loose the hawks: SHADE AVERY at The Classical

The magnificent Tomas Rios read last week's Captains-in-Summer insanity and looked into his heart, and found a quivering bird there, and he did stroke the bird, and did fead it milk and sugar and drops of Buffalo Trace bourbon, and when the bird began to hop, he encouraged it, and, in due time, that bird breathed deep of the ether, and spread its wings, and took to the skies. Free. Cawing. Shitting on all that lay beneath it, its eyes sensitive only to weakness.

That bird's name is SHADE AVERY, and its nature is that of a television show built of Sean Avery criticizing people's fashion choices. Because he is a gentleman, Rios allowed me to help him nurse this shining, soaring bird to health, after which time David Roth came in editorially and taught the bird how to do amazing tricks, and made Tomas & YT both look a hell of a lot better. Then we bro'd down on the Internet for a while and now you can watch the bird soar at your leisure.

By way of a value-add to justify this post, I will note only that I wrote the following, and I have no idea what it means.

Are we just gonna sit around with our thumbs on our dicks?

The bird...has a Clear View.

Collision at the Classical Part Dos

Part Two of Captains in Summer is up over at The Classical: check it out for all your N-through-W team captains needs! To pimp it, I shall provide you the greatest blurb I expect I'll ever receive, from eternal class act editor, rad dude, and infinitely kick-ass writer David Roth:

Pt. 1 of @cfcollision's lockout-speculation on NHL captains was great. Pt. 2 has more cheese-with-hair-in-it/vampires: theclassical.org/articles/the-c…

— David Roth (@david_j_roth) September 25, 2012

Fire up your HEAVY TUNES of choice, and hit the link below!

Dion Phaneuf--Just got home and grimly, silently ate from a variety of cheap cheeses before discovering a disturbingly pale hair in one wedge. He's still standing in his dark kitchen, the heat-softening dairy lump in his hand, his mammoth-club of a jaw working, working.

In my head, this two-parter was a thirty-parter, a slideshow with each captain lavishly illustrated by CtC's own Bogdan von Pylon, the world's Sorry Your Heinous, or the Classical's incredible and essential Samarov or Eli Neugeboren. In my head, I can also dunk a basketball.

Here is a HEAVY TUNE for you to listen to while you read.

--Collision, who got more in store

Collision at The Classical

So you may have heard this, but the NHL owners have actually locked out the players, and nothing much seems to be happening negotiating-wise. Not all that much is happening on the ice either, the Joe-Thornton-to-Rick-Nash first-period-hat-trick last week in Davos, Switzerland, notwithstanding.

However, real leaders never quit grinding, and each NHL captain is demonstrably using this time to his advantage. In the spirit of 22 Short Films About Springfield, I give you 30 short stories about NHL captains during the lockout:

Chicago Blackhawks: Jonathan Toews
Horrible nightly dreams of legs lost to trains, cold steel rails throbbing as huge locomotives thunder away, blood pooling on ties and spikes.
He's not doing okay.

Fire up the Screaming Blue Messiahs, for a little slice of life background HEAVY TUNE action, and hit the link.

As a value-added for this here post, here is a joke that got cut, about the ever-jokesome Florida Panthers franchise:
It is funny that the Panthers fired their mascot three whole days into the lockout in a cost-cutting maneuver unrivalled since contractors lowballed the deck-chair supplier for the Titanic.

As a note for y'all, there may not be any jokes in it as funny as the one below.

Pretty sure Goodell thinks the bio of Patton he keeps by his bed but hasn't read tells him ending the ref lockout is unacceptable surrender.

— nayr (@nayrgeno) September 24, 2012

--Collision, capturing the spirit of the thing

a lonely nation turns its eyes to you

Pierre Idiot Trudeau is globe-trotting this summer, and last night he filed this report

.

Turns out I'd seen this one before, but any time we notice that there's a hockey player on a pinball machine, you're likely to hear about it here.

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There is absolutely nothing funny about a bus accident, and I dearly hope everybody involved in the Baroness bus crash is okay.

And it's a good reminder that our automated systems are inhuman, and, if not monitored, will make us inhuman, as shown by this carefully curated "you might like" section for bus crash fetishists enthusiasts.

--Collision, struggling to retain his humanity

(That said, I am kind of interested in that Alien Ant Farm wreck...)

an oral argument

Here at CtC, we go hard any--and every--time sports and politics intersect. I mostly don't pay too much attention to UFC/MMA anymore, b/c time is finite and I have been taught by my betters that life is short (and should be painful as well). So I owe it to the indispensible Tomas Rios that I became aware of the latest collision of athletic endeavor, the distribution of power across a population, and the exercise of raw, naked force.

It had not occurred to me that the Supreme Court might try to force me to perform fellatio on them. It had honestly never occurred to me that that might happen. Never crossed my mind. At no point did the potential of non-consensual oral-genital contact with any member of the Supreme Court of the United States enter my consciousness. (Well, I admit I'd entertained the possibility that Clarence Thomas might make some off-color suggestions involving mouths and his penis.) It is all to the good, then, that Josh Thompson has alerted me to the shocking and unpleasant likelihood that six elderly men may at any time show up and shove me roughly to my knees so they can attempt to jam their penises into my jaws.

Alertness, vigilance, preparation: thanks to not-at-all insane Josh Thompson and his helpful guidance, these shall be my watchwords and praxis. Alito? Thomas? Roberts? Kennedy? Scalia? Breyer? My lips are sealed.

--Collision, who has the right not to suck dick

Hockey Attire Selling L.A. Kings Championship Gear...before the Cup has been awarded

Having watched last night's game, I'm pleased that my Kings in 5 prediction is still alive, and even more pleased that whoever's proofreading Hockey Attire's emails is so sure the Kings are gonna take it.

Get your Kings championship gear! Before the Kings get their Cup!