Wednesday, October 5, 2011

what YOUR team needs to win the Stanley Cup

History and science teach us a lot.

Clear the Crease knows that the thousands of readers...reading...and the millions of bloggers ripping us off around the world are highly partisan obsessives who boil everything hockey-related down to exactly one factor:

what exactly will it take for my team to win a Cup this year?

With our matchless database of hockey history--incorporating literally every play ever recorded in an official NHL game--and infinite reserves of sagacity, Clear the Crease is happy to spell out that factor for whatever your team might be. Later this week, we'll go ahead and assess your squad in light of their likely access to the identified factor.

Calgary Flames (1989): an epic Moustache and a butthurt midget

Montreal Canadiens (1916, 1924, 1930, 1944, 1946, 1953, 1956-1960, 1965-66, 1968-69, 1971, 1973, 1976-79, 1986, 1993): a radically unbalanced league and a territorial draft

Toronto Maple Leafs (1918, 1922, 1932, 1942, 1945, 1947-49, 1951, 1962, 1963, 1964, 1967): Prohibition and a nascent civil rights movement

Detroit Red Wangs (1997-98, 2002, 2008): Republican control of the White House, Congress, and Supreme Court

Boston Bruins (1970, 1972, 2011): the world's best defenceman + Montreal forgetting to curb-stomp them

New York Islanders (1980-83): a defeated, humiliated nation in a recession & without the energy to worry about keeping good hockey in actual major metropolitan areas

Edmonton Oilers (1984-85, 1987-88, 1990): a defeated, humiliated nation to the south that's in a recession & without the energy to worry about keeping good hockey in actual major metropolitan areas + all the cocaine in the whole world

New York Rangers (1928, 1933, 1940, 1994): sunshine; dog's ass

Colorado Avalanche (1996, 2001): Philadelphia + a world-historically stupid family

Philadelphia Flyers (1974-75): a league allowing the "neck-punch" defensive alignment

Pittsburgh Penguins (1991-92, 2009): everybody forgetting to worry about tanking for a couple years to get the world's best players

New Jersey Devils (1995, 2000, 2003): see Philadelphia + a competent goalie under the age of 212 + that goalie forgetting to choke

Anaheim Ducks (2007): Pronger

Chicago Black Hawks (1934, 1938, 1961, 2010): Pronger

Edmonton: Pronger

Philly: Pronger

Dallas Stars (1999): world-historically inept officiating

Carolina Hurricanes (2006): no one knows spooky music

Tampa Bay Lightning (2004): ... playing the Flames? I guess? No one knows how these southern teams managed to win their Cups.

No comments: