The season starts! Jew Grimson didn't manage to make it down to watch his over-the-cap heroes fight my plucky squad of young'uns, and I didn't manage to find a bar willing to show out-of-town hockey instead of the fucking Giants game--so I hunkered down with my beloved lappy in the coffee shop and hooked into the radio feed.

Grimson chirped at me a few times, and I couldn't really get back at him much, b/c all texts are costing me ducats at the moment, so he definitely won the battle on points. I did manage to throw a couple-three tweets out there, and I could point out that I didn't make it all the way through the game becuz compy's battery died, and that I was ginning up the season preview, but these are all excuses. Grimson won the battle. I can live with that.

(Re: setting up the event)
Grimson: The only thing more loathsome than a bandwagon Giants fan is a diehard Niners fan.

Grimson: Wow, that building is loud, if the audio feed on Vs. is to be trusted


[Collision: I bet anything it was sweetened with the crowd noise from KISS Alive. I was offline at this point, sitting out the ode to the '96 Avs team. KISS sucks.]

Grimson: 3 goals apiece, Blackhawk SO win.
[Collision: Good call--all the games last year were three-point games, so he's got history on his side...]

Grimson: Why do I think Anderson will let 3 by? He'll be giving my guys the hometown discount. Forgot he was from there.
[Collision: Grimson doesn't know this, but it's likely that, in exchange for this horrifying slander of Saint Mayor Craig Anderson, I will burn his house down. Real talk. I am publically threatening arson.

Grimson: Best thing about the radio? Not having to see all these ads for a Terrel Owens/Ochocinco talkshow. The name? T.Ocho show. Cringe.
[Collision: Anybody remember what it was like back before civilization fell?]

Grimson: Ok, I get the ode to 96 now. Thought you were just talking about inevitable mention of that team by the press, didn't realize they were in the building. Explains the noise.
That penalty was a no-doubter. Anderson looks great. Should have been a shorthand for Stastny. (7.26pm)

Right around here, I began to feel much rage. What kills this Avs team is lack of puck possession--starting with faceoffs, a major problem last year, and moving to Dmen who can skate and move the puck, but who aren't big enough to win battles and get the puck in the first place. (And then there's Hannan and Foote, who are big and strong enough to win battles, but are too slow to get there and can't do anything with the puck once they do get it on their sticks.) What happens is that the bad guys dominate the puck for a long time, the Avs get tired, the Avs get desperate, and the Avs take a penalty. More than anything else, this team shortcoming and the in-game pattern that results from it is what killed them against the Sharks last year, and it'll continue to kill them against teams who win faceoffs and who have big, fast or skilled forwards.

Collision: Great job, Avs. Take a penalty against the Blackhawks. Genius.

Grimson: The Hossa pass was better than the shot. (7.27pm)

Grimson Anderson flipped 20 cent with his stick, but it was after the play, no call. Kane just didn't see the stick. Forget the score, this is fun, fast hockey.
[Collision: there's the tagline for the season! Forget the score! Bring the whole family!]

Collision: Nice timeout, Quennville, you fucking pussy.
[Collision: Ahem. Not real proud of this one.]

Grimson: Duchene grew up a huge Avs/Roy fan & would have been a goalie if his dad would have let him. 4 Roy posters in his room.
[Collision: I knew the Avs part, but the Roy thing was a new one on me. The kid is great, but my favorite person this week--after Stastny--might now be Duchene the Elder.

Grimson: Seabrook got away with one (7.48)
[Collision: Yeah, what are the odds that the defending over-the-cap champs get calls and no-calls against the popular pick to slip out of the playoff picture?]

Grimson: That came from 19 year old Leddy's inability to handle a simple pass & Turco pinching in the net anticipating the pass instead of the shot. Avs are clearly outplaying the Hawks (minus the penalties) (7.50pm)


[Collision: Stewart's goal was just taken off life support. Apparently it was incurably ill.]

