technical, difficult: Chris Collision's NFL Picks Column

As 2012 collapses into crumbs, it seems important to recap what was a frankly bumpy series of NFL-gambling columns for The Classical. I thought the idea was sound—a smart, engaged writer takes on the country's most popular sport from the inherently compelling vantage point of wagering on uncontrollable outcomes—but from the feedback I've gotten from readers, to say nothing of the site's editors, and given the minimal traffic the columns generated, it would appear that something prevented my work from generating the reception I expected. It hasn't been as much as fun as I had thought. I'm not sure I would do it again. But I am, alpha and omega, a professional: So here you go.

First, and I suppose most glaringly: No. I didn't as such watch very much football this year. I don't like the sport all that well, and I interact with it primarily as a background for heavy drinking and occasional stabs at cooking or adult-on-adult non-sexual socialization. So, yes: all of my picks were either complete fabrications or copy/pastes from writers who filed before I did, culminating in a real embarrassment for me when I failed to catch that I'd taken my inspiration from a fantasy football advice column, instead of another picks column. Very much a low point for me on a personal and a professional level. More personally chagrinning that week was the my-penis twitpic I mistakenly posted publicly instead of as a direct message to one of my followers—who, as it later turned out, was a member of my next-ex-wife's legal team anyway. More I am not currently at liberty to divulge except EFF OFF, CAROL, AND TAKE YOUR SHYSTERS WITH YOU. That week also proved a bad time to mount a lengthy defense of Chris "don't treat my semen like it's battery acid Jones' cri de pénis entitled "Ladies: You're Not As Good As You Think". I began to acquire a reputation for misogyny that it has proved difficult to shed.

Two other professional setbacks bear mention. First, yes, it was Week 3 before I stopped referring to the Houston Oilers, who have, apparently, been the Tennessee Titans (!?) for around two decades now. To be fair, I think this is in part a failure of editorial oversight on the part of The Classical itself, but, in the end, I am the one who typed "Houston Oilers" and so I will naturally accept up to half of the blame. Second, I did completely fail to mention football of any kind in Week 4's column, which instead ran some 3,500 words long on the topic of my not altogether successful attempts to organize a birthday party for my middle child, now-three-year-old Ieszikcha. Kourtney's insistent obstructions and general ill-will toward the father of one of her children "helped" me generate my longest column, submitted well in advance of deadline, but, again, the thoroughgoing absence of football earned some notice.

Also notable was the frank hostility attracted by some of my recurring segments. "In the Doghouse at Radio Shack" baffled those it did not alienate with week after week devoted my attempts to attain customer service and technical support for my .mp3 player, cell phone telephone, netbook computer, wireless router, soldering iron, radio-controlled monster truck, and batter charger (Weeks 3-4, 1-6, 11-present, 5 & 8, 13-present, 1, 10, & 1, respectively.) In my defense: (a) as noted, I hardly represent a football expert—or even an enthusiast—and a 750-word weekly quota is a yoke few writers comfortably wear, so a familiar topic was needed if I was to continue filing copy, and: (b) the real subject of a column should, by all evidence, be the mechanisms by which it is produced, and the people involved with those mechanisms. Thus my not infrequent through much reprehended disquisitions on Radio Shack's extended warranties, customer service, and staff attractiveness levels. They played a real role in columns I wrote, and it would be no more fair or accurate to leave them out than it would be to exclude the contributions of [reference TBD maybe special teams coach??] to a football team's success. Or failure.

Another recurring segment that displeased a vocal portion of The Classical's Comment Kadre of Kommunity Konnisseurs (TCCKKK) was my even-numbered-weeks strategy of previewing each game with a lyric from the Screaming Trees album Last Words. Readers argued that a phoned-in last-gasp album torpedoed by a record label and only released a decade after a second-tier band had broken up was not something meriting continual reference—particularly in Week 4, when my .mp3 player was on the fritz and I did an admittedly mediocre job of quoting the lyrics from memory. To this criticism I can only respond: It is not the measure of art's quality that it is popular, or even well-regarded. If I wanted to make easy references, I would use decades-old hit movies like Rocky IV, A Few Good Men, The Shawshank Redemption, and Almost Famous, until you suspected that 88% percent of my cultural consumption consisted of TNT's New Classics lineup. If I wanted brilliant lyrics that cut to the core of the human condition, I would tap Counting Crows. Instead, I use the art(ifacts) that mean the most to me in my inscrutable experience. And if that means readers have to choke on hard psychedelic pop a generation past its sell-by date, then so be it. (Now Playing: Ned's Atomic Dustbin.)

Perhaps nothing got as much pushback, though, as my picks foil. While Simmons had his wife, the Daily Fix had a flipped coin, and Deadspin had an unfunny Nazi (haw haw haw) joke, I had a weekly YouTube clip of "this week's raep scene from a Hollywood movie". My attempt at satire was cruelly rebuffed—and wildly misinterpreted. What I had intended as a savage denunciation of a cheap tactic intended to gin up an emotional response from a numb audience was somehow twisted, and I was repeatedly accused of grim, unseemly wallowing in the worst kind of pornography, simply for curating numerous clips of sexual violence in the context of a football gambling column. It was not gratuitous bad-boyism, nor an indication that my sexual desires are predicated on brutalization; it was satire. It certainly was not a cynical miscalculation, based on the inescapable presence of Nazi, stripper, lingerie, porn, etc., content from other sites. I think it safe to call myself The Accused and the editors at The Classical have informed me that my NFL picks column will be surplus to requirements going forward, so I will be Leaving Las Vegas, if you will. Or, in the words of Mark Lanegan, from the unjustly neglected Screaming Trees album Last Words, [quote TBD, if that fat jerkoff Sandra at Radio Shack ever gives me an .mp3 player with a working SD card slot]. Last words, indeed. Thanks to The Classical for running so many of these columns, and thanks to all who wrote or commented or took out a pointless restraining order, Carol or gave me a place to crash. See you all on the sidelines.

—Collision, road dog for the forseeable

Picks (home team in CAPS, pick in bold, line in italics iff I predict the home team will cover regardless of my pick to win):

Baltimore Steamrollers vs. Chicago Chinooks (-4.5)
Cincinnati Sinisters at Detroit Dynamites (+11)
Cleveland T-Rexes at Green Bay Barrage (+.5)
Pittsburgh Poisons vs. Minnesota Yetis (-18)

Buffalo Bullhorns at Dallas Harriers (+3)
Miami Fangs at Los Angeles Supercocks (-8)
New England Gunners vs. Philadelphia Vengeance (-45)
New York Hardknockers vs. Washington Volcanics (PICK)

Denver Spearheads vs. Houston Heatwaves (+2)
Kansas City Clashers at Indianapolis Narwhals (-10,000)
Oakland Leviathans vs. Jacksonville Immortals (+4)
San Diego Supernovas at Tennessee Tarbenders (-.5)

Phoenix Horntoads vs. Tampa Bay Warheads (-3.5)
St. Louis Cannons at Carolina Carnage (-5)
San Francisco Zephyrs vs. New Orleans Zombies (+5)
Seattle Cavaliers at Atlanta Crossfires (+6)

Fuck You I Quit Part Two of Three

Hey, NHL: somebody else can advertise your shit.

The awesome towel that Pierre Idiot Trudeau gave me? The Sakic shirsey I retired when they retired Sakic's number?

The hat that made somebody stop me in downtown Oakland two winters ago and say "The Avs, hunh? Man, you must be a real diehard.". The Forsberg shirsey that was in line for the Sakic treatment.

The Sakic inaction figure.

The little keychain my boss gave me when I worked at the the Lutz.

The patch that's been on my bike bag for the past couple years & started I don't know how many conversations.

All goes in a box.

Fuck You I Quit: Part One of Two

We start with words from two of my favorite poets.

"Life, friends, is boring. We must not say so.
After all, the sky flashes, the great sea yearns,
we ourselves flash and yearn,"
—John Berryman, Dream Song 14

"Life is short and should be painful as well."
—Megulon 5

Given this view of life—which I take to be more or less indisputable, pace the existence of sex, mescal, and HEAVY TUNES—, we need, and we have¹, sports to divert us. They are, as Shoals recently wrote, "bits and pieces of life reassembled in a heightened, refined form...[to] make [a] life seem bigger and more unpredictable". Or, some days, bits and pieces of life cobbled together clumsily to make life feel worth living at all.

Except right now, you may have noticed, there's decidedly less sports around to make life seem bigger, heightier, and more unpredictable, what with there being no NHL hockey to watch. Why is there no NHL hockey to watch? Well, it's a money thing.

