note: I dunno, maybe it could be one of the half-dozen guys with better numbers on teams higher than 8th in the West?]

Silke (sic): See above.

Conn Smythe: 2nd in a row...out of many forthcoming. Bye-bye to your record Roy.

In short, all awards: Toews. Honorable mention for Biznasty. Yeah, I stole that from P.I.T. I don't care. If you don't want it taken, don't leave it lying around. Seriously though, props. That was the best bit in any of these things.

[Ed. Note: ah. The "best bit in any of these things"...either he means "these things" are awards predictions, of which only two have so far been written, including this one, or he means "Biznasty for the Lady Byng" is the best joke he has seen on the site so far. If he means the latter, Your Humble Collision will stop typing on this humble site. Forever.]

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

WHO ARE THESE GUYS: Pierre Idiot Trudeau's award picks

[Ed. Note: First up in this year's who-gets-what-awards roundtable is Pierre Idiot Trudeau with some provocative hate speech suggestions.]

Norris: No Canuck to root for here, as it's been a blueline-by-committee kind of season. Last year's winner, Duncan Keith is unlikely to repeat. Perennial finalist Nick Lidstrom is having an off year (ONLY 58 POINTS! What a bum! (but seriously, -2?)), of course, he's old enough for the Honored Citizen discount on the bus.. Dustin Byfuglien, Tobias Enstrom, and Shea "Pierre Idiot Trudeau's Boyfriend" Weber are all worthy candidates, But I am going with a dark horse in this race, cuz, son, you can't get a handle on Keith Yandle.

Vezina: Luongo is having, arguably, his best season yet, and 'tis a Vezina caliber season to be sure. Jonathan Quick is also shining, sadly for those dudes, not one, but two other goalies are having record breaking seasons. Tim Thomas is a paper tiger whose numbers look good only because he's had so many shutouts, which we all know aren't the mark of a good goalie. [Ed. Note: Thomas' Sv% is 11% better than Luongo's; Thomas has seen 35 fewer shots in 5 fewer games (31.98 shots a game versus 29.75 for Luongo.)] Being good for one softie a game and then being able to take on 50 shots, now THAT'S the mark of being Roberto Luongo, er, I mean, a good goalie. Pekka Rinne is fucking ridiculous and I think he deserves it, cuz he ain't a Bruin and his name is fuckin' PEKKA.

Calder: No Canucks here, really, (though Schneider is awesome, 20 games won't bring home the hardware). This is between Crawford, Grabner, and Subban. Blackhawks can suck it and Crawford is like 35, so, no. As much as I would love Subban to take it so Montreal fans could have some hilariously racist celebration and then, a riot, I am gonna go with Grabner. I liked him on the Canucks last year and it will give the Vancouver media fresh meat for the bullshit pot...

Masterton: If i were to nominate a Canuck it would be Salo, to come back from an achilles injury [Ed. Note: fuck the Achilles; the guy lost a ball.] (after contemplating retirement because of it), is pretty badass. I doubt though, that will cut the league-wide mustard. This is a tough one, because without a clear cut case like, say, Phil Kessels nut cancer, casual observers of other teams don't often hear the stories of deserving players. I am gonna go with Milan Hejduk on this one for not issuing the "TRADE ME RIGHT FUCKING NOW!" ultimatum, for keeping his head high and trying every game while his team is in the basement, and for, apparently, deciding that he wants to stay an Av and finish as an Av. Hate your team, like your style.

Mark Messier NHL Leadership Award presented by Bridgestone: What the fuck?! Two problems here: 1) Why am I subjected to advertising from a goddamned trophy? Ed. Note: because Messier was tired.] 2) Why the fuck is there a Messier award and no Gretzky award? [Ed. Note: because Messier didn't humiliate himself after he retired.] Screw this award in its stupid face. Messier led the Canucks to the fucking golf course for three fucking seasons so fuck that guy. I guess I will go with Rick Nash. He leads his team the same way.


NHL Foundation Award: I have no idea what this is and I don't care. Paul Bissonette.

Lady Byng: Matt Cooke. Hands down.

(Matt Cooke, left, with hands down.)

Jack Adams: This is going to smack of complete homerism, but, Alain Vigneault is the clear winner. More than 300 man games lost to injury, more players used and more lineups than any other team and yet he's kept the Ship not only upright, but steaming straight ahead.

Selke: After Datsuyk being injured for a significant number of games, this is a two man race: Kesler and Toews. Kesler is the clear winner, as he is ever the stoic gentleman, serious captain, oh wait, Kesler's a jackass. But a freight train of epic proportions. And Toews is a Blackhawk, so, fuck him.

Hart: Consistency and lack thereof will probably decide this one. /bait Toews even being talked about here is laughable. /bait D. Sedin, Stamkos and Thomas are my finalists. With a bit of a slump at the end, I think Stammer comes in third on my ballot. Sedin, by a hair.

[Ed. Note: awesome work there. I can safely say that reading that pretty much did my ballot for me!]

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

a creamy portal OR how you will know Chris Collision

I noted the other day that the NHL, golly! what personalities these guys have! I mean, when it comes to unfettered, educated, wide-ranging minds, Canadians hockey players are very nearly as interesting as baseball players. Before Pierre Idiot Trudeau starts flipping out, I will acknowledge that "interesting" as it pertains to athletes usually translates to "spouting insane right-wing horseshittery" and I will concede that a nice, dull socialist Canadian is in fact preferable to a can't-take-your-ears-off-of-him sociopath like Gary Zimmerman or whoever.

As an Avs fan, this was recently pawned off on me as the result of an interview.

Now, I've taken some heat for my behind-the-scenes arm-twisting of my beloved other site contributors, particularly because this arm-twisting doesn't come with the kind of lightning-fast formatting and posting that can be expected of a guy with a full-time job, The World's Best Girlfriend In The World, other writing projects, and a full, rich suite of hobbies.