Special Guest Text!
Bogdan von Pylon:
As advertised, the Flames being outplayed by the Oil. Fuck (7.54p)
[Collision: At this point, it was 1-0. It was about to get a whole lot worse.]

Collision:Turco sharp, though, and Hawks will ropeadope young Avs, wait for frustration, then counterattack w/ superior size and puck control. Avs worst faceoff team in the league last year, I think, w/ Hawks at/near the top. It's a worry.

Grimson: Save Scott and Seabrook, Hawks aren't that big, but I do expect good puck control. This Blackhawks team isn't as fast as it used to be and the Avs are.

Grimson: Sharp's a good sport, you could see him asking Anderson if he was ok after that shorthanded charge. (8.28pm)

Collision: Whoa. Avs living dangerously and getting away with it in the second.

Grimson: Winning faceoffs lead to goals. Oh yeah...fuck!
[Collision: We'll come back to this faceoff win and goal by Stastny.]

Collision: Really woulda preferred to avoid giving up that goal to make it 3-2. Fear the Hawks are playing ropeadope.

Hilarious radio moment from the second intermission: the guy was calling highlights and absolutely bellowed AND THAT'S WHEN STASTNY DID WHAT STASTNY DOES...followed by, in a very small voice...score big goals. Like he got halfway through his bit and lost all confidence in it. I loved it. And with my battery dying and my Lady joining me, I went off to eat a huge pile of delicous Thai food.

Grimson: Turco got a piece but not enough. Ouch. Was kinda close in my prediction, at least. Tied at 3, OT, with a minute left and Turco gets a piece, can't find it & the momentum pushes it in. (9.59)

Collision: Well, I think you got robbed by a young team flying on emotion and getting lucky on the PK. Turco mighta been yr best tonight, too.

I was wrong about Turco, for the record. He rang up a raft of flashy saves, but took the pipe on a one and a half soft goals. Save percentage of .902 won't get this Hawks team back to the finals.

So Grimson and von Pylon are bummed, and Bourne argues that they should be, because these starts are superduper important. I half agree with Bourne: for young teams, the buy-in factor is big, and early success leads to increased confidence. And a point he doesn't make is that veteran teams often start off a little slow, and lose points in the early going. But the Oil? Kinda doubt Khabibulin will post 35 wins, 10 shutouts. And the Hawks?

The Hawks lost this game because of Joel Quennville. Stastny was killing the Hawks in the faceoff circle, and Quennville kept trotting out the checking line instead of using the second-best 2-way center in the Central, Toews, against Stastny's line. Toews was curbstomping the Avs in the circle, and would have given Stastny a hell of a fight. Bad coaching non-move, but one I doubt we'll see again in the season.

Anybody but me worried that Stastny has 10% of last season's goals already?

last-second season preview

(with occasional live-blog MOMENTS OF RAGE as I listen to the Avs take three fucking penalties in the first fucking period against the fucking Blackhawks)

So von Pylon informs me that he hasn't time for clairvoyance. This is fine. I expect I'll be conduiting his rage-fueled despair from time to time this year.

Grimson (formerly Macajew)--take that! Stewart gets one!--claims he'll be bashing something out his own self soon, so please anticipate that one--lord knows I'm looking forward to him explaining how it was a good move, getting an old goalie with a skillset that's incompatible with an existing, and superb, defense.