The sides look like so:

• NHL vs. NHLPA (National Hockey League Players Association)
• Gary Bettman, Commisioner of NHL vs. Donald Fehr, Executive Director of the NHLPA
• NHL team owners vs. NHL team players
• NHL Board of Governors vs. NHLPA player reps

The argument sounds pretty familiar.

Essentially, like all unions in 2012, the NHLPA has already lost the battle over money. Now they're fighting to keep their access to coffee and the occasional set of steak knives. "Fighting" in a rather restricted sense, that is, since there has been the princely quantity of "six meaningful days of negotiation in five months" and today was announced some more bad news: they're still far apart, and the NHLPA has decreed that the insta-rejected proposal they made this morning, well..."It's about as good as we can do."

Oh, wait: one more piece of bad news:

There are currently no plans for NHL and NHLPA to meet again.

— Chris Johnston (@reporterchris) November 21, 2012

And, per Larry Brooks, the NHL Board of Governors won't be meeting again until 5dec2012. One suspects that no progress will be made before that date.

So, I would like to say this to the NHL, the team owners, the Board of Governors, Gary Bettman, the NHLPA, Donald Fehr, and everybody else who refused to negotiate until the last Collective Bargaining Agreement had expired, and who, apparently, aren't really bothering to negotiate² now:

A very special, deep, thorough fuck you to the lot of you.

Great job, guys. Way to:

• put in very nearly a full half a day today, making—if we round up—an entire 7th day of negotiation in the 60-somethingth day of an entirely predictable lockout
• quickly determine that you don't give a flying fuck through a rolling donut about resolving anything
• and then decide to break without making plans to reconvene for more negotiations

Why don't you take a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut? Why don't you take a flying fuck at the mooooooooooooon?

—Collision, NHL fan 1996-2012

¹ Or maybe vice versa.

² You could look up "good faith" if you wanted. Next to its definition, there would not be a picture of the relevant parties in this dispute.

San Francisco Bulls

As a quick bit of direct action against the increasing/infinite alienation perpetrated upon NHL fans by the current-and-getting-currenter lockout, I rounded up a sizeable posse to go to the first-ever San Francisco Bulls game—an experience very nicely previewed and evoked by Grantland's Katie Baker.

There were many, many firsts, and before I ran out of steam, I made it my mission to document them. My unedited notes appear below. If you want an actually comprehensive recap, I suggest you hit up Fear the Fin.

It started with some tasty pyro!

Period 1
3.05: 1st PP
3.06: 1st fan yells "shoot it"
7.10 1st PK
10.44, 1st GA
16.01, 1st GF
Somewhere in there: first fight.

Period 2
4.25...penalty shot

Second Intermission
out of beer—the Cow Palace has been sold out of beer in the second intermission of the first game
Rawhide stood kind of too close to me for kind of a long, long time

Period 3
dude behind me bellows, apropos of nothing, "SUNDAY PUNCH!"

The team's mostly been beat up a lot since that first close loss. The night I saw showed a disciplined team without a great deal of talent: an expansion team, for sure. The Cow Palace is a problematic building, too: it's absolutely huge, and that means that a crowd of 8,000 can seem kind of sparse. A number of the other teams in the ECHL have buildings with capacities of perhaps 5,000, and in there, a lively or livelyish crowd of 3,000 might make a real difference in a game. But, what the hell: it was a great night out, I bought a decent-looking hat, and I look forward to getting out to more games this year.

--Collision, sometimes having a little trouble filling the time

loose the hawks: SHADE AVERY at The Classical

The magnificent Tomas Rios read last week's Captains-in-Summer insanity and looked into his heart, and found a quivering bird there, and he did stroke the bird, and did fead it milk and sugar and drops of Buffalo Trace bourbon, and when the bird began to hop, he encouraged it, and, in due time, that bird breathed deep of the ether, and spread its wings, and took to the skies. Free. Cawing. Shitting on all that lay beneath it, its eyes sensitive only to weakness.

That bird's name is SHADE AVERY, and its nature is that of a television show built of Sean Avery criticizing people's fashion choices. Because he is a gentleman, Rios allowed me to help him nurse this shining, soaring bird to health, after which time David Roth came in editorially and taught the bird how to do amazing tricks, and made Tomas & YT both look a hell of a lot better. Then we bro'd down on the Internet for a while and now you can watch the bird soar at your leisure.

By way of a value-add to justify this post, I will note only that I wrote the following, and I have no idea what it means.

Are we just gonna sit around with our thumbs on our dicks?

The bird...has a Clear View.

Collision at the Classical Part Dos

Part Two of Captains in Summer is up over at The Classical: check it out for all your N-through-W team captains needs! To pimp it, I shall provide you the greatest blurb I expect I'll ever receive, from eternal class act editor, rad dude, and infinitely kick-ass writer David Roth:

Pt. 1 of @cfcollision's lockout-speculation on NHL captains was great. Pt. 2 has more cheese-with-hair-in-it/vampires: theclassical.org/articles/the-c…

— David Roth (@david_j_roth) September 25, 2012

Fire up your HEAVY TUNES of choice, and hit the link below!

Dion Phaneuf--Just got home and grimly, silently ate from a variety of cheap cheeses before discovering a disturbingly pale hair in one wedge. He's still standing in his dark kitchen, the heat-softening dairy lump in his hand, his mammoth-club of a jaw working, working.

In my head, this two-parter was a thirty-parter, a slideshow with each captain lavishly illustrated by CtC's own Bogdan von Pylon, the world's Sorry Your Heinous, or the Classical's incredible and essential Samarov or Eli Neugeboren. In my head, I can also dunk a basketball.

Here is a HEAVY TUNE for you to listen to while you read.

--Collision, who got more in store

Collision at The Classical

So you may have heard this, but the NHL owners have actually locked out the players, and nothing much seems to be happening negotiating-wise. Not all that much is happening on the ice either, the Joe-Thornton-to-Rick-Nash first-period-hat-trick last week in Davos, Switzerland, notwithstanding.

However, real leaders never quit grinding, and each NHL captain is demonstrably using this time to his advantage. In the spirit of 22 Short Films About Springfield, I give you 30 short stories about NHL captains during the lockout:

Chicago Blackhawks: Jonathan Toews
Horrible nightly dreams of legs lost to trains, cold steel rails throbbing as huge locomotives thunder away, blood pooling on ties and spikes.
He's not doing okay.

Fire up the Screaming Blue Messiahs, for a little slice of life background HEAVY TUNE action, and hit the link.

As a value-added for this here post, here is a joke that got cut, about the ever-jokesome Florida Panthers franchise:
It is funny that the Panthers fired their mascot three whole days into the lockout in a cost-cutting maneuver unrivalled since contractors lowballed the deck-chair supplier for the Titanic.

As a note for y'all, there may not be any jokes in it as funny as the one below.

Pretty sure Goodell thinks the bio of Patton he keeps by his bed but hasn't read tells him ending the ref lockout is unacceptable surrender.

— nayr (@nayrgeno) September 24, 2012

--Collision, capturing the spirit of the thing

a lonely nation turns its eyes to you

Pierre Idiot Trudeau is globe-trotting this summer, and last night he filed this report

.

Turns out I'd seen this one before, but any time we notice that there's a hockey player on a pinball machine, you're likely to hear about it here.

you might like

There is absolutely nothing funny about a bus accident, and I dearly hope everybody involved in the Baroness bus crash is okay.

And it's a good reminder that our automated systems are inhuman, and, if not monitored, will make us inhuman, as shown by this carefully curated "you might like" section for bus crash fetishists enthusiasts.

--Collision, struggling to retain his humanity

(That said, I am kind of interested in that Alien Ant Farm wreck...)

an oral argument

Here at CtC, we go hard any--and every--time sports and politics intersect. I mostly don't pay too much attention to UFC/MMA anymore, b/c time is finite and I have been taught by my betters that life is short (and should be painful as well). So I owe it to the indispensible Tomas Rios that I became aware of the latest collision of athletic endeavor, the distribution of power across a population, and the exercise of raw, naked force.

It had not occurred to me that the Supreme Court might try to force me to perform fellatio on them. It had honestly never occurred to me that that might happen. Never crossed my mind. At no point did the potential of non-consensual oral-genital contact with any member of the Supreme Court of the United States enter my consciousness. (Well, I admit I'd entertained the possibility that Clarence Thomas might make some off-color suggestions involving mouths and his penis.) It is all to the good, then, that Josh Thompson has alerted me to the shocking and unpleasant likelihood that six elderly men may at any time show up and shove me roughly to my knees so they can attempt to jam their penises into my jaws.

Alertness, vigilance, preparation: thanks to not-at-all insane Josh Thompson and his helpful guidance, these shall be my watchwords and praxis. Alito? Thomas? Roberts? Kennedy? Scalia? Breyer? My lips are sealed.