(Chris Collision shown engaging in his primary hobby.)

So I won't be suggesting that our Art Dude Bogdan von Pylon should 'shop pictures of us onto the answers we would give to these questions, answers surely far, far more entertaining than "I like movies, TV about dickheads, exercising, and then not exercising while not reading".

  1. Where would you like to retire following your career?
    Well, I've always thought Barcelona was a truly overlooked and underrated world city, but I'd have to say that the real decision would probably come down to Funkytown vs. Erotic City.
  2. Do you prefer reading the book or watching the movie?
    Well, I'm not at all convinced that this is an interesting distinction. On one hand, the two different art forms often can offer fascinatingly divergent interpretations of what is perhaps only nominally the same thing. On the other, it seems likely that the best books are all but completely incapable of being properly rendered in a spectacular medium like film--and vice versa! Surely no filmic equivalent of Melville's musing on the color white--and I choose that example advisedly, to be sure--has ever been constructed. And let us not underrate the power of film! No prose stylist who ever lived could match the awesome potency of the Super Star Destroyer flying--and flying--and flying--over the audience's head at the beginning of Star Wars. I suppose, then, that my answer must necessarily be "when either is maximally itself, both, and where the two mediums overlap and strive to achieve similar aims, likely neither".
  3. What was your favorite subject in school?
    Oh, just the one? Heavens, it's practically impossible to answer this. While my heart and soul sang with the potential and rage of the titans of social science--Marx, Weber, C. Wright Mills--my mind was consumed with the promise and delight of Dell Hymes, Jerry Goldsmith, and James McCawley. However none of those Elysian Fields would have been available to me without a certain rigor of mind, so I must yield pride of place to the mathematics taught me by a man I could never not call "Mr." Ott, and to the logic battered into my resistant mind/brain by dint of main force by Mark Bedau. --And bless them both of them, because you may be certain that neither man was without quite a difficult task in front of him!
  4. What is your favorite TV show right now?
    Oh, I adore Charlie Rose, don't you? How could one not!? But, and this may surprise you, I simply can not keep myself from watching Perry Mason whenever it's on! I know--it's absurd, but something about that show is's as satisfying as pommes frites and a nice Belgian. Belgian ale, naturally.
  5. What is your favorite hobby away from the rink?
    Would you think less of me if I were to say "rockin' the vaj"? Well, no matter, for I shan't say that--less a hobby than a vocation, really. So far as hobbies are concerned, I should think mine are every man's--improvement of the mind, body, soul, and bloodline by whatever means come to hand, from careful meditation upon the works of the ancient world to frank wallowing in the excrecence of the most hyper-modern artists and thinkers, not excluding investigations of the rankest and most tawdry passions nor long Spartan endeavours with one's fellows, with pull-ups and clean, strong penetration. Every hobby, after all, is a creamy portal into the world one would prefer.

prediction corner: Trudeau on Eastern round 1

Brought to you by SNACK FLAG, here are Pierre Idiot Trudeau's predictions for the first round of the Eastern playoffs.

I think the standings will pretty much stay the same in the East, so I'll start there.

1 PHI vs. 8 BUF: This one is a no brainer unless Miller gets real hot and Pronger stays out. Even then, it would take a pretty checked out Flyers squad to get upset here. 4-1 Flyers.

2 WSH vs. 7 NYR: Here we have two teams surging, two goalies hot, and two teams that have no real love for each other. Given the Caps recent playoff history, and the Rangers having Henrik Lundqvist, I figure this one is ripe for upset, but it will take 7. 4-3 Rangers.

3 BOS vs. 6 MTL: Ahhh, two teams I hate, but love to watch play in the playoffs. Remember when Milbury called Burns a fatass? Like 100 times? 4-2 Bruins.

4 PIT vs. 5 TB: The Lightning have no goaltending (Roloson's numbers have gotten WORSE since coming over from the Isles), no defence (that's how we spell it in Canada) and a highlight reel line that WILL be shut down come playoff time. The Pens have a Cup winning goalie, and if he comes back healthy, Sidney fuckin' Crosby. 4-2 Pens.

Monday, March 28, 2011

drubbing one out

The Winterhawks completely destroyed the Silvertips (or SilverTABS, as Tracy calls them) 7-2. That Mac Carruth is a hell of a goalie. Everett's goalie, on the other hand, well, let me just say you can't spell 'I'm a sieve and I suck pole' without 'Luke Siemens'. Is there anything better than making fun of an 18 year old amateur hockey player? No. I don't think there is. Highlights included: Red Fang's Prehistoric Dog after a brutal hit, lesbians on the 'kiss cam' (ah, Portland) and humiliating the hated Silvertips.

-pierre idiot trudeau, 2:47 TOI, 15 PIM, game misconduct

Avs season in review part 1: goaltending, Adrian Dater, the ashes, the rain & I

nothing is fucked? the PLANE has crashed into the MOUNTAIN

Well, it's been a week of freaking out and being 'way too busy trying to unruin my life to worry about hockey diligent effort to figure out The Meaning of the Avalanche 2010-2011. And here's what I've come up with.

But I do have a few thoughts.

Thought the Number of Which is: 1

Good goaltending is kind of important.

(Handy guide for Avs fans considering next year's goaltending options.)

The Hockey Rodent once put together a typically cranky, spiky, compelling statistical analysis that suggested it's better to have

  • an inconsistent goalie who steals one here, loses one singlehandedly there, and is okay the rest of the time than it is to have
  • a guy who gives up three goals literally every single game.

Now, I like and respect this analysis, and but need to offer a couple addenda.

