Friday, September 23, 2011

Canadian Racism

With apologies to the Simpsons, I'm 36 years old and I only really know three things about this world.

  1. People who like English-language haiku too much are dunces.
  2. It is best never to think about your parents when giving/receiving oral sex.
  3. There is a backlash coming about this Canadian crap-stroker who threw a banana at Wayne Simmonds (who happens to be black).

Currently, this superb representative of London, Ontario, Canada, is absorbing a lot of abuse: in my Twitter feed alone, Chris Stewart, Greg Mauldin & Kevin Weekes all had strong words to say in defense of Simmonds' right to be free of awful garbage like this. (It's perhaps worth noting that Stewart and Weekes are both from Ontario and had no hesitation in calling this out as a racist act.) Down Goes Brown hit the obvious joke by quipping:

(I would probably buy tickets to this, honestly.)

Naturally, the grand doyennes of the field--Larry Brooks & Bob MacKenzie--have declared themselves above the fray, arguing that the dog-slurping swine who threw the banana was probably just looking for attention, which they shall nobly refrain from bestowing. Which I suppose I am willing to grant as their perogative: when you have the biggest platform, you have to be careful who you let stand on it, otherwise you run the risk of allowing reprehensible know-nothings to govern your country for a couple decades.

But the actual backlash that is coming will take a different form. Probably it will come when some intrepid stalker finds the rabbit-strangling spit cup of a human who threw the banana, and allows him to defend himself. The defense will take the typically Canadian form of stubborn insistence on willful ignorance, and will probably include language like:

I don't know what you're talking about. I threw the banana because I wanted Simmonds to slip on it and take a spill, so he wouldn't score. It's a classic bit! The idea that it was racist never crossed my mind--I'm Canadian, and we don't have racial tension here, so I don't understand the black man=monkey/monkeys-like-bananas slur. You in fact are the racists, not me.

Just you wait. I guarantee it's coming.

Oh, and I know one more thing. Wojtek Wolski may want a spot on the Rangers' top line, but he won't have it for long. I wish him the best: he's a likeable guy, and intermittently an excellent player. But he'll never be a full-time top-6 forward in the NHL.

Addendum: As I finished this, Brooks rolled back some of his reluctance to address the issue.

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