--Collision, who has the right not to suck dick

Hockey Attire Selling L.A. Kings Championship Gear...before the Cup has been awarded

Having watched last night's game, I'm pleased that my Kings in 5 prediction is still alive, and even more pleased that whoever's proofreading Hockey Attire's emails is so sure the Kings are gonna take it.

Get your Kings championship gear! Before the Kings get their Cup!

Chris Collision on John Tortorella (on Marek vs. Wyshynski)

Marek vs. Wyshynski is always a good listen, and I can't tell you how much mileage I've gotten out of their "Question of the Day" feature. Been swamped at work, so it's been a hell of a long time since I've been able to give them any kind of answer. Today, in the wake of Rangers' coach John Tortorella incurring the wrath of pretty much the entire universe for some post-loss press stonewalling--he answered a bare handful of questions, and never said anything longer or more informative than "I'm going to keep that in the (locker) room."--the question was "Well, if Torts isn't going to answer anything anyway, what questions should the reporters ask?".

I threw the following tantrum, which they were gracious/amused enough to read. Thanks, guys! Hope everybody finds some amusement.

--Collision, sniping at his betters, like always

Q: What Questions Should Reporters Be Asking John Tortorella?

Chris Collision's Answer:

Oh, I dunno. Don't know as I've *ever* heard an actually insightful, incisive, challenging question from a sports reporter after a game anyway, so maybe we can cut the bullshit & admit we're all just bizarrely desperate to hear the same kind of nonsense every coach gives every time.

Just fill in your own idiotic coach-speak:

'he pointed out his team needed to improve its compete level, and went on to describe jam, grit, hustle, and accountability as good and necessary things. Asked specific questions, he noted that he would prefer to answer after he'd seen the tape. He declined to offer any insight into roster or strategic changes, past, present, or future. He thanked us for our time.'

There. I have now written every beat writer's after-game coach interview story for all time. Can we please stop pretending any information ever comes out of these ludicrous exercises?

Phil Mushnick says "If Jay-Z's involved, let's call them the New York Niggers"

I'm screencapping this to preserve it, b/c it's a little hard for me to imagine that even the New York Post--whose sole saving grace is the needling Larry Brooks provides--will leave this up for all that long.

I think my favorite part of 2012 so far is how everybody's going full-on election year psychotic. Some nincompoop at the Chronicle of Higher Education just went all John Derbyshire, probably announcing to everybody that the Chronicle for Higher Education is getting out of the Smarmy Garbage for Smug Twerps game--good news for the Atlantic!--and going all in on the Taki's Mag tripe play.

Say this for Phil Mushnick, he really really gets Jay-Z.

sex is greater than death in the American sporting life

Oh, inDEED, SI.com. Oh indeed.

(I just wanted to read about a goddamned hockey game, SI, not have to confront the gruesome capitalization of sex and death.)

I mean, if I wanted to read about death, I wouldn't go to SI anyway, I'd read David Roth's harrowing and even-handed account of the meaning of Junior Seau...

--Collision, bummed bumming bummer

in honor of the Penguins

...Clear the Crease's resident Man Behind the Curtain, Bogdan von Pylon, genius, provides the Kris Letang family crest.

von Pylon helpfully explains that the motto: Innovation. Science. Surrender. comes from the French space program. (Clear the Crease also would have accepted "...comes from long-time Democratic strategists.")

--Collision, snickering at teams that, erm...actually made the playoffs

no method to the madness

Beating my head against the wall: mucho trade action and richocheting ahead!

Game 59 @ Winnipeg Jets 1-5
AS DISHEARTENING AS IT'S BEEN ALL SEASON
COMPETENT FIRST PERIOD, MORE OR LESS, FOLLOWED BY A COMPLETE KNUCKLE-UNDER GUT-FREE PERFORMANCE IN THE SECOND--MY DAY OF HOCKEY FANDOM BEGAN WITH THE ASSERTION "undeniable miserable churn of a .500 season...MOVED TO "that Landy/EJ goal was tits"...THEN MOVED BASICALLY OFF THE RAILS WITH TIGHT CLOSEUPS OF HELMET/VISORLESS ANDREW LADD IN HD, AND WENT COMPLETELY ENTIRELY TO SHITSHOW MODE WHEN MY LOSER BUDDIES STARTED TALKING THAT SHIT:
Bogdan von Pylon: So the book on Varlamov is "Tell him his shoe is untied, then go high stick-side, hey."
How about that Burmistrov, huh?
When did you guys hire Jack Edwards to fluff your fans?
Is this the first fight Thorburn has ever won?
THEN EVANDER KANE PROVED WHAT A TOUGH DUDE HE WAS BY SHOWING OFF HIS GROUND & POUND GAME, LYING ON TOP OF HIS FOE AND DEPLOYING SOME ECELLENT RABBIT PUNCH FORM
Jew Grimson: [Kane gets a] Lifetime pass because of the Cooke hit. Also I fear the "dine and dash" rumors are more because he's an 'Evander' playing a 'Gordie' sport.
[ED NOTE: THIS LAST BIT IS PROBABLY TRUE]
GOD WHAT A SHITTY GAME THIS WAS
AND EVEN THE THOROUGH DOMINATION DIDN'T PLEASE MASTER von Pylon:
Bogdan von Pylon: Great. I have a 50% chance that I'll get to see the 'peg play 4 games in the playoffs. Nice night indeed.

Game 60 vs. Los Angeles Kings 4-1
A BIT OF A LITTLE BIT OF A SMIDGE OF A WEIRD ONE--THE AVS DIDN'T ACTUALLY PLAY ALL THAT WELL, BUT HORRIBLE NO-GOOD TERRIBLE AWFUL GOALTENDING SUNK THE KINGS, VARLAMOV ROBBED ANZE KOPITAR IN THE MANNER COMMON FOR RUSSIAN-ON-SLOVAK CRIME
Pierre Idiot Trudeau: Varlamov has tanks and puppet politicians?
[ED NOTE: VARLAMOV IS VERY WELL PREPARED]
AND STEVE DOWNIE MADE A NICE, NICE DEBUT, ENABLING ME TO BE GAME WHEN BOGDAN BROUGHT THE HAMMER:
Bogdan von Pylon: Don't make me slap you down. Was he worth Kyle Quincey?
THOUGH MY INITIAL RESPONSE, WAS, AH...LESS...FAVORABLE...

(Things Chris Collision has been wrong about, Volume 1.)

BUT IN GENERAL, I HAD SIMPLE ASSESSMENTS OF THIS ROUGH TREATMENT OF THE KINGS: AVS SCORING SO EFFECTIVELY, I THOUGHT THEY WERE PLAYING THE BLACKHAWKS! and AS IT SAYS IN THE ANCIENT SCROLLS, 'GIVE UP 2 GOALS TO PAUL STASTNY? YOUR GOALIES ARE HAVING A ROUGH NIGHT'

Game 61 @ Columbus Blue Jackets 5-0
BAD TEAM MEETS WORSE TEAM--PROBABLY THE ONLY INTERESTING THING YOU CAN DRAW FROM THIS GAME IS THAT GOALTENDING MATTERS, AND LORD VARLAMOV HE-WHO-MUST-NOT-BE-SCORED-UPON TRUMPS STEVE MASON (SOMETIMES)
IN A SMALLER-SCALE NOTE, DAVID 'NICKNAME' JONES WITH A THREE-POINT NIGHT, MAYBE SAVING HIMSELF FROM A BENCHING, AND MATT 'NOWAY HE RE-SIGNS' 'GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE' '"HERE"' IS JOE SACCO'S DOGHOUSE' HUNWICK SIGHTING!

Game 62 @ Detroit Red Wings 4-3
IF THERE IS ANYTHING MORE SATISFYING, SAID GREG SHERMAN'S SOCK PUPPET, THAN A HORRIFYING KYLE QUINCEY TURNOVER LEADING TO AN AVS GOAL A WEEK AFTER HE WAS TRADED FOR WHAT SEEMED (AHEM) TO SOME (AHEM) AN INADEQUATE RETURN, INDICATING YET STILL ONE MORE RED-WINGS-TROUNCE-THE-AVS INTERACTION...IT'S HARD TO KNOW WHAT THAT MIGHT BE...(EVEN IF THE TURNOVER WAS CREATED BY AN UNCALLED CHUCK KOBASEW PENALTY)
AFTER THAT FIST-FIGHT INDUCING JETS LOSS, THE AVS HAVE SANDWICHED A SHELLACKING OF A TERRIBLE TEAM WITH TWO SOLID WINS OVER GOOD BUT SLUMPING SQUADS--WHO IS THIS AVS TEAM AND WHAT DID THEY DO WITH THE GUYS I'VE GOTTEN USED TO THE LAST THREE SEASONS???