Addendum to the Thought the Number of Which is: 1 the Letter of Which is: a

Anything is better than a goalie who gives up four goals every single game. Sorry, Boods. It appears as though you just plain can't buy win #100 in an Avalanche uniform. You were a good backup and a better person, and I can't imagine a single Avalanche fan who wants to see you back in the burgandy and blue.

May the road rise to meet your step, the pucks always come straight and unscreened, and may you never again play behind a defensive corps as shoddy as the one you had this year.

Addendum to the Thought the Number of Which is: 1 the Letter of Which is: b

On a bad team, like the Avs, you aren't likely to get a goalie who balances games stolen with games given away. You're much more likely to get a goalie who balances games given away with games played really well but you just can't buy a break against a better team and so you lose a heartbreaker.

Now, I want to be very very clear: Idiot Trudeau recently accused me of, inter alia, subscribing to some kind of hard-luck narrative for the Avs' season. I subscribe to no such thing. While I haven't quite determined what I think the most accurate summation of this season would be, I'm leaning toward

the roster was poorly constructed and the coaching was both slightly suboptimal (slash below the league average) on an Xs and Os level and incapable of getting the team to play well in the first 10 minutes of games.

(Handy guide for Avs fans considering this year's goaltending.)

The "can't buy a break" italics up there are meant as a distanced parody of a stupid set of excuses about a loss.

That said, Avs non-savior Brian Elliott probably did play his best two games as an Av in losses against San Jose and Vancouver.

I sort of doubt he'll be back, and I am sure I think he's not a legitimate #1 goaltender in the NHL. The skill is I think there: you don't play well against good teams by accident.1 But he is wildly inconsistent, has a track record of sub-average performance at the NHL level, and, as I've argued before, since he is a goalie in the middle of changing his technique, he is unlikely to perform well when he's working for a penny-pinching franchise that is unwilling to employ a full-time goalie coach.3

Addendum to the Thought the Number of Which is: 1 the Letter of Which is: c

Avs beat writer Adrian Dater has been unswerving and unstinting in his assertions that Craig Anderson absolutely did not give up on the Avs. Dater's claim is that the whilom St. Mayor's struggles were due to being out of rhythm post-injury, a terrible defense, and, uhm...those are the things that Dater believes made Craig Anderson a bad goalie this year.

Interestingly, however, these things seem to have been completely fixed by a trade to Ottawa.4 Anderson has found his rhythm, finally, and is apparently playing behind a much-improved defensive corps, because his numbers have skyrocketed.

Avalanche numbers: 13-15-3, 3.28 GAA, .897 Sv%, 0 SO
Senators numbers: 7-4-0, 2.00 GAA, .940 SV%, 1 SO

I'm on record as rooting for the man, even on his new team, and I'm glad he got the long-term deal he wanted (4 years, $12.75 million). I'm sad, however, that apparently Brian Elliott is now completely out of rhythm, and suffering badly as he plays behind an Avalanche defensive corps that is clearly much, much worse than the one he used to play behind. Just look at how his numbers have completely plummeted since he was acquired by Colorado.

Senators numbers: 13-19-8, 3.19 GAA, .894 Sv%, 3 SO
Avalanche numbers: 2-5-1, 3.72 GAA, .890 Sv%, 0 SO.

It's like he's a completely different guy for the Avs.

--Collision, playing for next year's contract by being a flaming dick to his betters
(The numbers above will be slightly out of date when this post drops on monday--as I write this on friday night, Andy just put up another shutout, and Elliott may play tomorrow against the Kings.

1 There is an argument that says he hasn't seen these good teams bring their A game, because the Avs have been bottomfeeders as long as he's been here. I dig that. Especially because, as noted, even though I judge him as having played well, in the end, he lost both of these games, suggesting that when the bad guys2 other team turned it on played to their talent level actually started trying, he was unable to meet their skill with his own.

2 Have I mentioned how much I loathe grups who say "bad guys"? Christ, it galls.

3 This is not complaining; this is not excuse-making; this is a howl of outrage over an organization that has failed to understand that a three-million dollar investment in a goalie can be undermined by failing to make a half-million dollar investment in proper support personnel for that goalie. Or, as an old co-worker and pal used to say, "stepping over a dollar to pick up a dime".

4 Pierre Idiot Trudeau loathes Dater. A couple other Avs diehards do as well. I like him, though I think he's damn' wrong about Andy unless and until he comes up with an explanation that better fits the facts. The following are three Dater blog pieces that I think are excellent and very illustrative of the guy:
a bad day at work
a worse day at work
notes from a night when, yeah, it was fucking rainy

Wanna hate on him? knock yourself out. Just don't do it at me.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

watchin' some hockey before I go watch some hockey

It was a bit of a rough morning as it's my beloved Tracy's only day off in a stretch of 11, and she (predictably) had a taste for the booze last night. For my part, it was the busiest night I've worked in a while, and there were friends and liquor around 'til 6 in the A.M. A little thai food, soda water, and a couple of episodes of Modern Family, and we were good to go.

Von Pylon and I are headed to see the Portland Winterhawks demolish the Everett Silvertips (or, the Wingtips, as Collision is fond of calling them) in a playoff match. As we are lucky enough to have ladies, and ladies that a) like spending time with us, and b) enjoy a good hockey game, Von Pylon's Dr. Girlfriend and Tracy will also be attending. Oddly, in this best Winterhawks season since Marian Hossa was on the team, I have not yet been to a game. Back in 07/08, when the 'Hawks amassed 25 points and Curtis Mucha saw approximately 97,000 shots, Collision, VP and I went three times. I guess you can't call me a fair-weather fan, you can just call me a bad fan.

Firstwise, though, I am watching a little of the Canucks/Blue Jackets (Flak Jackets? Cuz they take so many shots? Wait, flak jackets actually STOP some shots! Hey-yo!) game. 'Tis a dreaded eastern time afternoon game. I expected my boys to come out flat, and Schneider to have to stand on his head, but the 'Nucks are up 1-0 after one. Hamhuis went down, and if it's serious, I'm gonna cry, but other than that, things look good.

