Thursday, October 7, 2010

last-second season preview

(with occasional live-blog MOMENTS OF RAGE as I listen to the Avs take three fucking penalties in the first fucking period against the fucking Blackhawks)

So von Pylon informs me that he hasn't time for clairvoyance. This is fine. I expect I'll be conduiting his rage-fueled despair from time to time this year.

Grimson (formerly Macajew)--take that! Stewart gets one!--claims he'll be bashing something out his own self soon, so please anticipate that one--lord knows I'm looking forward to him explaining how it was a good move, getting an old goalie with a skillset that's incompatible with an existing, and superb, defense.

Idiot-Trudeau offers the following, formatted for readability:
I got Canucks winning division (shocker!)
Flames getting a lower draft pick than the Avs,
[Collision: I think this is lucky Pierre claiming Avs & Flames both miss the playoffs]
Oilers a lower pick than both,
Thrash being the working class hero and barely making or barely missing the playoffs.
Chicago being nothing to write home about, SJ being a top team who loses in the first round, Montreal REALLY wishing they had Halak, St. Louis making the playoffs, Florida AND Toronto sucking, but still being better than Tampa somehow,
[Collision: heh. This is cute. I like the first and last claims, they're controversial and interesting, but everything in the middle is absolute conventional wisdom. Probably correct, but no way to start a fight.]
Ottawa still being a team no one further away from Ottawa than Hull gives a shit about,
Boston - Meh,
Rangers having a great goalie and Gaborik and still being on the bubble,
Flyers a low playoff seed, New Jersey missing the playoffs, Washington's coming out party (and I do mean GAY),
Pittsburgh takes the foot off the gas a bit more, but still good,
And a bunch of teams I don't care about being lame.
Canucks in Western Conf. Finals or seasons a bit of a bust.
Finals Prediction: Canucks - Capitals. Winner unclear.
Everybody got that?

Okay, here's what I got. Jibblescribbits stole my bit, or anyways got it into print before I did, but I have haiku for most of these teams.

1. Canucks
creepy twins produce
while we stockpile bad d-men
and Luongo fails

2. Flames
what's up for the Flames?
prolly the same as last year:
best non-playoff team.

3. Avs
4. Wild
5. Oilers
actually, this is sad.
didn't they used to have a team
play in Edmonton?

1. Pens
2. Flyers
3. Devils
with Kovalchuk signed
and Brodeur's growth unending
Devils golf this June

4. Rangers
only one man can
make Lundquist irrelevant:
his name? Glen Sather.

5. Isles
between the has-beens
and the never-gonna-bes
lurk the Islanders

1. Boston
snatch defeat from wins
or just suck the entire year?
hard choice for Beantown

Extra bonus haiku!
why pick Boston here?
SOMEone has to finish first
they seem to suck least

2. Buffalo
every year the same:
summer finds Sabres fans sad
and stuck with Lindy

3. Toronto
no, seriously, guys:
this year we take steps for sure.
no, seriously. guys.

4. Montreal
5. Ottawa
oh, man, still a team?
break 'em up already, sheesh!
before Alfie dies.

1. Caps
human highlight reels
might make for Sharks East again
but they're fun to watch

2. Carolina
Cam Ward and Best Stall
can drag a team a long way
--even to first round!

3. Tampa Bay
mammoth offense, sure
one more good line than the Flames
but who can they stop?

4. Thrash
steal Blackhawk spare parts
trade Kovalchuk for puck bag
enjoy 2010

5. Panthers
still a team down there!?
"here's to all that gorgeous snatch"
contraction? maybe.

1. Detroit
2. Nashville
3. Chicago
picture your future:
Keith glaring; Turco's 5-hole
gaping. forever.

4. St. Louis
5. Columbus

1. Kings
all signs and portents
point to this squad surging forth
... until the first round

2. Sharks
dear the entire league:
we are better than you are
(until the playoffs)

3. Phoenix
4. Ducks
age and bad players--
"slide farther from relevance"
the coach must urge them

5. Stars

K. Avs now up 3-1, somehow, against the Blackhawks, and my battery is dying and The World's Best Girlfriend in The World is on her way to the coffee shop to get dinner bought for her, so I'm pretty much out.

Go Avs Go!
-Collision, getting rubbed off the puck

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