Game 63 vs. Anaheim Ducks 4-1
AS LONG AS THE AVS ONLY PLAY HOME GAMES...AGAINST TEAMS THAT PLAYED SOMEWHERE ELSE THE NIGHT BEFORE...I BASICALLY LIKE THEIR CHANCES
Pierre Idiot Trudeau: That seems like a plausible schedule!
ANOTHER TRADE THAT I DON'T LIKE, THOUGH, DUMPING THE INCREDIBLY INCONSISTENT T.J. GALIARDI & THE IMMENSELY RELIABLE DAN 'NOT JUDD' 'WILL HELP ANY TEAM HE'S ON BE BETTER, GOOD OR BAD' WINNICK FOR THE YOUNG JAMIE MCGINN--DEAR AVS: YOU KNOW GUYS ON THE THIRD LINE OF POWERHOUSE TEAMS LIKE THE SAN JOSE SHARKS* DON'T REALLY TEND TO STAR WHEN THEY GO TO BAD SQUADS, RIGHT?
*NOTE HERE: FOR SOME REASON, I STILL CONSIDER THE SHARKS A POWERHOUSE, PROBABLY BASED ON THE NAMES ON THE ROSTER, BUT...THEIR RECORD STINKS ON ICE...

(Things Chris Collision has been wrong about, Volume 2.)

Game 64 vs. Columbus Blue Jackets 0-2
AH.
THERE IS THE TEAM I RECOGNIZE FROM THE LAST COUPLE YEARS. FOUR-GAME WIN STREAK. HOME GAME AGAINST THE WORST TEAM IN THE LEAGUE. CHANCE TO MOVE UP IN THE PLAYOFF RACE. GET SHUT OUT.
THIS MAY HAVE BEEN THE WORST LOSS OF THE YEAR.

Game 65 vs. Pittsburgh Penguins 1-5
AAAAAND...THAT IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN A HANDSOME MAN SPEAKS TOO SOON. THIS WAS A BRUTAL, BRUTAL SAVAGING. NO PART OF THE AVS LOOKED LIKE EVEN A COMPETENT HOCKEY TEAM--THOUGH THE PENS COLOR GUY DID OPENLY GUSH OVER THE QUALITY AND SHEEN OF GABRIEL LANDESKOG AFTER THE GAME--AND PRETTY MUCH THE ONLY THING I LIKED ABOUT THIS ENTIRE EXPERIENCE WAS GETTING TO SEE EVGENY MALKIN PLAY LIKE AN MVP...DON'T GET TO SEE HOCKEY OF THAT CALIBER TOO TERRIBLY OFTEN, AND IT'S GENUINELY EXCITING
Pierre Idiot Trudeau: Cody who? Kassian elevates to "My Boyfriend" status.
Collision: You ever get excited about hockey when my team isn't getting Sleepers levels of abuse?
Pierre Idiot Trudeau: Well, it just happens so much is all.
Pierre Idiot Trudeau: Look, your team only got shut out, then beat up, and... Y'know, I'll just stop.
AARON ASHAM IN HD DEMONSTRATES THE FACIAL COSTS OF BEING A HOCKEY PLAYER...MILAN MICHALEK DEMONSTRATED A TEXTBOOK CHECK--EXCEPT THE TEXTBOOK WAS "A Horrifying Goon's Illustrated Compendium of Elbows to the Throat", AND STEVE DOWNIE DEMONSTRATED HIS UNCANNY AND ENGAGING--NOW THAT HE'S ON MY TEAM, ANYWAY--ABILITY TO BE A MAGNET FOR COMPLETE INSANITY

Game 66 @ Minnesota Mild 2-0
OH, GREAT, THE WILD...AWESOME, A TEAM THAT NEVER LOSES AGAINST THE AVS, WHEN THE AVS ARE SLUMPING TO BEGIN WITH, WELL, THIS SHOULD GO--HUNH
SHUTOUT, EH? NEW GUY THROWS IN A GOAL, EH? THEN ANOTHER ONE, EH?
IF I CAN GET WELL AHEAD OF MYSELF FOR A MINUTE, I AM NOT HATING THE WAY THIS TEAM IS PLAYING IN THIS QUARTER OR SO OF THE SEASON--AND IF THEY CAN CARRY SOME HOT PLAY INTO THE PLAYOFFS AND GET ANNIHILATED BY THE CANUCKS? I WOULD BE FINE WITH THAT
(AND ACTUALLY I'M ALLOWING MYSELF THE OCCASIONAL PRIVATE MOMENT WHERE I LOOK EVEN FARTHER AHEAD OF MYSELF AND SPECULATE ABOUT THE DECENT WAY THE AVS ACTUALLY MATCH UP AGAINST THE BLUES...)

Game 67 vs. Minnesota Mild 7-1
MAYBE THE MOST SATISFYING WIN OF THE YEAR--UNTIL AN UNCALLED STICK PENALTY WRECKED MATT DUCHENE'S ANKLE AND PUT HIM OUT FOR THE STRETCH RUN--TYPICAL SHODDY, SHADY MINNESOTA WILD HOCKEY PLAY
BUT LET US WALLOW IN THE GOOD FOR A MOMENT--FIRST-PERIOD ERIK JOHNSON & WHOLE-GAME SEMYON LORD VARLAMOV--HE-WHO-MUST-NOT-BE-SCORED-UPON--WERE BOTH ATHLETIC, FAST, AND SKILLED: WHEN THEY'RE ON, THEY MAY BE MY FAVORITE GUYS IN THIS PARTICULAR ITERATION OF THE LOGO'S LABORERS
AND, ONCE AGAIN, CODY MCLEOD ENDS UP WITH, SOMEHOW, A BREAKAWAY GOAL...(ALL AVS FANS FEEL PRETTY FOND OF OL' CODY, PARTICULARLY WHEN HE'S HITTING PEOPLE IN THE CORNERS AND GETTING HIS WEIRD RUMBLE-STUMBLE BREAKAWAYS AND NOT TAKING TOO MANY LAZY STICK PENALTIES--WE DISCOVERED THIS WEEK THAT COACH JOE SACCO FEELS THE SAME WAY)
NICE TO HAVE SOMETHING POSITIVE TO ROOT FOR ON A NIGHT MOST NOTABLE FOR KRONWALL'S FULL CNS-SHUTDOWN HEADSHOT

Game 68 @ Nashville Predators 2 - 4
OH LORD--NOT LORD VARLAMOV HE-WHO-MUST-NOT-BE-SCORED-UPON, JUST THE REGULAR LORD YOUR GOD--WHEN THIS TEAM DOES DISHEARTENING LOSS, IT REALLY DOES DISHEARTENING LOSS
AND ON A NIGHT WHEN PEKKA RINNE ACTUALLY LOOKED MORTAL, THE AVS STILL COULDN'T SUMMIT THAT 3-GOAL PLATEAU
BUT THERE WAS HARD PLAY, THERE WAS A LAST FLURRY-SURGE OF DEEPLY PURPOSIVE BUT NONPRODUCTIVE EFFORT, PAUL STASTNY SCORED A GOAL, CODY MCLEOD NEARLY DID, AND SOME NIGHTS IN SOME SEASONS, QUASI-ROTISSERIE CONSIDERATIONS + ROOT-FORABLE GUYS IS WHAT YOU CLING CLING TO

Game 69 vs. Edmonton Oilers 3 - 2 (SO)
CHAOTIC, THIS AFTERNOON TILT, WITH REVIEWABLE PLAYS APLENTY & BOTCHED CALLS IN EQUAL NUMBER--OILERS WERE ROBBED OF A GOOD GOAL, AVS NEARLY GIFTED WITH ONE, RYAN SMYTH SCORED THE LEAST SURPRISING ANTI-AVS COACH-KILLER GOAL--ALL FORMER AVS SCORE AGAINST THE AVS, AND IT IS SMYTH'S SPECIAL HATABILITY THAT HAD HIM DO SO WITH LESS THAN 30 SECONDS LEFT ON EL CLOCKO--BUT THE AVS DID MANAGE TO EKE OUT THE VICTORY BY VICTIMIZING NIKOLAI KHABIBULIN IN THE SHOOTOUT AND THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT, IS THERE?