Looks like it's gonna be a good day...

UPDATE: The Canucks have decided to come out flat in the second period, and Schneider is having to stand on his head. Backhanded Compliment of the Day Award goes to 'Nucks color man John Garrett for congratulating Rick Nash on being the likely captain of Canada's World Championship squad. Because you know, he usually is.

Here be some Screamo for ye.

well there's your problem

One of the true joys of watching a hockey game with Pierre Idiot Trudeau is that, any time his goalie drops to his knees, he gets tense, and any time his goalie loses the puck and whips his head around, he'll shriek "WHY IS MY GOALIE LOOKING BACKWARDS". When does that get old? Never. It never gets old.

Another thing I can't imagine getting old is this.

When your goalie is exhibiting behavior like this? It's not a good sign.

--Collision, who knows a thing or two about a professional scope of stopping pucks

Friday, March 25, 2011

what the fuck is wrong with humanity

These two "people" make me as sad and angry as I can be. I think I speak for everybody here at Clear the Crease when I say that these two individuals are utterly without worth.

--Collision, basically non-violent in real life, but in a mood to take an instigator penalty against these wastes of oxygen

LINE BRAWL: lap tapping edition

Pierre Idiot Trudeau

Umm. Where the fuck is Tim Thomas? Pekka Rinne is on there, Carey Price is on there....

Not terrifying at all.


The key take-home from this is that we now know Idiot Trudeau's internet nom du comment:

So you took the top goalie in the league off the list in Thomas and put one on the list that's not having nearly as good of a year..
-- CubaGoodingSr

Pierre Idiot Trudeau

And Jew Grimson's

If you can mention all three Canucks as Hart candidates, then none of them are actually candidates.
-- stinkins1979

Jew Grimson

You all know what's coming so I'll try to make it as painless as possible. Blah blah blah Toews blah blah greatest of all time blah blah Gretzky has a statue of HIM blah blah should be all time president of the universe.

Not a fan of goalies for the Hart, unless you're getting 75+ games in net.


Yeah, the Hart is a lesser award anyway.

Jew Grimson

Also, surprised that Idiot Trudeau is not up in arms about them inverting the photos with the Sedins. Get it right you small minded cretins at Disney! Corey Perry rapes farm animals.


According to a bunch of people who noticed he scored back-to-back OT winners last weekend, if Corey Perry played in the East, his line would be justly famed as the game's best, and he would be feted as the best forward not named Gretzky Crosby.

And by "people...weekend" I mean "morons".

Pierre Idiot Trudeau

Thing about Toews is, he would win the MVP for his two way skills. As it is, he's third at best for the Selke...


More to the point (of these email threads), I was COMPLETELY RIGHT and Pierre Idiot Trudeau was COMPLETELY WRONG according to this unarguable font of musical expertise.

Bogdan von Pylon

Gospel truth. All that other shit just sounds like cats fucking. Degenerates.

Pierre Idiot Trudeau

I wouldn't trust Pandora to not describe the Cure as a metal band.


Well, on one hand, until recently, the word "pretension" was still in the first sentence of the Tool bio, so they had that going for them.

On the other hand, close inspection of that image will reveal that "stoner and doom metal" now includes Bon Scott era AC/DC and Zep. After which was played some Hendrix, and now a Canadian guitarist who lays his guitar on his lap to play AND WHO ISN'T JEFF HEALEY! (He calls his style--and I am not making this up--"lap tapping".)

In fact, he's listed as "new age", which apparently you now hear on stoner/doom metal stations.

Look, nobody said Pandora was competent perfect, just that they agreed with me on a long-standing issue of disagreement. Also this new age guit-slinger sounds almost exactly like an acoustic version of Planet Caravan, so it sounds pretty okay on a metal station, regardless of how it's classified.

Bogdan von Pylon

Pandorentropy is real. All roads lead to the Dave Matthews Band.


Aaaand yet again, Bogdan von Pylon surges up from silence to Win the Thread. Nice job, von Pylon.

Jew Grimson

I'll give Pylon the second one, but speak for your damn self on the first one. When the god-king Toews comes down from the mountain to restore justice to the world, the nay-sayers who decried his greatness will be cast into the pool of eternal slavery! Datsuyk will be revealed to finger-fuck toddlers & that Canucklehead center will photobomb Libya, or something that sounds like that.

In summation: Silke: Towes. Hart: Toews. Conn Smythe: Toews. They're even gonna give the fucking Vezina trophy that Collision was obliquely referring to Toews. The Calder? To you fuckin' rookies for not recognizing the greatest of all time even when he stands in your midst.

Ok, back to reality: totes looking forward to my team's first round loss in 6 games to the Cuntocracies of either Detroit or San Jose. Fuck 2k11 in the goat ass.


I was talking about the Jennings, you ignorant fuck.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

too dumb to play with themselves volume 6

I've seen this I think twice in the past week, and I want to drop a hammer on it, hopefully always already everywhere. "this" & "it" are celebratory/positive invocations of a movie line, best exemplified by Peter King:

What we have here, a wise man once said, is a failure to communicate.

WHO IN THE HOLY MOUNTAIN OF FUCK CALLS THE CHAIN GANG CAPTAIN FROM COOL HAND LUKE A WISE MAN? If there's a better indicator of how NFL owners view the players ( than their spokespuppy Peter King citing approvingly a faux-kindly prison warden who talks bullshit and carries a big, big lieutenant with a rifle? I'm not sure I want to see that clearer indicator.

Let's contextualize. Cool Hand Luke is widely viewed as a Jesus allegory, which would make the warden something like a Pilate figure. I don't want to push too hard on this allegory, but let's go ahead and roll the rest of the tape on the "failure to communicate" speech, eh?

