thrashing rage: Avs slump, blogger dies inside

Game 15 vs. Calgary Flames 1-2
OH I JUST QUIT; I CAN'T RECAP A GAME AGAINST THE CALGARY FLAMES ANY MORE THAN THE AVS CAN PLAY ONE

Game 16 @ Detroit Red Wings 2-5
WHAT A SHOCK: FRANZEN HAT-TRICKS US, LIDSTROM NETS ONE, AVS LIMP THROUGH A LIMP GAME, LIMPLY, WITH ALL THE FIRE AND VIM OF A SQUAD ALREADY PLANNING THEIR NEXT GAMES OF WORDS WITH FRIENDS

Game 17 vs. New York Islanders 4-3 (OT)
DIG A HOLE, DIG OUT OF HOLE, GIVE UP LOTSA GOALS, GO DOWN THREE, THEN ROAR BACK
GOOD POLICY AGAINST THE ISLES
NOT SO GOOD AGAINST PROFESSIONAL HOCKEY PLAYERS

Game 18 vs Calgary Flames 3-4
DO I EVEN HAVE TO EXPLAIN THIS?
THIS TEAM OVER HERE *points at Avs* can't beat this team over here *points at Flames

Game 19 @ Pittsburgh Penguins 3-6
WELL, IT WAS FUN FOR A MINUTE, ANYWAY, WITH MATT DUCHENE LOOKING LIKE A WORLD-BEATER OFF OF A BEAUTIFUL PUCK-BATTLE-WIN + PASS FROM MY MAN STASTNY
AND THEN IT ALL JUST HOPPED THE OL' ROCKET TRAIN TO SHITTOWN

Game 20 @ Minnesota "Wild" 0-1
HALF-ASSED ADEQUATE PACE TO THIS GAME, DESPITE THE SCORE, FUN TO WATCH A "PHYSICAL" WILD TEAM GET ELBOWS & STICKS UP & CAPITALIZE ON A LATE NEUTRAL-ZONE LAPSE
IN OTHER NEWS, I AM APPARENTLY A WHINY IDIOT HOMER

I CAN LIVE WITH THAT

Game 21 vs. Dallas "Stars" 3-0
STATS, DUTCHY WITH GOALS IN A GAME THAT WAS TIGHT WELL INTO THE THIRD
NICE, NICE WIN
A BRIEF MOMENT OF RELIEF IN A LONG SEASON OF ABUSE AND DANK

Game 22 vs. San Jose Sharks 1-4
MANY UNHAPPINESSES ATTEND THIS LOSS
SACCO RESPONDS WITH DAY-AFTER BAG SKATE
BUT HONESTLY: THE AVS TRIED HARD; THEY'RE SIMPLY NOT EQUIPPED TO COMPETE WITH A TEAM OF THE SHARKS' CALIBER
TOP FORWARDS FOR SHARKS: JOE THORNTON
JOE PAVELSKI
PATRICK MARLEAU
HAVLAT/COUTURE
TOP FORWARDS FOR AVS: PAUL STASTNY
MATT DUCHENE
LANDESKOG/HEJDUK
ANY FUCKING QUESTIONS?

really justified in having nothing to say

I remain resolute: I really will be recapping and reacting to every Avalanche game this season--it's just that this is going to be released in probably weekly or bi-weekly clumps (like pooping!) for the time being.

For now, I will say only that I have a strong, strong sense that every player on this Avalanche team is or has been exactly as good as they'll ever be: there aren't any point-a-game seasons waiting for Matt Duchene, no 40-goal seasons for David "nickname" Jones, no 40-win years for LORD Varlamov he-who-must-not-be-scored-upon.

Minor note: if you are in the national media, and you spend more time fawning over Jeff Skinner ('s undeniable excellence) than Matt Duchene ('s undeniable excellence), you are part of the problem. Major note: I am in a horrible mood. Enjoy the Rudimentary Peni, everybody.

--Collision, who desperately needs a maintenance day

Darren Rovell thinks rape victims should move on so PSU/Sandusky can be saved

Darren Rovell:
Sandusky/PSU could be saved if '02 alleged victim doesn't come forward. Some rape victims prefer to move on instead of go back.

Everything about this is wretched.

The possiblility of "saving" Penn State or Sandusky is not one I think is worth meditating on.

A minor thing, possibly unique to me, but I also don't like the eternal sportscaster's present "if the victim doesn't" when used about something that actually matters. "If Hitler doesn't invade Poland, the Reich could have been saved."

Another phrasing gaffe is the informality of "move on" as applied to the experience of having been sodomized as a child, or any rape whatsoever. But the content is far, far worse than the packaging, of course: whatever it is that Darren Rovell does or does not know about what "some rape victims" do or do not prefer to do is of less interest to me than you can possibly imagine. Especially hateful and wretched to suggest is that this "'02 alleged victim" should have elected to "move on instead of go back". That this toss-off of dismissive, snotty judgment still sullies the Web a day or so after it was posted speaks ill of Darren Rovell, his employers, and the general community of people who pay attention to them.