Game 70 vs. Anaheim Ducks 3 - 3 (OT)
JUST AS SINNER SMYTH MUST THRUST KNIVES DEEP INTO THE AVS, SAINT TEEMU SELANNE MUST DEMONSTRATE HIS UNAGING SKILL WITH WHAT IS BY MY COUNT HIS ELEVEN THOUSANDTH IMPORTANT ANTI-AVS GOAL (OKAY, MAYBE IT'S A MERE 34) BUT ONE THING RANG THUNDERING TRUE AFTER THIS GAME, AS I I DID PUSHUPS IN MY KITCHEN: WITH J-S 'FUCKIN' PRO' GIGUERE & SEMYON LORD VARLAMOV, HE-WHO-MUST-NOT-BE-SCORED-UPON, IN GOAL, THE AVS CAN GO INTO A SITUATION WHERE A SUPERB GOALIE--LIKE ANAHEIM'S JONAS HILLER--IS HAVING A MAGNIFICENT GAME--LIKE HE WAS THAT NIGHT--AND FEEL ABSOLUTELY CONFIDENT THAT A WIN IS AT LEAST POSSIBLE...AND IT HAS BEEN A WHILE, AND THEN A WHILE, SINCE AN AVS FAN COULD FEEL ANYTHING LIKE THAT...

that tasty line brawl shit

I. All Your First-Rounders Are Belong to the Columbus Blue Jackets

Pierre Idiot Trudeau: Pretty sure the BJ's are gonna have 10 first rounders next June...

Collision: That's good!

Pierre Idiot Trudeau: They are hiring Milbury.

Collision: That's bad. But Milbury actually always drafted...pretty...well?

Pierre Idiot Trudeau: But he is going to trade the picks for "all the ones that got away". Offering 2 first-rounders for Bertuzzi, 3 for Luongo.

Collision: That's 5 left! And Luongo & Bertuzzi still have something in the tank.

Pierre Idiot Trudeau: I guess Carter is pretty good, but a solid 231-pound Dman and a mid round first in a deep draft? Seems like a lot...I woulda wanted a third liner with potential, but the price tag is the price tag. Will it propel the Kings into contention? Doubtful.

Collision: The Kings don't have any third-liners with potential. And Carter is expensive, but the exact guy they needed. If everything breaks exactly right, they now have two distinct scoring lines & a dynamite power play.

Pierre Idiot Trudeau: Hmmm. Well, that would put them in Canucks/Detroit territory. If it holds up.

Pierre Idiot Trudeau: Jesus, would the Canucks just go get Avery already?

Collision: Not gonna happen. Fucking litterbug just is done. (ED. NOTE: Collision made the litterbug joke via personal email several hours before GC did.)

II. Everybody from Canada Expects You to Know Everyone in Canada
OR
Canada=Provincial as Portland, NYC, SF, etc.

Pierre Idiot Trudeau: Loving the Tony Gallagher idea that the Canucks are 'Struggling to Score". Muckraking ass. Also former Kurtenblog guys think Canucks are weaker.

Collision: What the minny ripperton is a Tony Gallagher? The watermelon guy?

Pierre Idiot Trudeau: Province columnist for 30 years.

Collision: So...not the watermelon guy? Or?

Pierre Idiot Trudeau: Not. But, then, I think he did a few Grizzlies columns, so you never know.

III. Collision Has a Bad Day

Pierre Idiot Trudeau: Cody who? Kassian elevates to "My Boyfriend" status.

Pierre Idiot Trudeau: This idiot color guy for Nashville sounds drunk. Oh, it's Terry Crisp. That makes sense.

III.5 On the Most Recent Kronwall Hit

Pierre Idiot Trudeau: Jesus. I will guess 4 games. 2 steps, right to the head, a bit late...

Jew Grimson: Well, fuck, as an EMT, I have to see it now whether I want to or not, so as to check for decorticate or decrebriate posturing & compare notes w/ the medical report.

Collision: Steven Stamkos: Down with the sickness.

Jew Grimson: Damn. Got me for a second. I think my initial response was "a wha-uh-huh-huh?" Then I realized you were kidding.

Bogdan von Pylon: I don't get it.

Pierre Idiot Trudeau: Roloson needs to be put down with a quickness.

Collision: "Down" = 'interested in, associated with', "sick" = 'skilled, talented, impressive', Steven Stamkos = very, very good at hockey, "down with the sickness" = giant nu-metal hit from some years back.

Jew Grimson: Do they even bother putting other guys on the ice in Tampa? I'm surprised there aren't 3 skaters on Stamkos whether he has the puck or not. Let him beat you with assists instead of goals.

Bogdan von Pylon: Ew. All right. Stamkos may be wicked awesome, but he plays for Tampon Bay, so fuck him.

Collision: Tough but fair.

Jew Grimson: First few months of the season, I'm thinking Toews is at least as good as him offensively. Forget the injury: it's clear that Stamkos is playing on another level.

IV. Avs Crushing Wild

Collision: Weird. Really didn't think the Wild would start gooning it up.

Jew Grimson: That was sarcasm, right? Clutterbuck is no one I want lined up against me on the ice. And the guy can actually play.

Collision: No he can't. 750 'hits' a year at home, -600 on the road. He's a competent hitter if he can see your numbers and you lose an edge. Everything that's wrong with the sport. Pure product of a homer stats team.

Jew Grimson: Cheap. I'd take Clutterbuck o'er anyone on my 3rd or 4th line. Dude's vicious w/ hits, plays mostly clean, and is 14 & 8 right now. If Cal's hits are signifcantly less on the road, might be stat bias on the other home reporting crew. Easily my favorite forward w/ no Hawks ties. Then in fantasyland, Chara & Weber = defensive pairing.

Collision: That's a real good fantasy. (And he's out tonight w/ a concussion anyway. So the question is moot.)

Pierre Idiot Trudeau: I have that He-Man/Four NonBlondes video in my head.

Collision: Welp. There's always suicide.

Jew Grimson: I saw Clutterbuck put a clean hit on Seabiscuit that was probably the most upsetting thing I've seen since James Wiz turned out #7s lights before he hit the ice.

Collision: I refer you to the parable of the ray (Whitney) of sunshine and the dog's ass.

V. Collision Has a Good Day

Collision: Cody McLeod just cost Josh Harding at least a million dollars a year.

Jew Grimson: Good on the Highlander.

Bogdan von Pylon: I can't wait to watch that highlight. First of the year?

Collision: Fifth! And, oddly, his second breakaway-like goal.

Bogdan von Pylon: Because he's known for his speed...

Collision: And his finish!

Collision: Yeah, he's had a real good week. Think his skating has improved. And he's cut down on his bad minors. (ED. NOTE: the weird part is that Joe Sacco agrees. Eerie.)

waiting is the hardest part

This is the only picture that matters.

Hockey Canada: four dudes, one mixed bag

"Hockey Canada announces Team Canada management team thru 2014. Yzerman exec dir assisted by Lowe, Holland, Armstrong, Nicholson, Pascall."

Or, to put it another way, the brain trust behind:
Tampa Bay Lightning
St. Louis Blues
Detroit Red Wings
Edmonton Oilers

Yeah. Model franchises all.

Bogdan von Pylon goes to Mexico

(The Canucks serape every badly-dressed North American will be wearing this season.)

From Bogdan von Pylon:

There are a SHITLOAD of Canadians in Sayulita. So many in fact that:

One night, we stopped into a bar called Tequila's on the outskirts of the plaza, and this was on the TVs—Bruins/Senators on the left, Canucks/Coyotes on the right…. I ended up talking Hodgson-trade, Cup-riot and Luongo's bathroom breaks with the only other people in the bar. Three expatriate Vancouverites.

time to lie down and die

Hebrews 13:8: Jesus Christ the same yesterday, and today, and forever. This recap block brought to you by eternal return and the crushing inevitability of failure.

Game 52 @ Edmonton Oilers 2-3
WILL THIS TEAM EVER WIN ANOTHER GAME IN WESTERN CANADA? NOTHING THEY DO THERE DOES ANYTHING BUT GIVE THE FUCKING HOST WAYS TO FIND WINS...WANT TO LOOK LIKE JACQUES FUCKING PLANTE? BE DEVAN DUBNYK AGAINST THE AVS

Game 53 vs. Minnesota Mild 0-1
I HATE THIS TEAM, I HATE THAT THEY'RE 10-1-2 IN COLORADO, I HATE THE GUTLESS WAY THEY PAY, I HATE THEIR WORST-IN-THE-INDUSTRY JERSEYS, I HATE ESSENTIALLY EVERYTHING EXCEPT CHUCK 'THE INVISIBLE MAN''S NAKED LOATHING FOR HIS PAST EMPLOYER--AND I CERTAINLY HATE THE WAY THE AVS (COMPLETELY FAIL TO SHOW UP TO) PLAY AGAINST THIS TEAM