Idiot-Trudeau offers the following, formatted for readability:

I got Canucks winning division (shocker!)
Flames getting a lower draft pick than the Avs,
[Collision: I think this is lucky Pierre claiming Avs & Flames both miss the playoffs]
Oilers a lower pick than both,
Thrash being the working class hero and barely making or barely missing the playoffs.
Chicago being nothing to write home about, SJ being a top team who loses in the first round, Montreal REALLY wishing they had Halak, St. Louis making the playoffs, Florida AND Toronto sucking, but still being better than Tampa somehow,
[Collision: heh. This is cute. I like the first and last claims, they're controversial and interesting, but everything in the middle is absolute conventional wisdom. Probably correct, but no way to start a fight.]
Ottawa still being a team no one further away from Ottawa than Hull gives a shit about,
Boston - Meh,
Rangers having a great goalie and Gaborik and still being on the bubble,
Flyers a low playoff seed, New Jersey missing the playoffs, Washington's coming out party (and I do mean GAY),
Pittsburgh takes the foot off the gas a bit more, but still good,
And a bunch of teams I don't care about being lame.
Canucks in Western Conf. Finals or seasons a bit of a bust.
Finals Prediction: Canucks - Capitals. Winner unclear.

Everybody got that?

Okay, here's what I got. Jibblescribbits stole my bit, or anyways got it into print before I did, but I have haiku for most of these teams.

Northwest
1. Canucks
creepy twins produce
while we stockpile bad d-men
and Luongo fails
2. Flames
what's up for the Flames?
prolly the same as last year:
best non-playoff team.
3. Avs
4. Wild
5. Oilers
actually, this is sad.
didn't they used to have a team
play in Edmonton?

Atlantic
1. Pens
2. Flyers
3. Devils
with Kovalchuk signed
and Brodeur's growth unending
Devils golf this June
4. Rangers
only one man can
make Lundquist irrelevant:
his name? Glen Sather.
5. Isles
between the has-beens
and the never-gonna-bes
lurk the Islanders

NE
1. Boston
snatch defeat from wins
or just suck the entire year?
hard choice for Beantown
Extra bonus haiku!
why pick Boston here?
SOMEone has to finish first
they seem to suck least
2. Buffalo
every year the same:
summer finds Sabres fans sad
and stuck with Lindy
3. Toronto
no, seriously, guys:
this year we take steps for sure.
no, seriously. guys.
4. Montreal
5. Ottawa
oh, man, still a team?
break 'em up already, sheesh!
before Alfie dies.

SE
1. Caps
human highlight reels
might make for Sharks East again
but they're fun to watch
2. Carolina
Cam Ward and Best Stall
can drag a team a long way
--even to first round!
3. Tampa Bay
mammoth offense, sure
one more good line than the Flames
but who can they stop?
4. Thrash
steal Blackhawk spare parts
trade Kovalchuk for puck bag
enjoy 2010
5. Panthers
still a team down there!?
"here's to all that gorgeous snatch"
contraction? maybe.

Central
1. Detroit
2. Nashville
3. Chicago
picture your future:
Keith glaring; Turco's 5-hole
gaping. forever.
4. St. Louis
5. Columbus

Pacific
1. Kings
all signs and portents
point to this squad surging forth
... until the first round
2. Sharks
dear the entire league:
we are better than you are
(until the playoffs)
3. Phoenix
4. Ducks
age and bad players--
"slide farther from relevance"
the coach must urge them
5. Stars

K. Avs now up 3-1, somehow, against the Blackhawks, and my battery is dying and The World's Best Girlfriend in The World is on her way to the coffee shop to get dinner bought for her, so I'm pretty much out.

Go Avs Go!
-Collision, getting rubbed off the puck

Avs season ends before it begins

According to Dater, Meuller's got another concussion and is out "indefinitely".

As I've been saying all along, Peter Mueller is a terrible hockey player whose history of injuries suggests that we shouldn't sign him at ALL. Wait. Actually I said something more like "I really hope he comes back and think he's good for 20-some goals next year". Well, fuck.

Head injuries: nothing sexy about those. I hope he heals up well and never hits his head again.

Collision, who's had his bell rung one too many times himself

sorry about yesterday, everybody

Turns out too much coffee can fuck you up. Anyhow, two things popped up today.

First, the Avs signed Mueller. I feel relief. Think he's a legit 20-30-50 guy on this team, and he definitely doesn't hurt the PP. So we got that goin' for us.