--Collision, sick to his guts over the awful things people say

The only thing that works is thinking about Flux of Pink Indians. Darren Rovell, reminding people "The Fucking Cunts Treat Us Like Pricks" since 2011.

Milan Hejduk: still awesome, now captain

http://www.sportsnet.ca/hockey/2011/11/14/mendes_anderson/

Nice piece on how the whilom Saint Mayor, current History's Greatest Monster, future Ex Who I Vaguely Hope Is Doing Well and Who I Will Never Have to Talk to Again used to be not Craig Anderson but Craig Andersson. S/t to Puck Daddy.

But today, nothing may distract us from our sacred obligation to honor long-time second-tier star Milan Hejduk, as he finally--finally--gets his due and is anointed the Colorado Avalanche's captain, joining longtime stalwarts Joe Sakic and Adam Foote as the only captains the franchise has ever known. Hejduk has long been a favorite of mine for his professionalism, his not-bad-for-a-hockey-player sense of humor and his deadly shot.

Hejduk's comment on the new gig?

It's pretty cool.

He also looks exactly like Doug from The State, which doesn't hurt.

(Doug from The State, preparing to utter his catchphrase, "I'm leaving now.")

(Milan Hejduk posing for a photograph the day he was drafted.)

poetry corner (not a joke)

To keep things interesting, occasionally the broken men of Clear the Crease have been known to craft a behind-the-scenes wager or thousand. I'm tired of taking their money, though, and my liver won't stand up under too many more bottle-matching bets, so we've been roaming afield. A couple of Flames-roughly-dispatch-the-Avalanche ago, Bogdan von Pylon & I set up some kind of idiot bullshit whereby if his team won, I'd have to craft a sonnet for each of the goal-scorers.

And now I have. Because his team won. His team always wins. His team has beaten mine 7 times in a dog-killing row now. I hate Bogdan von Pylon, I hate the Calgary Flames, I hate the challenge of coming up with rhymes, and I hate you.

What we've got here, then is a failure to communicate probably the worst idea Clear the Crease has ever had. Sonnets devoted to Roman Horak, Lee Stempniak, and Rene Bourque. Enjoy. Sorry, everybody--we'll return to our normal strident agonizing without any rhyming real soon here.

Roman Horak, rookie, plenipotent
at least against the Avalanche
at least that night, his rodent's
face and stick on the power play spanked
our Darkish Lord (sorta), hard shot shanked
past our Goalie Varlamov, a backhand
in more ways than one. A shaky team blanched
in the face of this Calgary stand
and, as we shall see, apparently planned
to give up a few more goals,
letting the Flames' lead expand
before letting the third line roll,
rumble, score, and achieve. Too little
too late, Avs: you skate by night through Roman Horak's spittle.


The next hand of man to light the lamp
belonged of course to another Flame.
These men disappoint and fade, their names
never rating or resounding. They cannot set up camp,
Calgary Flames, in the Hockey Hall of Fame,
because by and large they suck. Iron grips clamp
the former team from Atlanta and they wank
endlessly now in Alberta, piling up mediocrities without shame.
Unless they play the Avalanche. Then the Flames burn
with frank excellence. Exuberant scores
meet stern defensive stops, and Calgary spurns
their normal slouching tendency toward loss.
Lee Stempniak absorbs a rebound, pours
a puck past Varly, and my stomach turns.


There once was a man by the name of Rene Bourque.
When he played the Avalanche, he really knew
how to play the game. Against the rest of the league he blew.
But 29 games (so far) against the Avs he has dined on pork
forking himself 13 fat-crackling goals
and another 12 helpings of assists for his mates.
Great. Terrif. Nice job. Your role
I guess is to stick it to my team, plate
up piles of production, use your Calgary Flames to roast
a tasty dish of my dashed dreams and serve
it to me cold, iced in fact. Curb
your appetite, Mr. Bourque. You boast
an enviable menu of skills--some nights, anyway, you disturb
my sense that you should suck. Tonight, though: please coast.

Clear the Crease hearts Milan Hejduk

And this is (part of) why (the day after he became the 111th all-time leading scorer in the history of the NHL). Clear the Crease also hearts air hockey.

time wounds all heels

Today's batch of insanity comes--surprisingly--from Lou Lam:

Lou Lamoriello, the team's president and general manager, said in a phone interview that there are "no signs" that Brodeur's workload has had any adverse effect on his performance. "He's still the player he's always been," he said.

