Canadian Density

Further to my prediction the other day, that the fetid garbage-pile in dad jeans who threw a banana at a black man would defend his actions as "not racist at all how could you even suggest such a thing I am shocked that this could possibly be construed as somehow racist", I would like to highlight the following statement from that man's lawyer (italics and parentheticals mine):

The lawyer for a man accused of throwing a banana at a black NHL player says his client deeply regrets what he did and had no idea his actions could be seen as racist.

Lawyer Faisal Joseph says Chris Moorhouse was caught up in the drama of a tense (preseason exhibition) game featuring his favorite hockey team and threw the banana at the Philadelphia Flyers’ Wayne Simmonds in hopes of preventing the winning (shootout)goal (in a preseason exhibition game). The Detroit Red Wings won in a shootout.

The lawyer says Moorhouse is “mortified” and deeply remorseful. Moorhouse fears the reputation of his family and hometown have been clouded.

Well, there are I think two take-homes from this:

• I fucking nailed it.
• If you don't want to cloud the reputation of your family and hometown, don't pull racist stunts and then defend yourself with mealy-mouthed pretenses. Try this: "yes, I did a racist thing, because I stupidly thought it was funny. I was wrong. I did a stupid and racist thing and I will try never to do a stupid racist thing again."

Canadian Racism

With apologies to the Simpsons, I'm 36 years old and I only really know three things about this world.

1. People who like English-language haiku too much are dunces.
2. It is best never to think about your parents when giving/receiving oral sex.
3. There is a backlash coming about this Canadian crap-stroker who threw a banana at Wayne Simmonds (who happens to be black).

Currently, this superb representative of London, Ontario, Canada, is absorbing a lot of abuse: in my Twitter feed alone, Chris Stewart, Greg Mauldin & Kevin Weekes all had strong words to say in defense of Simmonds' right to be free of awful garbage like this. (It's perhaps worth noting that Stewart and Weekes are both from Ontario and had no hesitation in calling this out as a racist act.) Down Goes Brown hit the obvious joke by quipping:

(I would probably buy tickets to this, honestly.)

Naturally, the grand doyennes of the field--Larry Brooks & Bob MacKenzie--have declared themselves above the fray, arguing that the dog-slurping swine who threw the banana was probably just looking for attention, which they shall nobly refrain from bestowing. Which I suppose I am willing to grant as their perogative: when you have the biggest platform, you have to be careful who you let stand on it, otherwise you run the risk of allowing reprehensible know-nothings to govern your country for a couple decades.

But the actual backlash that is coming will take a different form. Probably it will come when some intrepid stalker finds the rabbit-strangling spit cup of a human who threw the banana, and allows him to defend himself. The defense will take the typically Canadian form of stubborn insistence on willful ignorance, and will probably include language like:

I don't know what you're talking about. I threw the banana because I wanted Simmonds to slip on it and take a spill, so he wouldn't score. It's a classic bit! The idea that it was racist never crossed my mind--I'm Canadian, and we don't have racial tension here, so I don't understand the black man=monkey/monkeys-like-bananas slur. You in fact are the racists, not me.

Just you wait. I guarantee it's coming.

Oh, and I know one more thing. Wojtek Wolski may want a spot on the Rangers' top line, but he won't have it for long. I wish him the best: he's a likeable guy, and intermittently an excellent player. But he'll never be a full-time top-6 forward in the NHL.

Addendum: As I finished this, Brooks rolled back some of his reluctance to address the issue.

Resplendent and at Peace: Mike Modano

Stay gold, pony boy.

Jesus holds out

So if Drew Doughty, the King of the Kings, is holding out--JESUS FUCK DREW DOUGHTY LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE MARK RUFFALO