Game 54 vs. Vancouver Canucks 2-3 (SO)
OH WHAT A SHOCK, THE CANUCKS SOMEHOW BEAT THE AVS, EVEN IF THEY HAD TO GET 44 SAVES OUT OF LUONGO + A RARE SHOOTOUT LOSS FROM THE AVS TO DO IT
LORD I HATE THE WAY EVERYBODY IN THE NORTHWEST DOMINATES THE AVS THE LAST FEW SEASONS, EVERY OTHER NIGHT IT'S OIL/FLAME/MILD/NUCKS KICKING THE AVS IN THE TEETH

Game 55 vs. Chicago Blackhawks 5-2
TIGHT AND SLOPPY UNTIL EARLY IN THE THIRD--DON'T KNOW WHY*, BUT THE 'HAWKS REALLY BRING OUT THE BEST IN THE AVS, AND THE GAMES ARE ALWAYS SPEED-DEMON SHOWPIECES
NICE TO SEE DAVID 'NICKNAME' JONES PLAYING WELL, EVEN IF EVERYBODY SAYS HE'S ON HIS WAY OUT FOR LITTLE OR NO RETURN...
*I DO KNOW WHY: THE 'HAWKS AREN'T QUITE AS FAST AS THE AVS, THEY SUCK AT PLAYING DEFENSE, AND DON'T HAVE GOOD ENOUGH GOALTENDING TO GET AWAY WITH HANGING THEIR GOALIE OUT TO DRY ALL THE TIME

Game 56 vs. Carolina Hurricanes 4-3 (OT)
MAN, THIS WAS 64+ MINUTES OF BRUUUUUUTALFEAR & TREMBLING--SRSLY, 40+ SHEEP-DIPPIN' SHOTS TO THE CAROLINA HURRICANES?
AT HOME?
BUT WHEN YOU GET THE FINEST CLUTCH PLAY OF THE SEASON TO END THE GAME--O'REILLY STEALING THE PUCK, RAMBLING IN, BEATING CAM WARD WITH 1.2 SECONDS LEFT--YOU QUIT YOUR BITCHING AND JUST GO WITH THE FLOW

Game 57 Lesbian @ St. Louis Blues 2-3 (OT)
TYPICAL EXCUSES...TIRED TEAM...BACK-TO-BACK NIGHTS...TRAVEL...SALVAGED A POINT...BLUES TOUGH AT HOME...BLAH BLAH BLAH--VARLAMOV PLAYED A DECENT GAME, THOUGH, AND SEEMS TO BE GETTING BACK ON TRACK, AND ERIK JOHNSON PLAYED A NICE GAME, AND BY NICE I MEAN NOT NICE AT ALL

Game 58 @ Vancouver Canucks 1-3
THE WORDS "GROIN INJURY FOR GIGUERE" DO NOT DO TO DWELL UPON
AND ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ABOUT THIS GAME WAS IN ANY WAY NOTABLE OR SURPRISING

Game 58 @ Edmonton Oilers 3-1
RARE FOR A NOT-NEARLY-THAT-CLOSE SCORE TO GO THE WAY OF THE AVS.
TONIGHT WAS THE NIGHT I CLUMB FULL ON THE ERIK JOHNSON BANDWAGON; NO MERCH W/ HIS NAME ON, THO', IS AVAILABLE
EARLY IN THE NIGHT I NOTED THAT DEVAN DUBYNK AGAINST THE AVS PLAYS LIKE DOMINIC HASEK--BUT, THEN, HASEK PLAYED ON A LOT OF SHITTY TEAMS...
OIL GOONED IT UP SLEW-FOOT STYLE AND RUN THE GOALIE STYLE...AND JOHN 3:16 SAYS WE JUST KICKED YOUR ASS

too dumb to play with themselves 6-0 6-0 6-0

Okay, just a quickie from the land of tennis.

The Wall Street Journal's underrated online sports section has twice in two days made the following case:

Federer’s historical struggles against Nadal have been somewhat exaggerated

The detailed argument is long, and well worth reading, but seems to hinge on the argument:

[note] Federer’s greater propensity to dominate sets when they play. He’s taken seven 6-0 or 6-1 matches against Nadal, while Nadal has taken five such sets against Federer. Five of those dominant sets of Federer’s have come in the final set of the match, a sign that Nadal was fading, mentally or physically. Just two of Nadal’s wins against Federer have ended with such lopsided sets; the 9-7 classic in the fifth set of Nadal’s 2008 triumph against Federer was more the norm. Outside of their head-to-head results, Nadal has been dominated more often than Federer by other opponents,

The elephant is, of course, a head-to-head record that was 9-17 when the first article was published and 9-18 after. A winning percentage of .333 seems an unlikely candidate for an overrated struggle. While the extended stats are interesting and provocative, you play to win the game, and none of this nuance negates the fact that Nadal is winning two matches against Federer for every one he loses.

I'm all for looking deeply into history and finding subtleties that final scores miss; I'll go to my grave believing Wilt was a better player than Bill Russell; I'll never understand why Mike Sweeney has been forgotten; but if David Foster Wallace is right, and if tennis is chess plus boxing, then looking past the head-to-head record is nothing less than missing the point entire.

There is in philosophy the principle of "saving the appearances". Put simply, this means that if you're elaborating a theory of oranges, you'd better account for things like "is orange", "round" and "fucking delicious"--and you'd better be prepared to show your work if your theory holds that oranges are purply-green, pyramidal, and primarily salty.

In our dipshit, deluded age, we're dominated by a-analytical approaches like the "To intuit, or to counter-intuit" tendency of Malcom Gladwell and the craven easy-answer-proffering of your pundit of choice. These guys tend to save appearances pretty well. (To put it another, more accurate, way, these guys serve mainly to reinforce existing prejudice and reassure the reader that we're all in Pangloss' party pad.)

Which is at least better than the putative insights ginned up by the Freakonomics posse--"several years into a recession is a great time to give up your job!"--or the results of David Berri's years-long quest to use the awesome power of double-entry bookkeeping to prove that Carmelo Anthony is bad at basketball. So the Wall Street Journal is perfectly right to contextualize Nadal's 18-9 record against Federer--that record emphatically does not prove Nadal is the better player--but they're wrong to try to context it away. You play to win the games; when Federer plays against Nadal, he loses twice as often as he wins. Loose talk about other matchups and who wins how many of what points how can illuminate that fact; it can't overshadow it.

the angel's share

Game 50 @ Anaheim Ducks 2-3
PERHAPS THE LENGTHY COMMUTE
TIRED THE TEAM
AS THAT JOAK ATTESTS, SOME NIGHTS
YOU JUST CAN'T WIN
A LONG NIGHT, THIS ONE, FILLED WITH SHOTS PROPELLED TO THE REDOUBTABLE JONAS HILLER, A NIGHT, THIS ONE, MARKED BY TERRITORIAL pissings DOMINATION, AND ONLY THE MOST OCCASIONAL GAFFES
A NIGHT WHERE EVERY BLUNDER WAS A TURNOVER
AND EVERY TURNOVER ENDED UP IN THE BACK OF THE AVALANCHE NET
ONE MIGHT WONDER EXACTLY
HOW MANY GAMES IN A ROW SACCO WANTS TO START GIGUERE
AND JUST EXACTLY WHY LORD VARLAMOV IS ON THE ROSTER IF HE CAN'T EVEN START ONE NIGHT OF A BACK-TO-BACK
SOME NIGHTS HURT WORSE THAN OTHERS

Game 51 vs. Minnesota Mild 2-3
DIDN'T FEEL GREAT ABOUT THIS ONE FROM THE BEGINNING

SOMETHING MISSING FROM THIS TEAM--THEY DON'T, EXACTLY, CRUMBLE UNDER PRESSURE, BUT ANY TIME SOMETHING COULD BE DESCRIBED AS "A HUGE GAME" OR A "PLAYOFF ATMOSPHERE", THE TEAM SEEMS TO TAKE THE PIPE IN A PECULIAR WAY
NOT LIKE A CRUMBLE, EXACTLY, MORE LIKE A WAN LACK OF PRESENCE, A RETICENCE, A REFUSAL TO ENGAGE WITH THE VIOLENCE AND BRUTALITY THE CONTEST MAY REQUIRE (LIKE A BUNCH OF FUCKING DEMOCRATS)
AND THUS WE SLOUCH INTO THE ALL-STAR BREAK, BEREFT OF ALL-STARS, OUT OF THE PLAYOFFS, NO DRAFT PICKS TO COME

go fuck yourself, Tim Thomas

Don't like the President? Grow yourself some free-market testicles and say it to his face, you pusillanimous piece of shit.

If Nixon can go to China, if 'Sheed can go to Bush II, you can pay a visit to someone you don't respect, wear a fucking suit and tie, and respect that you're being honored by somebody with much, much better things to do with his time than deal with you.