What we've got here is... failure to communicate. Some men you just can't reach. So you get what we had here last week, which is the way he wants it... well, he gets it. I don't like it any more than you men.

Though reeking of Rumsfeld, I fail to see how these prevarications count for anybody as the words of a "wise man".

I don't want to pick on Peter King, the Thomas Friedman of sports entertainment--and there are people already working that side of the street anyways. But I do want to make clear that this line is in no way about a failure to communicate; it is, and always already was, about a failure to extract obedient behavior from a recalcitrant freethinker. Note the clip, yo: the claim that this is a "failure to communicate" comes when? After an act of physical violence. This is not an accident.

Probably in no other film is the ruling class' use of police to impose ideological domination, and not just standard behavioral knuckling-under, made so clear.

Which is to say, the bosses don't just want you to toe the line, they insist that you say the right thing--and reserve the right to kick your teeth down your gagging throat if you don't sound sufficiently sincere.

So maybe we can knock it the hell off with the fawning invocations of that particular moment from filmic history.

--Collision, who cannot eat 50 eggs

Friday, March 18, 2011

awful filler post

Yep, there's a pretty good chance I was eating nachos a scant couple of meters away from Pat Quinn.

--Collision, struggling with his desire to post every day

tell Kelly I said hi

Another day, another crushing loss. Turns out that the predictions I got wrong for the Canucks/Avs "game" mostly came true in the Avs/Flames "game", with the score ending up 5-2 and recent lord-I-hope-he-turns-into-a-franchise-defenseman acquisition Erik Johnson lost to injury in the first period.

Bored and angry, Avs beat writer Adrian Dater has begun trolling himself for amusement, last night "guaranteeing" an Avs win and Matt Duchene goal, and, most trollishly of all, repeatedly proclaiming his faith in Petr Budaj. Today there's one of his patented "rip jobs" on his blog, and it's a pretty good read with an absolutely terrific headline. Recommended.

Among more sobersided Avs bloggers, Jay Vean of the Avs Hockey podcast has retreated into Sega Genesis games and talking about favorite memories, while Jibblescribbits has put together a brilliant analysis of draft picks and their values.

But what I'm thinking about isn't the past or the future. The draft is zero fun in hockey1, and every list of highlights is the same—breathless you-had-to-be-thereisms alternating with smug and-that's-when-I-knew-we-were-great Whiggish takes on history. Feh.

What I'm concerned with is: what the fuck could this aimless bike crash of a season mean? I don't mind mouthing the shibboleth about adversity revealing who you really are; indeed, years ago on a bike tour, riding up hills, I first really confronted my essential nature as a negative, pissy, complaining person who absolutely no one wants to be around when shit's getting real/hard.2

(Author shown preparing to complain about something.)

Why bother thinking about this? Because there's more to sports than a final score. If there weren't, we'd just watch to see who was ahead at any given time, and celebrate them for more proficiently manipulating objects than their opponents. As we saw yesterday, after all, there's no way to root for the bland, featureless excellence of the Canucks. The Sedins may be good at playing hockey, but there's literally nothing else interesting about them: narrative scratches for purchase on their smooth surfaces and plummets away, like a goat falling off a glacier. The team cruises along, their fans clap amiably for win after win, and nobody has anything to say other than "they are good at winning games" or "their statistics clearly demonstrate their high quality".

From just-smart-enough-to-look-like-a-moron bully Ryan Kesler to world-class, gold-medal-winning goalie Roberto Luongo, the Canucks are repellent and faintly inhuman, technocrats calmly floating above conflict and stamping out victory after victory without even enough personality to turn into villains.

Whereas the Avs are, charitably, motley. The Goat of Narrative finds plenty of crags to hook her hooves into, scampering about with the scrambly grace found only in nature and old footage of Tony Esposito. From a macro perspective, the story has mainly been one of failure to try, as the team "rebuilds" without spending any money on players or on player development3, and receives savage smackdowns from the universe when they do actually try.4

Any similarity to Every Modern Novel is probably pretty much unavoidable.5 So, wonderful. At least I know I won't be forced to endure the cloying indignity of a happy ending.

--Collision, locker room cancer

1Especially when you root for a team with an inept front office like the Avs. My faith that they can extract value from this year's shallow pool of picks is, essentially, nil. And, fuck: even if they do draft a couple beasts, they won't be ready to contribute for like 5 years anyways.
2This was several years after the initial epiphany I had—oft-recounted, this—that revealed unto me that, truly am I Hudson screaming "GAME OVER MAN" rather than Hicks cooly fingering his shotgun & whispering "for close encounters" in a bedroom voice.
3Is this claimed attempt to improve sans ducats in some fashion similar to our country's current pundit-fueled perception that nothing should ever be paid for ever? Who can say. But the Avs do seem to have decided that the problem with education is that teachers make too much money paying money for first-rate players and coaches is unlikely to advance their cause.
4Smackdowns include the guys they traded going on massive scoring binges for their new teams, and a guy they traded for shutting it down with blood clots in both lungs while another can't play all year with a broken head.
5I'm not yet sure what the micro stories will turn out to be—one of the odd ironies of watching sports with an eye to story is that the small, player-sized stories only become clear years later, in context, where the team-based stories are obvious over the course of single seasons.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Guide to Lazy Blogging

For some time now, Collision has been nagging (read:begging) me to get off my sorry ass and post something, ANYTHING. Now, he says it's because he doesn't want to dominate an ostensibly pan-league blog with Av's drivel. But, see, I KNOW Collision and his heart of gold, wrapped in stone, and I know this is just his way of asking me to share my scintillating(read:barely extant) wit with y'all. The problem is, no one wants to read the whinings of a poorly informed, knee jerk reacting, devilishly handsome fan of the number one team in the league. Blog posts entitled "Oh Noes! We losted a game!", "We Won, But Not By Enough" and "Canucks I'd Go Gay For" are unlikely to gain a readership. Well, that last one *might* get some hits, but you get the point. So what to write about?