Second, and I'm very, very sorry for reading Deadspin--they're shitty writers who cater to the date-rape-and-AIDS-joke set and never even really talk about sports anymore--but this is awesome:

Gretzky punking Jordan about being cheap with a cocktail waitress? This is the stuff dreams are made of.

-Collision, getting ready for training camp

Clear the Crease Season Preview Preview

Here at Clear the Crease, we believe our numberless fans look forward to this time of year like a drowning man looks forward to his lungs finally rupturing against the relentless onslaught of river water, the way a Bruins fan looks forward to next year's Toronto first-rounder. Like Kansas City waiting to get the Isles, then not renaming them. Like a Blackhead fan looking forward to the Canucks in the second round--that's how our fans look forward to this time of year, because they know our Limitless Hockey Acumen invariably gets harnessed to the the service of channeling Insights You Won't Get Anywhere Else.

(Your Humble Editor, Chris Collision, in Axl drag, generating insights.)

Consider this a taster, a tiny introduction to the Clear the Crease Month of Season Previews. Over the month, we'll break down every player on every team in the NHL; we'll supplement that fact-flood with special analytic breakdowns on the teams we most crave and devour, the ones we wallow in and adore. Below, you will find excerpts pried angrily from our fever'd scribes. We throw them to you, the reader, like we throw babies out 'pon the frigid steppes. Please to treating them rightly!

jefcanuk on the Vancouver Canucks

The Sedins finally broke through! No longer the pedestrian point-a-game men--scarcely better than a Stastny--they'd been for some years, Henrik surged forth and deposited his pucks in every net he could find. When Daniel could bring himself to strap on the skates, he actually performed similarly to his newly-anointed HoF bro, on a point-per-game basis.

[Editor's Note:
But they're still creepy as hell.¹]

Best way to look at this team is all like The Fantastic Four. Not only do they have the amazing Sedin brothers, who are absolutely guaranteed not to revert to the mean and end up next year as point-per-game men, scarcely better than a Stastny, they have Ryan Kesler, who's practically as good as an American Gary Roberts! Except without the playoff heroics.

[Editor's Note:
And the mother-krunker cuts a mean fucking rug!
I would totally get a Kesler Rules My Universe tattoo on my neck if he signed with the Avs. Just sayin.³ Just sayin that until he does that, he's history's greatest monster.]

Rounding out the Canucks' Fantastic Four is Sweet Bobby Lou--as he is universally known in Gastown's better bars. Last year, he was his usual self--exceptional three games, then abysmal the fourth. Luckily, Vancouver Genius Manager Mike Gillis has the league's best backup goaltender, meaning Luongo is absolutely positively not going to get overworked this year either.

So with four good players and an unprecedentedly enormous collection of second-pairing D-men--or anyway, the largest such collection west of Toronto--the Canucks are well equipped to run roughshod over the Northwest Division and just in general look like world-beaters.

Until they end up in the playoffs and have to play against a squad with actual number-one defensemen and some team speed and maybe a goalie with a little bit higher panic point than the Sweet Bobby Lou Cavalcade of Whimsey.

So while they may be The Fantastic Four, it's impossible to believe that they'll be going four rounds deep in the playoffs. I do suspect they'll snare exactly four road wins in the playoffs, however.

Oh yeah, and they fired their franchise goalie's goalie coach without talking to him and are gonna strip him of his captaincy and he absolutely positively won't get off to a slow start because of the disses and distractions.

Bogdan Von Pylon as the prize--Calgary Flames and Atlanta Thrashers as the combatants!
OR
Two Awful Teams Beg for One Man's Loyalties: A Play in One Act

Calgary: You know you don't wanna root for the Thrash this year.

Atlanta: But Waddell's not doing his The Wadd shit this year! He's making shrewd moves, completely out of character. It's like Face/Off all over again.

Calgary: Shrewd moves? Like stocking up on depth forwards? Depth forwards who're overrated by virtue of a single Cup run?

