Beating my head against the wall: mucho trade action and richocheting ahead!
Game 59 @ Winnipeg Jets 1-5
AS DISHEARTENING AS IT'S BEEN ALL SEASON
COMPETENT FIRST PERIOD, MORE OR LESS, FOLLOWED BY A COMPLETE KNUCKLE-UNDER GUT-FREE PERFORMANCE IN THE SECOND--MY DAY OF HOCKEY FANDOM BEGAN WITH THE ASSERTION "undeniable miserable churn of a .500 season...MOVED TO "that Landy/EJ goal was tits"...THEN MOVED BASICALLY OFF THE RAILS WITH TIGHT CLOSEUPS OF HELMET/VISORLESS ANDREW LADD IN HD, AND WENT COMPLETELY ENTIRELY TO SHITSHOW MODE WHEN MY LOSER BUDDIES STARTED TALKING THAT SHIT:
Bogdan von Pylon: So the book on Varlamov is "Tell him his shoe is untied, then go high stick-side, hey."
How about that Burmistrov, huh?
When did you guys hire Jack Edwards to fluff your fans?
Is this the first fight Thorburn has ever won?
THEN EVANDER KANE PROVED WHAT A TOUGH DUDE HE WAS BY SHOWING OFF HIS GROUND & POUND GAME, LYING ON TOP OF HIS FOE AND DEPLOYING SOME ECELLENT RABBIT PUNCH FORM
Jew Grimson: [Kane gets a] Lifetime pass because of the Cooke hit. Also I fear the "dine and dash" rumors are more because he's an 'Evander' playing a 'Gordie' sport.
[ED NOTE: THIS LAST BIT IS PROBABLY TRUE]
GOD WHAT A SHITTY GAME THIS WAS
AND EVEN THE THOROUGH DOMINATION DIDN'T PLEASE MASTER von Pylon:
Bogdan von Pylon: Great. I have a 50% chance that I'll get to see the 'peg play 4 games in the playoffs. Nice night indeed.
Game 60 vs. Los Angeles Kings 4-1
A BIT OF A LITTLE BIT OF A SMIDGE OF A WEIRD ONE--THE AVS DIDN'T ACTUALLY PLAY ALL THAT WELL, BUT HORRIBLE NO-GOOD TERRIBLE AWFUL GOALTENDING SUNK THE KINGS, VARLAMOV ROBBED ANZE KOPITAR IN THE MANNER COMMON FOR RUSSIAN-ON-SLOVAK CRIME
Pierre Idiot Trudeau: Varlamov has tanks and puppet politicians?
[ED NOTE: VARLAMOV IS VERY WELL PREPARED]
AND STEVE DOWNIE MADE A NICE, NICE DEBUT, ENABLING ME TO BE GAME WHEN BOGDAN BROUGHT THE HAMMER:
Bogdan von Pylon: Don't make me slap you down. Was he worth Kyle Quincey?
THOUGH MY INITIAL RESPONSE, WAS, AH...LESS...FAVORABLE...
(Things Chris Collision has been wrong about, Volume 1.)
BUT IN GENERAL, I HAD SIMPLE ASSESSMENTS OF THIS ROUGH TREATMENT OF THE KINGS: AVS SCORING SO EFFECTIVELY, I THOUGHT THEY WERE PLAYING THE BLACKHAWKS! and AS IT SAYS IN THE ANCIENT SCROLLS, 'GIVE UP 2 GOALS TO PAUL STASTNY? YOUR GOALIES ARE HAVING A ROUGH NIGHT'
Game 61 @ Columbus Blue Jackets 5-0
BAD TEAM MEETS WORSE TEAM--PROBABLY THE ONLY INTERESTING THING YOU CAN DRAW FROM THIS GAME IS THAT GOALTENDING MATTERS, AND LORD VARLAMOV HE-WHO-MUST-NOT-BE-SCORED-UPON TRUMPS STEVE MASON (SOMETIMES)
IN A SMALLER-SCALE NOTE, DAVID 'NICKNAME' JONES WITH A THREE-POINT NIGHT, MAYBE SAVING HIMSELF FROM A BENCHING, AND MATT 'NOWAY HE RE-SIGNS' 'GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE' '"HERE"' IS JOE SACCO'S DOGHOUSE' HUNWICK SIGHTING!
Game 62 @ Detroit Red Wings 4-3
IF THERE IS ANYTHING MORE SATISFYING, SAID GREG SHERMAN'S SOCK PUPPET, THAN A HORRIFYING KYLE QUINCEY TURNOVER LEADING TO AN AVS GOAL A WEEK AFTER HE WAS TRADED FOR WHAT SEEMED (AHEM) TO SOME (AHEM) AN INADEQUATE RETURN, INDICATING YET STILL ONE MORE RED-WINGS-TROUNCE-THE-AVS INTERACTION...IT'S HARD TO KNOW WHAT THAT MIGHT BE...(EVEN IF THE TURNOVER WAS CREATED BY AN UNCALLED CHUCK KOBASEW PENALTY)
AFTER THAT FIST-FIGHT INDUCING JETS LOSS, THE AVS HAVE SANDWICHED A SHELLACKING OF A TERRIBLE TEAM WITH TWO SOLID WINS OVER GOOD BUT SLUMPING SQUADS--WHO IS THIS AVS TEAM AND WHAT DID THEY DO WITH THE GUYS I'VE GOTTEN USED TO THE LAST THREE SEASONS???