--Collision, whose favorite goalie will always be Arturs Irbe

too moar

Game 48 vs. Florida Panthers 4-3 (OT)
SATISFYING WIN ON THE ICE AND ON THE SCORESHEET--SEEING THEODORE GIVE UP A FAIRLY LIMP 5-HOLE LOSER IN OT WASN'T VERY NICE, BUT NEITHER WAS IT VERY NOVEL
MUELLER, RAMPANT
MUELLER, RAMPANT, REMINDS HOW LONG IT'S BEEN SINCE THE AVS BOASTED A GOAL-SCORER'S GOAL SCORER

Game 49 @ Los Angeles Kings 3-1

dedicated to Giguere

SURFING THRU THIS GAME
ESSENTIALLY A TENSE EXERCISE--BEGINS IN ROAD DESPAIR
PENALTIES AND A GOAL AGAINST DESPITE
OUTSHOOTING THE KINGS BY A MILLION
FROM DOWN THEY GO UP IN THE OBSCUREST WAYS AVAILABLE: 5 YEARS INTO HIS AVS CAREER, & A PORTLAND WINTERHAWK WHEN I LIVED THERE, NEVER HAVE I HEARD THE WORDS
"CODY MCLEOD BREAKAWAY"
NOR WOULD I HAVE PREDICTED SUCCESS FOR IT--THEN MUELLER ON THE REBOUND!
UNSUSTAINABLY HOT IS HOW I LIKE MY RETURNED-FROM-INJURY FORWARDS, AND HIS POINT PER GAME WILL CERTAINLY DO
UP 2-1 ON THE ROAD...KINGS START TO ACCUMMULATE SOG...I NERVOUSLY SCROLL THE ROSTER, WONDERING WHO'S DUE FOR A BIG MOMENT
MUELLER TAKES A PENALTY AND I KNOW THIS GAME WILL GO TO OVERTIME AND I PAUSE OVER KOBASEW AND LANDESKOG, whose team nickname is "Whitey", AS MY LIKELIEST CANDIDATES FOR HEROISM
MANY WEIRD PENALTIES IN A CLUSTER-PULSE I CAN'T PARSE IN MY CAFFEINATED ANXIETY
LANDESKOG NAILS ONE FROM STASTNY ON A GIVE & GO & EXACTLY THAT MUCH IS RIGHT WITH THE WORLD

the season, the

Game 28 @ Vancouver Canucks 0-6
OKAY, SO MAYBE I'VE MENTIONED BEFORE THAT THE AVALANCHE OF COLORADO CANNOT PLAY HOCKEY WELL IN WESTERN CANADA--WHAT A SHAME THAT THE REALIGNMENT ONCE FLOATED NOW IS DEAD AS COLUMBUS' 1ST LINE, NOT THAT IT REALLY WOULD HAVE (REDACTED) HELPED ANYWAYS--AND IT TURNS OUT THAT PLAYING ONE OF THE BEST TEAMS IN HOCKEY IN AN ENVIRONMENT PREVENTING THE AVALANCHE FROM PLAYING WELL AT ALL AGAINST ANYBODY...IT DOESN'T HELP
(CONFIDENTIAL TO ANY GODS WHO MAY BE READING THIS: PLEASE, PLEASE SMITE THE 'NUCKS...I WILL SELF-HARM, I WILL SACRIFICE ANY DUMB BEAST WITH NO FAMILIAR NAME...JUST TAKE THEM AWAY FROM THE EARTH)

Game 29 @ Calgary Flames 2-3
I DON'T HAVE TO TALK ABOUT THE CALGARY LAMES ANYMORE

Game 30 @ Edmonton Oilers 1-4
PRETTY MUCH THE WHOLE SEASON:
I ALTERNATE BETWEEN BORGNINE & HACKMAN...

...FUCK THIS TEAM...

Game 31 vs. San Jose Sharks 4-3 (SO)
I LOVE THIS TEAM!!
MORE AWESOME MILAN HEJDUKERY IN THE SHOOTOUT, THIS TIME SETTING UP ESTIMABLE ROOKIE ROOKERY FROM GABRIEL 'can we draft a couple more like that? no? because we traded our draft picks away for a streaky/gifted goalie? ... K...' LANDESKOG, PLUS INTENSE, INTENSELY RAD GOALS FROM STEFAN 'this kid can move' ELLIOTT & MATT 'revising my expectations downward' DUCHENE...TYPICALLY WINNIKY GOAL FROM WINNIK...THIS GAME WAS SATISFYING...

Game 32 @ San Jose Sharks 4-5
I HATE THIS FUCKING TEAM
UP 4-2 AFTER 2, PAUL 'actually our best player if anybody cares or cares to admit it' STASTNY WITH A HARDLY-PRECEDENTED 2 GOALS
THEN A NIGH-PATENTED LATE-GAME COLLAPSE

Game 33 vs. Washington Capitals 2-1
JUST EXACTLY THE WAY YOU'D DRAW UP A GAME AGAINST A TOP-TIER COACH--AND FORMER real good player HATCHET MAN BEHINDHITTER--LIKE DALE HUNTER: A RANDOM FLUB FROM A GOALIE ON A ON-NET DUMP-IN FROM DALE HUNTER CLONE CODY MCLEOD + A ACTUALLY RATHER GORGEOUS SLAPSHOT FROM ERIK JOHNSON...SHOCKING--SHOCKING!--HUNTER COULDN'T IDENTIFY A WAY TO COUNTER OFFENSE THAT WAS INNOVATIVE LIKE CHRIS KANYON!
ONE ASSUMES HE'LL HAVE A NICE LONG OFFSEASON TO PONDER THE NECESSARY COUNTERMEASURES
BUT WHATEVS:
JUST WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU BRING A WHL COACH (AND OHL RECRUITER) TO AN NHL GAME...

Game 34 vs. Philadelphia Flyers 3-2 (S0)
NOT MUCH TO SEE/SAY HERE: EASTERN CONTENDERS SUCK ICE IN THE REGULAR SEASON WEST...I HAVE VERY RARELY THIS SEASON BEEN A SAD PERSON WHEN GABRIEL LANDESKOG SCORED A GOAL...I AM NOT A SAD PERSON TO-NIGHT
...I AM A DRUNK PERSON TO-NIGHT, HOWEVER...

Game 35 vs. St. Louis Blues 3-2
BRIAN 'world-historically bad last year--but arguably it was a fluke' ELLIOTT vs. J-S GIGUERE FOR THE TITLE OF INDISPUTABLY THE BEST GOALIE BARGAIN IN THE LEAGUE THIS YEAR:
JIGGY GETS THE WIN, WITH 37 SAVES, ELLIOTT TAKES THE LOSS, WITH 19 SAVES, JIGGY MAKES 1.5 MIL, ELLIOTT MAKES .6 MIL...CALL IT A HELL OF A SHREWD MOVE FOR EACH TEAM, BEGRUDGE NOBODY THEIR SUCCESS, EVERYBODY SHAKE HANDS, SMILE AT THE MAN YOU FOUGHT, AND TIP ONE FOR YOUR GOALTENDER WHO HAS BAILED YOU OUT AN AWFUL DAMN' LOT THIS YEAR--
SERIOUSLY: THANKS, GIGUERE: YOU HAVE BEEN A HELL OF A PLAYER THROUGH SOME SHITSTORM BREAKDOWNS, FIZZBRAINED DECISIONS, & CACKHANDED EXECUTIONS
OH AND LAST YEAR I SUGGESTED QUITE IN EARNEST THAT EVERY GOALTENDER BEATEN BY CODY MCLEOD THAT YEAR SHOULD RETIRE
I DO NOT THINK BRIAN ELLIOTT SHOULD RETIRE
BUT I CAN'T NOT RECOGNIZE CODY MAC'S 2ND GOAL IN THREE GAMES

Game 36 vs. Tampa Bay Lightning 2-1 (OT)
'DRIFTY' DUCHENE WITH AN OT WINNER!?
I'LL TAKE IT!

Game 37 @ Minnesota Mild 4-2
WE ARE NEVER GOING TO LOSE AGAIN!
STICKING IT TO TEAM AFTER TEAM AFTER TEAM, GOING INTO MINNESOTA, WHERE WE NEVER WIN, HALF THE TOP-LINE GUYS GETTING GOALS (GALLY, FACTOR, LANDESKOG), LANDESKOG NOTCHING A COACH-KILLER IN THE 2ND--REALLY STARTING TO THINK THIS TEAM MIGHT HAVE SOME SPECIAL QUALITIES ENABLING IT TO GO SOME EXCITING PLACES!