Atlanta: ...

Calgary: Or did you mean trading Kovalchuk for a musty puck bag?

Atlanta: Johnny Oduya is not musty. He ... does tend toward the moist, however. We are going to be a lot better this year.

Calgary: Yes, losing all your scoring and not replacing it is usually considered a sure-fire recipe for success.

Atlanta: At least we didn't identify two locker-room cancers, trade them each away for pennies on the dollar, and then bring one of them back.

Calgary: At least we have a goalie.

Atlanta: You sure do. And there's a man you can pencil in for 40 wins ... as long as you start him 75 times. When are you gonna trade Iginla and start rebuilding?

Calgary: Never.

Atlanta: When are you going to get him a center?

Calgary: Also never.

Bogdan Von Pylon: May I pick a new team to follow?

YHWH: You may pick either the Dallas Stars or the Kansas City Czars New York Islanders.

Bogdan Von Pylon: Fuck me.

YHWH: Just did, thanks.

Bob Macajew on the Chicago Blackhawks

[Editor's Note:
Okay, sorry: I got so excited learning how easy it was to screencap Guns N' Roses videos that I crashed my computer and lost Macajew's season preview excerpt. What follows is my attempt to reconstruct same, using a blend of the memories of his work stored in my giant human brain and some text messages he sent me this summer. First the one; then the other.]

Blah blah blah bad joke bad joke defensiveness ill-chosen image bad joke bandwagon bliss blah panic over losing Fatty McCampsinthecrease bad joke actually claiming trading Neimi for Turco was a good and deliberate move Kool-Aid drinking blah blah hoist the Cup

I'd put a pint on Lebron [sic] wearin #6 for Chicago & I'd put 6 beers on Bears winning the NFC North this year and doing at least 2nd round, either by victory or 1st round bye.

Cubs are things that die

I don't know what team we're putting on the ice and beginning the season 0-1 is a real fear. Some sane people are saying Byfuglien may be gone in a "sell high" move [Editor's Note: fuckin' A]
& his crease presence isn't something that's easily replaced. Hossa is a much better player. No Hossa, there's still a Cup in Chicago; without Byfuglien, no Cup.⁴

I don't mind losing Sopel, but Buffy the Shark Slayer⁵ and Ben fuckin' Eager? We just went from Stanley Cup champs to the Chicago Tinkerbells.

Want Probert to un-retire⁶--as it stands, this team is Kleenex. Need size and toughness or Keith ain't gonna be the only one missing teeth.

The head tells me this is a smart move, but the heart is involved. Eager & Byfuglien were easy guys to root for & my favorite players next to Toews.

Sopel is also a great human being, if sometimes an absent-minded defenseman: adopted four kids after their parents died, is marching with the Cup in the Gay Pride parade.

[Editor's Note:
Fuckin' A. Speaking for everybody at Clear the Crease, good on ya, Sopel. We applaud your stand and will applaud every player who stands with you on this one.]

Still not sold on the Byfuglien disappearing act post-Cup, though I've seen him disappear in the regular season.⁷

Chris Collision on the Colorado Avalanche

I already told you how it's gonna go for the Avs in 2010-11. But I'll save you having to click the link:

[N]ext year, the team is almost certain to revert to the mean. What does that mean? 38 wins is what that means. You know how Cody McLeod went from 15 goals to 7 over the last 2 seasons? Well, it says here that:

• Saint Mayor Craig Anderson isn't playing 71 games next year
• Duchene and Stewart are gonna score 15 apiece, not 20 and 28
• Stastny will continue to be the world's greatest third-line center
• Our defense will continue to look horrifyingly inept against teams that are strong, fast, or skilled, because they are, as a group, weak/small, slow, and not great at moving the puck
• David Jones will be mediocre for a full, injury-free season, instead of a world-beater for a quarter of one
• Peter Mueller will play like a Coyote instead of a number-eight draft choice.⁸

Odds are that David Koci will have two beatings-received-of-the-year candidates again this year, just like last year, however.