Game 63 vs. Anaheim Ducks 4-1
AS LONG AS THE AVS ONLY PLAY HOME GAMES...AGAINST TEAMS THAT PLAYED SOMEWHERE ELSE THE NIGHT BEFORE...I BASICALLY LIKE THEIR CHANCES
Pierre Idiot Trudeau: That seems like a plausible schedule!
ANOTHER TRADE THAT I DON'T LIKE, THOUGH, DUMPING THE INCREDIBLY INCONSISTENT T.J. GALIARDI & THE IMMENSELY RELIABLE DAN 'NOT JUDD' 'WILL HELP ANY TEAM HE'S ON BE BETTER, GOOD OR BAD' WINNICK FOR THE YOUNG JAMIE MCGINN--DEAR AVS: YOU KNOW GUYS ON THE THIRD LINE OF POWERHOUSE TEAMS LIKE THE SAN JOSE SHARKS* DON'T REALLY TEND TO STAR WHEN THEY GO TO BAD SQUADS, RIGHT?
*NOTE HERE: FOR SOME REASON, I STILL CONSIDER THE SHARKS A POWERHOUSE, PROBABLY BASED ON THE NAMES ON THE ROSTER, BUT...THEIR RECORD STINKS ON ICE...
(Things Chris Collision has been wrong about, Volume 2.)
Game 64 vs. Columbus Blue Jackets 0-2
AH.
THERE IS THE TEAM I RECOGNIZE FROM THE LAST COUPLE YEARS. FOUR-GAME WIN STREAK. HOME GAME AGAINST THE WORST TEAM IN THE LEAGUE. CHANCE TO MOVE UP IN THE PLAYOFF RACE. GET SHUT OUT.
THIS MAY HAVE BEEN THE WORST LOSS OF THE YEAR.
Game 65 vs. Pittsburgh Penguins 1-5
AAAAAND...THAT IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN A HANDSOME MAN SPEAKS TOO SOON. THIS WAS A BRUTAL, BRUTAL SAVAGING. NO PART OF THE AVS LOOKED LIKE EVEN A COMPETENT HOCKEY TEAM--THOUGH THE PENS COLOR GUY DID OPENLY GUSH OVER THE QUALITY AND SHEEN OF GABRIEL LANDESKOG AFTER THE GAME--AND PRETTY MUCH THE ONLY THING I LIKED ABOUT THIS ENTIRE EXPERIENCE WAS GETTING TO SEE EVGENY MALKIN PLAY LIKE AN MVP...DON'T GET TO SEE HOCKEY OF THAT CALIBER TOO TERRIBLY OFTEN, AND IT'S GENUINELY EXCITING
Pierre Idiot Trudeau: Cody who? Kassian elevates to "My Boyfriend" status.
Collision: You ever get excited about hockey when my team isn't getting Sleepers levels of abuse?
Pierre Idiot Trudeau: Well, it just happens so much is all.
Pierre Idiot Trudeau: Look, your team only got shut out, then beat up, and... Y'know, I'll just stop.
AARON ASHAM IN HD DEMONSTRATES THE FACIAL COSTS OF BEING A HOCKEY PLAYER...MILAN MICHALEK DEMONSTRATED A TEXTBOOK CHECK--EXCEPT THE TEXTBOOK WAS "A Horrifying Goon's Illustrated Compendium of Elbows to the Throat", AND STEVE DOWNIE DEMONSTRATED HIS UNCANNY AND ENGAGING--NOW THAT HE'S ON MY TEAM, ANYWAY--ABILITY TO BE A MAGNET FOR COMPLETE INSANITY
Game 66 @ Minnesota Mild 2-0
OH, GREAT, THE WILD...AWESOME, A TEAM THAT NEVER LOSES AGAINST THE AVS, WHEN THE AVS ARE SLUMPING TO BEGIN WITH, WELL, THIS SHOULD GO--HUNH
SHUTOUT, EH? NEW GUY THROWS IN A GOAL, EH? THEN ANOTHER ONE, EH?
IF I CAN GET WELL AHEAD OF MYSELF FOR A MINUTE, I AM NOT HATING THE WAY THIS TEAM IS PLAYING IN THIS QUARTER OR SO OF THE SEASON--AND IF THEY CAN CARRY SOME HOT PLAY INTO THE PLAYOFFS AND GET ANNIHILATED BY THE CANUCKS? I WOULD BE FINE WITH THAT
(AND ACTUALLY I'M ALLOWING MYSELF THE OCCASIONAL PRIVATE MOMENT WHERE I LOOK EVEN FARTHER AHEAD OF MYSELF AND SPECULATE ABOUT THE DECENT WAY THE AVS ACTUALLY MATCH UP AGAINST THE BLUES...)