Game 38 vs. Winnipeg Jets 1-4
I HATE THIS FUCKING TEAM
GUTLESS BALLLESS NOSHOW QUITTER HORSESHIT BACK-TO-BACK MY ASS TRADE EVERYBODY

Game 39 vs. Phoenix Coyotes 3-2
WHOOO! NOTHING LIKE A SOLID WIN OVER A GARBAGE-HITTING TORRES-EMPLOYING TRAP SQUAD LIKE THE PHOENIX CONTRACTEMALREADIES, CAPPED BY A GWG FROM INCREASINGLY CHARISMATIC/SUSPICIOUSLY HANDSOME PUNDIT GABRIEL 'complete me' LANDESKOG! TO SAY NOTHING OF THE SAVAGE UTILE BRILLIANT DISGUISE MANEUVER EMPLOYED BY KEVIN PORTER, PULLING THE OLD PAVEL BURE PLAY--CHERRYPICKING OUT OF THE PENALTY BOX, YES, IT'S HARD TO FIND ANY FAULT WITH A CONTEST THIS THOROUGHLY ENJOYAB--

WAIT

WAIT

WAIT

WHOGOT HURT AGAIN?

WAIT

WAIT

WAIT

MATT 'underwhelming but still the most talented guy we have' DUCHENE RIPPED UP HIS KNEE TRYING TO THROW A CHECK...NO MORE RECAPS: I'M GOING TO HANG MYSELF TONIGHT

Game 40 @ Anaheim Ducks 4-2
HOMECOMING WIN FOR THE INESTIMABLE GIGUERE
TWO GOALS FOR THE LAST INDISPUTABLY GREAT AV, MILAN 'glory days' HEJDUK,
ALL IT TOOK WAS A VISIT TO A TERRIBLE TEAM
FUCK IT
I'LL TAKE IT--BUT I'D TAKE IT A LOT BETTER IF I THOUGHT LORD VARLAMOV HE-WHO-MUST-NOT-BE-SCORED-UPON AND PICK-YOUR-ACTUALLY-TALENTED-FORWARD-NOT-NAMED-LANDESKOG-OR-O'REILLY WERE TAKING LESSONS FROM AGED BUT PUISSANT EXAMPLE HANDS LIKE GIGUERE/HEJDUK, OR IF I THOUGHT GIGUERE/HEJDUK WERE TAKING THOSE DUDES UNDER THEIR WINGS--
WINGS, I HATE THE RED WINGS
WINGS, I HATE THE SHOW WINGS
WINGS, DID YOU KNOW MARC CRAWFORD PRONOUNCED THE NAME 'hedge duck' WHEN SOMEBODY ASKED HIM WHAT HE THOUGHT ABOUT THE NEWLY DRAFTED MILAN HEJDUK HAW HAW HAW WHAT A DUMMY MARC CRAWFORD WAS, ILLITERATE BUFFOON VANCOUVER RODENT WHO CLEARLY WAS NOT YET PETER PRINCIPLEING HIS WAY THROUGH HIS TEAM'S ROSTER, JUST...YOU KNOW...JUST 'COACHING' AT THAT POINT, HAW HAW HAW

Game 41 @ Los Angeles Kings 2-1 (SO)
TRITE, BUT I DO LOVE A TIGHT GAME DECIDED BY NEW HOTNESS RYAN O'REILLY AND ANCIENT WONDER MILAN HEJDUK--PARTICULARLY WHEN OUR GOALIE, WHO WE ESSENTIALLY HAVE TO ROOT FOR REGARDLESS OF HIS PERFORMANCE, GIVEN THE 1ST + 2ND WE GAVE UP FOR HIM, PUTS UP 31 SAVES AND IS SHOOTOUT-FLAWFREE
SOME NIGHTS...YOU JUST HAVE A LOT TO LIKE

Game 42 @ Chicago Blackhawks 4-0
YAY!

Game 43 @ St. Louis Blues 0-4
BOO!

Game 44 vs. Nashville Predators 1-4
HEY GUYS YOU KNOW WHAT'S FUN IS WHEN YOUR TEAM TAKES THE PIPE FOR A PERIOD, GOES DOWN BY 3 GOALS, THEN GETS TO SKATE AROUND LIKE CRAZY FOR A COUPLE OF PERIODS, CONVINCING EVERYBODY IN THE WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD THAT "wow, the Avs are really taking it to the Preds now!" WHEN IN FACT
(a) THE PREDS WERE JUST HANGING BACK & CONSERVING ENERGY KNOWING THAT PEKKA "man, that goalie is solid" RINNE COUGHS UP 3-GOAL LEADS ABOUT AS OFTEN AS CHRIS COLLISION TURNS DOWN A BEER
(b) THE ENTIRE WORLD IS FUCKING FULL OF MORON IDIOT DIPSHITS
THAT'S FUN

Game 45 @ Nashville Predators 2-3 (OT)
WHAT PROFITS A MAN, IF HE GAIN THE LOSER POINT AND LOSE HIS OWN...UHM...GAME?
WHAT PROFITS A TEAM, IF THEY GAIN A TWO-GOAL LEAD THEN KIND OF JUST PLAY GRAB-ASS AND FUCKAROUND FUCKAROUND FUCKAROUND ALL THE REST OF THE NIGHT, BEFORE GIVING UP A PAIR OF GOALS TO DAVID 'seriously, you guys, his name is literally the greatest euphemism for "magic penis" I can imagine' LEGWAND?
SADLY, THOUGH JOE SACCO IS A GOOD COACH WHO I LIKE AND RESPECT, I DO OF AN EVENING SUSPECT HE MAY BE BETTER SUITED FOR COACHING THIS GAME I'VE MOOTED
THE ONE CALLED:
FUCKAROUND FUCKAROUND FUCKAROUND
(AND ALL THOSE WHO'VE PLAYED THAT GAME KNOW HOW IT ENDS: NOT WITH ANY SHOOTING OUT, BUT WITH--PRETTY SOON...YOU WON'T BE AROUND)

Game 46 @ Dallas Stars 2-1
AH YET ANOTHER TENSE ONE AGAINST THE "STARS" BUT NICE FOR THE GWG TO FEATURE A SHOT BY ERIK JOHNSON, TIPPED BY PAUL STASTNY
AND NICE FOR YOUNG MR. LANDESKOG TO ROLL OVER OLD MR. BRENDEN "BRANDON" MORROW AND THEREBY WIN YET STILL MORE RESPECT
EVENTUALLY, IN 15 OR SO YEARS, PERHAPS LANDESKOG CAN RETIRE AND APPRENTICE HIMSELF TO THE SUN-BELT MYSTERY-SOLVING TEAM BRENDEN & BRENDAN, AS THE TITULAR RESPECTIVE MESSERS MORROW & MORRISON WHO BY NIGHT MELD INTO ONE SURGING FIGURE, THE MIGHTY SORT OF...VOLTRON WEREWOLF--"BRENDAEN" IS HIS NAME-O--STALKING THE HEAT-BLASTED SUBDEVELOPMENTS OF THE NON-"SOUTH" SOUTHERN U.S., SOLVING THOSE GENTLE DEPREDATIONS ONCE PRIVATELY POLICED BY YOUR SIMONS, HARTS, ETS ALS...PERHAPS...IN 15 OR SO YEARS...

Game 47 @ Phoenix Coyotes 1-6
WE TRUDGE TEAM AND FAN
TOWARD A SEASON UNBURTHENED
BY SUCCESS OR EFFORT UNTIL BEAT WRITERS FOLLOW CLAIMS ABOUT BOUNCES
WITH WHINES ABOUT SNUBS
(AND SURE YEAH SURE: WOULD BE NICE FOR A GUY WHO JUST HAD A WORLD-HISTORICALLY SHITTY DAY AT WORK TO STAND AND DELIVER AFTER)
(ROLLS EYES SO HARD YOU CAN HEAR IT FROM VENUS)

today in quelle fucking surprises

"Puck Daddy endorses Bleeding Teal, our favorite San Jose Sharks vlog that involves booze."


Yeah, "booze".

So, let's see: 140 posts + three years at this address (plus some older shit elsewhere)--that's us. At around 1.50 of the video, "Bleeding Teal" forgets to talk about hockey and starts shrieking about clubs and what they drink. That's them. HAY WYSH, WE TALK ABOUT WHAT WE DRINK I'M DRUNK RIGHT FUCKING NOW. WHERE'S MY LINK WYSH?

Because, and you can bet your Star Wars bathroom on this: you will never, ever see those girls without their shirts on. It's just not going to happen. Drink all the scotch you want. Smoke all the cigars in the whole world. They're never going to pop out of their Forever 21 dipshit tank tops, they're never going to pop out of your computer screen, and they're never actually going to say anything interesting about hockey.

Or anything else.

Joey Hishon is very, very Canadian

And that's okay.

(Confidential to the Avs: maybe you could look into drafting this Messman guy? We could use a couple more rib-cracking cross-checkers in the lined-up!)