Fine point analysis of a teams needs, play style, ice time, lineups, coaching- you know, hockey "facts" a la Collision- escapes me. I'm more of a broad strokes guy, and I sort of compare those strokes to patterns I see on the ice. Like, when I yell "WHY THE FUCK IS CODY HODGSON ON THE ICE?!", and Alain Vigneault pulls him off, never to be seen again, I think Coaching=GOOD, and when 6 defensemen are injured and the Canucks lose a few tight games I think D-Men=NECESSARY. See, that's just the kind of hockey analysis you aren't gonna get from "research" or "books". You can only get that from growing up in Canada and skimming the stats page once or twice a week, (mostly to see if a Canuck made it in the top 10, if they didn't it was 'politics'). I care not for "reality" but for perception reported as "fact". This approach does, though, get me into a little trouble when anyone who knows anything about hockey reads my work. This doesn't stop millions of other bloggers around the world, and it won't stop me. Here's a little look behind the scenes of the writing process.

The first thing is to come up with a sensational, somewhat believable (but totally bullshit) premise, like, "Which Canuck is The Awsomest? It is indeed a difficult question. While the Sedins are each very awesome, I can't tell them apart and therefore must take them out of the running. Luongo is VERY awesome, as is Kesler. I don't know the names of any of the other players on the team, so, we've narrowed it down! How to decide?" Everyone wants to read about your teams stars and only them.

Next, rankify stuff. While I will never be able to come up with a metric so useful as the Professional Scope of Stopping Pucks, I may come close while hiding my own idiocy. Here Goes: "Imagine if AWESOME and TOTALLY RAD had a baby, and SUPER COOL and BADASS also had a baby and those two stupid babies grew up and met at a bar and had a cocaine and booze fueled one night stand and THEY had a baby and THAT baby grew up and got a leather jacket. Ryan Kesler is, like, three of those. Luongo gets a 2.7 on this scale" It's got everything you need: Unassailable logic, cogent analysis, Ryan Kesler...

Next up, make some comparison to some player from years gone by. "Kesler is like a smarter, funnier, more handsome Doug Gilmour, only better and tougher and more badass." This kind of spot-on analysis is why people come to your blog!

Then you just claim to understand the game in your blood or DNA or hypothalmus or whatever and then throw out a bunch of conflations of players and events that lazy readers won't ever check up on: "Doug Gilmour broke his leg in a playoff game and got a cortisone shot and came back and saved the Stanley Cup from being blown up by Powers Booth" OK fine, it was Bobby Baun who broke his leg and scored the game winner, Jean Claude Van Damme that saved the Stanley cup (which is total bullshit - All due respect to Edward James Olmos, Powers Booth is the baddest-ass of the paunchy, pock-marked set, how the HELL did JCVD get him?!)(Note to self: Pitch Powers Booth/Edward James Olmos buddy movie) and Doug Gilmour who got a cortisone shot on his wedding day to be able to get his ring on, but who cares? If it fits the narrative, or distracts from the fact that I really have nothing to say, truth has no bearing on whether i should print it.

In closing I would like to say, Canucks rule all others drool.

-jefcanuk on injured reserve pending appeal of Kesler restraining order.

p.s. I may want to look into writing a script that auto-deletes comments wherein I am called an "idiot", a "retard", "ugly", "stupid", "gaytarded", "the least knowledgeable blogger known to man" oh fuck it. I'll just lock the comments section.

wash my hands, seal my fate

(One last valentine for the Avs from Chris Collision.)

As noted yesterday, the Canucks hosted the pathetic Avs last night. Pierre Idiot Trudeau & I had a date to watch the game which I, brilliantly, scheduled for a non-sports-bar that doesn't have the NHL package. So he watched the game, and I creeped out my girlfriend by grimly staring at my phone all night.

Anyways, the Avs got stomped. Instead of the recounting of badinage (Trudeau can do that, if he wants to) let's revisit my predictions.

so prospects are what we call dim for getting out of British Columbia's only loveliest city with even one point, let alone two.

Yeah, nailed that. Zero points.

The Canucks haven't faced Avs non-savior Brian Elliott much—3 games total (Elliott's gone 1-2, 2.70, .902 against them)—so they'll probably just go simple against him and, you know, shoot the puck. Which, given his .875 Sv% in an Avalanche uniform, will probably work just fucking fine.

Well, he improved his save percentage by stopping 36 of 39, for a high-end average of .923. So he had that going for him. Of course, he gave up 3, so his GAA's a-goin' up up up up up.

Elliott gets pulled; Budaj gets pulled; Elliott gives up 2 goals after being reinserted after being pulled and if you think I'm trying to suggest that Coach Joe Sacco isn't exactly the world's greatest handler of goalies, YOU'RE FUCKING RIGHT

Didn't get this one. Sacco's off the hook for the goalies and Elliott, like he did against the Sharks, looked like a competent NHL-level goaltender.

The Avs score 2 goals and sustain one (more) injury

Booom. 2 goals, lost Foote to injury.

Jonas Holos will continue to indicate that "Jonas Holos" is a Dutch phrase meaning "forgettable second-pairing defenseman"

Team-worst -3 for the game, no shots on goal.

After the game, I went a little nuts on twitter, venting my spleen on a team I characterized as passionless pussies, calling out an organEYEzation that seems not to give a flying fuck, from the cheapskate owner to the inept-at-negotiating front office to the overmatched coach to the listless and not particularly talented players.