Game 67 vs. Minnesota Mild 7-1
MAYBE THE MOST SATISFYING WIN OF THE YEAR--UNTIL AN UNCALLED STICK PENALTY WRECKED MATT DUCHENE'S ANKLE AND PUT HIM OUT FOR THE STRETCH RUN--TYPICAL SHODDY, SHADY MINNESOTA WILD HOCKEY PLAY
BUT LET US WALLOW IN THE GOOD FOR A MOMENT--FIRST-PERIOD ERIK JOHNSON & WHOLE-GAME SEMYON LORD VARLAMOV--HE-WHO-MUST-NOT-BE-SCORED-UPON--WERE BOTH ATHLETIC, FAST, AND SKILLED: WHEN THEY'RE ON, THEY MAY BE MY FAVORITE GUYS IN THIS PARTICULAR ITERATION OF THE LOGO'S LABORERS
AND, ONCE AGAIN, CODY MCLEOD ENDS UP WITH, SOMEHOW, A BREAKAWAY GOAL...(ALL AVS FANS FEEL PRETTY FOND OF OL' CODY, PARTICULARLY WHEN HE'S HITTING PEOPLE IN THE CORNERS AND GETTING HIS WEIRD RUMBLE-STUMBLE BREAKAWAYS AND NOT TAKING TOO MANY LAZY STICK PENALTIES--WE DISCOVERED THIS WEEK THAT COACH JOE SACCO FEELS THE SAME WAY)
NICE TO HAVE SOMETHING POSITIVE TO ROOT FOR ON A NIGHT MOST NOTABLE FOR KRONWALL'S FULL CNS-SHUTDOWN HEADSHOT
Game 68 @ Nashville Predators 2 - 4
OH LORD--NOT LORD VARLAMOV HE-WHO-MUST-NOT-BE-SCORED-UPON, JUST THE REGULAR LORD YOUR GOD--WHEN THIS TEAM DOES DISHEARTENING LOSS, IT REALLY DOES DISHEARTENING LOSS
AND ON A NIGHT WHEN PEKKA RINNE ACTUALLY LOOKED MORTAL, THE AVS STILL COULDN'T SUMMIT THAT 3-GOAL PLATEAU
BUT THERE WAS HARD PLAY, THERE WAS A LAST FLURRY-SURGE OF DEEPLY PURPOSIVE BUT NONPRODUCTIVE EFFORT, PAUL STASTNY SCORED A GOAL, CODY MCLEOD NEARLY DID, AND SOME NIGHTS IN SOME SEASONS, QUASI-ROTISSERIE CONSIDERATIONS + ROOT-FORABLE GUYS IS WHAT YOU CLING CLING TO
Game 69 vs. Edmonton Oilers 3 - 2 (SO)
CHAOTIC, THIS AFTERNOON TILT, WITH REVIEWABLE PLAYS APLENTY & BOTCHED CALLS IN EQUAL NUMBER--OILERS WERE ROBBED OF A GOOD GOAL, AVS NEARLY GIFTED WITH ONE, RYAN SMYTH SCORED THE LEAST SURPRISING ANTI-AVS COACH-KILLER GOAL--ALL FORMER AVS SCORE AGAINST THE AVS, AND IT IS SMYTH'S SPECIAL HATABILITY THAT HAD HIM DO SO WITH LESS THAN 30 SECONDS LEFT ON EL CLOCKO--BUT THE AVS DID MANAGE TO EKE OUT THE VICTORY BY VICTIMIZING NIKOLAI KHABIBULIN IN THE SHOOTOUT AND THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT, IS THERE?
Game 70 vs. Anaheim Ducks 3 - 3 (OT)
JUST AS SINNER SMYTH MUST THRUST KNIVES DEEP INTO THE AVS, SAINT TEEMU SELANNE MUST DEMONSTRATE HIS UNAGING SKILL WITH WHAT IS BY MY COUNT HIS ELEVEN THOUSANDTH IMPORTANT ANTI-AVS GOAL (OKAY, MAYBE IT'S A MERE 34) BUT ONE THING RANG THUNDERING TRUE AFTER THIS GAME, AS I I DID PUSHUPS IN MY KITCHEN: WITH J-S 'FUCKIN' PRO' GIGUERE & SEMYON LORD VARLAMOV, HE-WHO-MUST-NOT-BE-SCORED-UPON, IN GOAL, THE AVS CAN GO INTO A SITUATION WHERE A SUPERB GOALIE--LIKE ANAHEIM'S JONAS HILLER--IS HAVING A MAGNIFICENT GAME--LIKE HE WAS THAT NIGHT--AND FEEL ABSOLUTELY CONFIDENT THAT A WIN IS AT LEAST POSSIBLE...AND IT HAS BEEN A WHILE, AND THEN A WHILE, SINCE AN AVS FAN COULD FEEL ANYTHING LIKE THAT...
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