Massive hero of mine Franz Boas once said of someone's position, "the only things this position argues against are history and science." In this instance, Lou Lam seems to be denying a little of both: hitting up the redoubtable Hockey DB indicates that Martin Brodeur last year put up:

• his first losing season
• his worst save percentage as a pro
• his second-worst GAA as a pro

and finished it all off by playing fewer than 67 games for the second time in 15 seasons--or for the second time in three seasons, if you want to look at it that way.

By no measure imaginable is he "the player he's always been". Even if his numbers were where they once were, it's preposterous to consider a 39-year-old the same way you'd consider a 27-year-old. And woe betide the general manager who doesn't understand that time passes and rarely improves any of us.

--Collision, considering himself as a 36-year-old

too much non-fun (5 games of pain)

(The team is a little--WAIT FOR IT--cold right now.)

Game 9 @ Calgary Flames 2-4
DESPAIR FLOODS ALL THIS IS THE SAME TEAM AS LAST YEAR ('S SLAUGHTER OF THE SOUL OF A SECOND HALF)
I HAVE BEEN A FAN OF THIS TEAM SINCE IT HAS BEEN A TEAM & I CAN HONESTLY NOT RECALL A SINGLE DECENT TRIP TO LEFTERN CANADA; CALGARY, THOU ART KRYPTONITE AND I DO LOATHE THEE FROM HELL'S HEART I SPIT AT THEE FROM THE DEPTHS OF RAGE I CONSIGN YOU THUS TO BURN

Game 10 vs. Edmonton Oilers 1-3
LIKE I SAID: 1996-2011 = ZERO DECENT TRIPS TO LEFTERN CANADA
TEAMS WITH SPEED, THE AVS HAVE TROUBLE WITH
CAN I SAY THIS? I THINK TOM RENNEY IS A GENIUS

Game 11 vs. Los Angeles Kings 3-2
BACK ON TRACK BOYS PLAYOFFS AND SUCCESS GUARANTEED
PERFECT WINS FOREVER
SKATING, SCORING, SAVES AND WINS

Game 12 vs. Phoenix Coyotes 1-4
THIS REALLY IS THE SAME TEAM AS LAST YEAR
WHEN IS THE LAST TIME THE AVS PLAYED HALF-DECENTLY AGAINST THE ETERNALLY CURSE-BEARING STUDENT DOANS?
OCCUPY DAVE TIPPETT (LIKE WITH A HOBBY OR SOME SHIT DISTRACTING HIM FROM COACHING HOCKEY AGAINST THE AVALANCHE, MAYBE BRIDGE, BRIDGE SEEMS FUN AND LIKE SOMETHING THAT DAVE TIPPETT MIGHT ENJOY)
CRUSHING LOSS, DON'T TALK TO ME ABOUT TEAM PLAYED WELL, GOALIE STOOD ON HEAD, EVERYTHING'S FINE EVERYTHING'S NOT FINE AND LOSING TO NO-NAME SQUADS SLASH FRANCHISES IN TROUBLE WILL NEVER BE OKAY
WHY DOES THIS TEAM SUCK AT HOME?

Game 13 @ Dallas Stars 6-7 (OT)
TWO WAYS YOU CAN TELL YOU'RE KIND OF OVERCOMMITTED TO A TEAM (THAT IS NOT PARTICULARLY GOOD): 1) YOU GIVE UP 7 GOALS BUT SCORE 6 AND SHRUG AND SAY "WELL, GOOD FOR THE FANTASY NUMBERS, ANYWAYS"
2) YOU SEE AN ARTICLE PITCHED AS examining the 2009 Jordan Leopold trade AND THERE'S NO WAY IN THE WORLD YOU'RE NOT CLICKING ON THAT BAD BOY

too dumb to play with themselves 12: Adam Proteau (or IS it?)

In his most recent column, Adam Proteau solidifies the chance he'll land the lead role in Simple Jack II.

Which is a good job by him. I mean, if Joe Thornton has taught us anything besides John Tortorella is funny as fuck, it's that trading great forwards works really really well: I mean trade centerpiece Marco Sturm is tearing shit up for the Bruins to this very day, and Wayne Primeau & Brad Stuart's contributions to the Big Bad Bears surely need no gilding from the likes of me.

What's particularly amazing is the last line:

And the hockey chiropractors charged with straightening out the organization’s spine need to accept the time has come to cut the cord.

I mean, this is...this is Thomas Friedman level ineptitude. The second you've accepted "hockey chiropractor" as something better than word salad, you're confronted with "cut the cord" which inevitably is going to make a non-weenie think of the spinal cord.

Personally, I'm completely behind the idea that says that somebody should cut the spinal cord of the Calgary Flames franchise. It's just surprising seeing it appear in the Hockey News.

--Collision, cleared for off-ice workouts

Sean Avery thrusts his way roughly back into

the Rangers' roster, per the New York Post's Larry Brooks.

This is essentially guaranteed to end really, really well.