But at least we won't be the parade-planning second-round specialists of Vancouver, the one-good-line (well, except at center) Calgary brain surgeons, a bunch of people in Edmonton who couldn't outfight or outskate Pat Quinn even if he put his cigar down, or the forgettable scrubs in St. Paul. Or whereever they put their dozens of remaining fans to sleep 41 nights a year. (I do applaud their decision not to bore them in the playoffs anymore, however.)

The simple fact is this: it's gonna be a long, hard season for the Avs next year. If you don't think so, you're arguing not so much with me as with history and science. Damn' near every forward overachieved last year, and Andy was absolutely revelatory. Don't bet on it happening again.

I basically stand by that. Thinking now maybe not so many as 38 wins, maybe fewer than 35. Look: what I wanted last year was a likeable squad who fought hard and with dignity on their way to a nice lottery pick. What I got was a likeable squad who fought hard and with dignity on their way to a perfectly honorable first-round loss to a much better team. This year, so long as I get the L.T.W.F.W.D., I'll take what comes. That said, another lottery pick or two will do us no harm in the long run.

-Collision, holding out for that guaranteed money

¹The other weekend, killing it and chilling it on the beach, I told The Best Girlfriend Ever "the Sedins're twins. they married twins. they had a twin wedding." and she actually snapped her head on around toward me and was all like "WHAT. THAT'S CREEPY."²

²When she's worked up, she speaks in all caps. I dig it. Like, a lot.

doldrums: the linkdumpening

I dunno exactly how long it'll be before the hockey season actually starts. I think it's on the order of 10,000 years, where every year you have 100 not-going-to-grad-school conversations with your mother, 100 yes-I-still-have-that-shit-job conversations with your father and zero conversations with your girlfriend because you don't have one because you sit around reading ancient blog posts about hockey instead of doing pushups and making sure your fingernails are clean.

That said. A couple gems plucked from the twitter feed of Wysh. Something to fill the endless swaths of dread-steeped time otherwise spent despairing over the probability that the Avs will be dead fucking last in the West this year while the pig-frigging Canucks run roughshod over all in their paths.

• Seriously?
  Anybody have the stones to call their fantasy team the Edmonton Swastikas this year?
• I always liked Khabibulin.
  Another gem. This is great. Just sprays bile over everybody involved in the situation. It's always great watching a fan's mind splinter into madness, and this guy reminds me strongly of the bit in Aliens where Hudson's getting dragged to his doom, screaming "you want some? here's some for you! oh, you want some too?"
  I don't want to oversell it, but everybody from Ford to Molson to Oilers GM Steve "overmatched and underfunded" Tambellini comes in for some abuse.
• Legacy piece here.
  Never a bad read when you're dealing with goalie fights, and this harks back to those halcyon days when Deadspin writers actually...talked about sports every once in a while, instead of descending to the fratboy date-rape-and-AIDS-jokes level of their commentariat.
• And one killer chart I got off of Jibblescribbits.
  I have made the argument in the past that my favorite player of all time is Eric Lindros, because of what he did for my Avs.

rodent redux

Absolutely fascinating, this approach to determining to what extent one should give bigtime dollars to aging players. While I'm not completely sold on the details, because these names are all from what now seems a bygone era, there's super food for thought here. And I muchly applaud the qualitative and comparative approach used by the rodent. While there's much to update, the information he extracts and highlights is infinitely preferable to the anecdotal nonsense that most of us, as fans, gravitate towards.

Except for the anecdote about how Sutter had a shitty overpaid Jokinen, banished him to Gotham, and then brought the fucker back completely on purpose. That anecdote is acceptable. Also acceptable? The one about how the Canucks gave Demitra a shit-ton of money for more or less zero production and are probably gonna do it again. It's funny every single time.