And that's where I'm at with this squad. I have a strong sense that I care more than they do in this lost season, and I'm struggling to come up with a reason to invest my time, money and interest in following a team that visibly doesn't care whether or not I do.

--Collision, spurned

(Author shown tired of watching, thinking about, and writing about this shitty team, because doing these things is a waste of fucking time.)

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Avs assault Canucks (quick predictions division)

So tonight the crushing-all-that-stands-before-them Vancouver Canucks roll out of bed to face my belov├ęd Colorado Avalanche, who...well, look. They've dropped 8 in a row. They've been outscored 22-8 in their last 5. They've lost 18 of 19. Best stat? Outscored 79-32 while going 1-16-2.

And frankly, last year, when the Avs were nominally good, the Canucks owned them anyway, so prospects are what we call dim for getting out of British Columbia's only loveliest city with even one point, let alone two.

The Canucks haven't faced Avs non-savior Brian Elliott much—3 games total (Elliott's gone 1-2, 2.70, .902 against them)—so they'll probably just go simple against him and, you know, shoot the puck. Which, given his .875 Sv% in an Avalanche uniform, will probably work just fucking fine.

This is not the time for a state-of-the-Avalanche screed—and anyway, my heart's not in it right now, so the anguished howl would probably come out more like a cur-kicked-in-the-visible-ribs whimper—but I would like to offer a couple predictions.

  • Elliott gets pulled
  • Budaj gets pulled
  • Elliott gives up 2 goals after being reinserted after being pulled and if you think I'm trying to suggest that Coach Joe Sacco isn't exactly the world's greatest handler of goalies, YOU'RE FUCKING RIGHT
  • The Avs score 2 goals and sustain one (more) injury, probably to leading scorer David Jones
  • Jonas Holos will continue to indicate that "Jonas Holos" is a Dutch phrase meaning "forgettable second-pairing defenseman"

There is, actually, a little bit of hope. The Avs actually show up for two of every three periods they play against actually-good teams, allowing delusional fuckwits fans to maintain a "hard luck" narrative and construct positive spins on 5-2 walkovers that rarely make the opposition break a sweat. So there's that. And, you know: every beating received this year brings the Avs closer to the first pick in this year's draft, which is being universally described as "meh".

I have a rareish night free tonight, and am trying to convince myself to hit up a sports bar to witness the atrocity the Canucks are likely to perpetrate on the Little Sisters of the Poor Washington Generals mediocre and injury-riddled-on-top-of-that Avs squad, but probably I'll just go home, drink a gallon of beer and clean my bike chain.

Collision, setting a career high for heavy sighs

one cordial invitation

You wanna compete with the King?

Can't Stop the Bleeding provides, present company excepted, probably the least insulting-to-your-intelligence sports commentary anywhere. Except they don't ever really talk much about hockey.

Sos anyways, they're running a NCAA tournament bracket, so, if you have a burning desire to annihilate me in meta-sport-competition, you certainly may.

My bracket is the shamefully unwitty "Shame Spear...of...Hurt", which certainly goes a long way toward cementing my status as the only unpaid blogger weenie to consistently shoehorn in Frisky Dingo references.

Do I need to point out explicitly that I have not watched one minute of NCAA basketball this year? Very well. I have not watched one minute of NCAA basketball this year.

Collision, guaranteeing victory

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

uh. what?

A million years ago, I was a parts clerk at a vendor for coin-operated amusement and vending machines. I spent most of my day wearing a walkman, blasting my brain with HEAVY TUNES, doing shipping, receiving, inventory, all of that.

And one of my duties was always to make sure the parts area of the warehouse was organized, clean, blah blah woof woof. (Those of you who have seen my desk may gather that some parts of this task were easier for me than others.

Anyways, the point is this: whenever I would come across some ill-identified piece of equipment, something that wasn't familiar to me and that fifteen minutes of research couldn't identify, I would grab my Marks-A-Lot and label the fucker: BAFFLE.

Because it baffled me.

And so does this promotion.

UPDATE: The World's Best Girlfriend in the World notes that the promotion includes "GOT CURRY?" shirts, which suggests that the Marketing Genius Behind This One noted the Warriors' roster included one Stephen Curry and leapt immediately to HOLY SHIT CURRY IS ALSO A KIND OF FOOD THAT INDIANS LIKE.

Which makes me grateful that there's nobody on the team with the last name of "Watermelon".

Friday, March 11, 2011

an audition for ESPN

One of these things is not like the other.

So, ESPN? You have clearly mastered the cut and paste process. However, it seems as though you have not yet figured out how to find and replace. As a man who can hit CTRL-F without even looking at his hands, I would like to offer my services to you.

I will work for $100,000 a year and two DVD copies of each of the Avs' cup run highlights. Also: I will be working from home and you have to hook me up with cable. And not basic cable, either: I want the big-boy package* and high-speed internet and I will not wear pants.


--Collision, angling for a job where all he does is insult his betters

Thursday, March 10, 2011

horrifying, filthy, awful pornography

All I wanted to know was what's a hat trick? and the dictionary did this to me.

Well...okay...this is good to know about, I guess.

Okay, but we're not talking about hat tricks yet.

Uhm. Is there a trend shaping up here?


Wednesday, March 9, 2011

LINE BRAWL: you're going DOWN for this, Cody! you're a LOOSE CANNON!

Pierre Idiot Trudeau
Pretty sure the Canucks have thrown their hat into that biggest and most exciting of rings: The Marty Reasoner Sweepstakes. Aw yeah!

I just came in my pants.

Bogdan von Pylon
That guy was awesome when he was the best thrasher.... Pretty high bar there.

I just googled him and off to the right it said "Also try: Brian Gionta".
Sick burn there, google.

Pierre Idiot Trudeau
Would love him on the fourth line. If only to NEVER have to see Cody Hodgson play again. That dude makes me sad for so many reasons, not the least of which is that HIS NAME IS FUCKING CODY.

My favorite Av is named Cody. What are you getting at?
Besides, the nickname potential is amazing: Cody non-Hodgson's Lymphoma... Cody Hogleg...

Pierre Idiot Trudeau
I'm getting at the fact that the name Cody *fucking* sucks. Dog balls.

I think we can all agree though that "Marty Reasoner" is the greatest hockey name ever in the category of Hockey Names That Could Be a Woody Allen Protagonist's Name.

Editor's note: Codys from the internet. Frisky Dingo fucking rules.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

LINE BRAWL: how to trade for Eric Brewer if you are a balloon with internal structure

Boston: Tampa Bay sees you one Tomas Kaberle and raises you one Eric Brewer. Advantage: Tampa Bay.

Pierre Idiot Trudeau
If the Kaberle deal is any indication, I'm pretty sure the deal is for Stamkos, 5 first round draft picks, a chest full of gems and a dirigible.

You're forgetting the Yzerman factor. The deal will be for a 2nd-rounder in 2087 and Marvin St. Louis.
The Blues are gonna be fucking bummed.

Pierre Idiot Trudeau
WE GOT HOSSA! Yeah THE Mario Hossa!

"Hey, guys, we just traded for Roy comma Patrick!!"
Seconds pass.
"Fuck. We actually just traded for a guy named Roy Patrick. Who, I am being informed, was a flipper baby. And who reads at a third-grade level. He may be the last of the Plantagenet dynasty."

Jew Grimson
I'd take Raul Bonham, Joe Paul Jones, Boris Paige and Morris Plant (pretty sure that's the "dirigible" Idiot Trudeau was talking about, right?) over what the Blackhawks got for the ironically named Skill(e). Look 'em up fuckers, they're real.

Unfortunately, you ended up with Kingdom Come. :(

Jew Grimson
[/surrenders, bested]

Surrendering? What are you, the Avs GM?
I wrote this, through my rage-filled tears.
My tears taste like bourbon.

Jew Grimson
For the record, my interest in Goalie Guild was strictly from what I read on twitter (back when I still paid attention to that thing), which was blissfully free of the armchair-Freud-meets-bad-1950's-serial internal monologue/quasi-stormfront sounding Norse Reichspeak. Wow is that guy scary.

Editor's note: Amen, brother.

Monday, March 7, 2011

LINE BRAWL: rage in the corn port

Bogdan von Pylon:
Who here is really tired of the endless speculation about where the fuck Mr. Excitement Kaberle is going to go... And when he'll waive his NTC?
Enjoy Boston, you prick.

Pierre Idiot Trudeau
Boston got ROBBED. A first rounder, conditional second AND a living breathing hockey player? For a guy NOT under contract past june?

Jew Grimson
I give him about a week before Cooke ends his career too.
Insert insult x about Jew Grimson here so I can say I beat you fuckers to the punch.

Bogdan von Pylon
Oh yeah, Grimson... Lets all dogpile on the mopey kike so he can scream "Godwin's Law" and look totes clever. Fuck that.
Kaberle end his own career... Probably trying to parallel park between Chara and Valabik.
And about that... whats up with the huge Czech D?

Seriously, who gives a flying fuck about a second-tier power-play specialist? People are acting like Boston just added Chara.2.0 or Pronger or somebody. What they added was a guy who put up modest numbers for a team that hasn't played a meaningful game since the lockout.
Great job, Boston.

Pierre Idiot Trudeau
Yeah, DGB's assertion that Boston is now a "Cup favorite" is a little odd.

Bogdan von Pylon
I don't give a fuck, that's the goddamned point. Every asshole and his queer cravat loves to crawl around sniffing after Kaberle's corn-port, and all I want them to do is shut the fuck up about him.
Jesus. Read much?

DID YOU KNOW his name is actually pronounced more like "k'burly"?
He is more than six feet tall and he weighs well over 18 stone! A citizen of the CrossCheck republic, he knows how to skate both forwards and sideways, and frequently has two hands on his stick!
His favorite car is an Audi, but the sporty one. As a child, he dreampt of becoming a milliner, but was forced into hockey by the repressive capitalist state apparatus his father, a forensic accountant, worked for.
He sleeps upside down, like a bat, claiming that every second spent prone or supine "costs you one furlong of vital potency". He can lift a car battery over his head with one arm. His dream journal was a best-seller in Brazil.

Jew Grimson
Different story with a healthy Savard. Boston could be as good as anyone in the East if Rask would have lived up to more of his potential, conceding how young he still is. Thomas has played above himself. Bergeron has played well and will continue to, but Seguin's still to young to be any real force on this team. In short, good team, but far from being a Cup contender.

You think Rask's potential is to be better than Thomas this year? No goalie has ever finished a season with Thomas' save percentage.

Jew Grimson
Not saying that, I'm just saying that if I'm an opposing team and I see that Rask is in net, I'll start salivating. [Ed. note: as of this writing: Rask has a .920 save percentage and a 2.67 GAA with 2 shutouts in 22 games] He's better than being just a warm body in front of the net. And really, did you think Thomas would be playing this well this year, because I didn't see it coming.

Did I think the guy who was injured last year and a Vezina winner the year before that would play well this year? Yes. Yes I did.
Did I think that through nearly 60 team games played he would have a historically high save percentage? No, of course not.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

too dumb to play with themselves part 5

I don't want to get too deeply into this, but this is the stupidest lede I have ever read.

Eli Whiteside must know how Joe Biden feels, because vice president of the United States and backup catcher on a playoff team have a lot in common.

I mean, if you take the comparison seriously and try to extend the analogy NO I WON'T I DON'T WANT TO AND I WILL NOT DO IT.

I don't know. Go look at some fucking cats or something.