WHO ARE THESE GUYS? Jew Grimson's award selections

[Ed. Note: Let me just ruin the joke: every award here is assigned to the young man shown below, whose non-threatening sexuality has, apparently, absolutely bewitched ol' Mr. Grimson.]

(Blackhawks Captain Jefferson Towes-Thomas)

[And how could you not give everything to Towes? I mean, it's not as if careful inspectation of his numbers on the year reveal a startling similarity to what everybody in the league is saying is Ovechkin's worst season as a pro or anything.]

You people are more insane than I am if you bother to read this, but here goes:

Norris: Sad to say, but it's not gonna be Duncan Keith, who apparently left his game somewhere next to his teeth. That or the EA sports hockey commercial where he was talking about doing everything himself must have made him think the opposite & thusly he's been doing NOTHING for himself. So even though he couldn't keep his torrid pace up (especially after signing that big 5 year contract), I'm gonna have to give the trophy to Dustin Byfuglien. Way to prove me wrong about the Blackhawks dumping you at the apex of your abilities. You're just lucky that Toews doesn't want to play at the blueline: otherwise he's the surefire Norris winner hands down.

Vezina: Hurts me to say this, but I'm gonna have to give the trophy to that flag-waving fucktard Quick...wait, this is MY trophy list and I can give it to whoever I want to. Toews! Then Crawford. Then Toews again. Fuck everything and everyone in the universe.

Calder: How can it be anyone besides Crawford? I mean, gutsy 90-year old rookie guides Chicago to a 2nd consecutive Stanley Cup? I'd give it to Subban if only he were more deserving AND PLAYED ON THE DAMN STANLEY CUP CHAMPIONS. Crawford by a million, a million two. (Reality? Subban. Then Toews, because he changed his game up and made it new. Toews' game for the Calder.)

Masterton: Iginla. 1st ballot Hall of Famer. Fuck all y'all. I know he's not a Blackhawk; he SHOULD be a Blackhawk. As it stands, he'll probably find himself on Detroit at some point and lift the Cup with them...WHEN BIZARRO BULLSHIT WORLD COMES TO PASS. His injury is: being a Flame. It's also what's noble about him. He'll retire a Flame. Real tip: It goes to Ray Emory, (sic) though fuck him in the ear-hole with an MX missile for beating Chicago yesterday. Fuckhead. But that aside, dude had Avascular Necrosis which basically means his hip bones started dying. Last I checked, the hip bones were pretty important to a goalie. That's pretty black metal. [Ed. Note: I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE. Note that Grimson has somehow shoehorned all three high-profile black players in the NHL into his post. Will he mention Chris Stewart and Evander Kane below? PROBABLY.] Also, he is Black Hextal (sic) but more likable. Also, Toews wins this, because he came back from AWESOME to become AWESOMER. Totes stole that from Idiot Treadeau and don't give a fuck.

Jack Adams: Coach Quenville's (sic) mustache. Not him; just his ‘stache. Fuck it, give it to Toews. He's a better coach anyway.

NHL Foundation Player Award: Awarded to the player who applies the core values of hockey to enrich the lives of people in his community Toews. Dude took the Cup to his hometown via public transportation!

King Clancy Memorial Trophy: Awarded to the player who best exemplifies leadership qualities on and off the ice and has made a noteworthy humanitarian contribution in his community. Toews. By virtue of his mere existence he makes the world a better place. 3 more Toews and all the world's wars end, universal health care and employment exist and labor is no longer alienated from workers.

Lady Byng: Alexandre Burrows. Just the way he spells his uber-crappy first name makes me want to punch him into next week, but at least I'd never pull his ponytail...if he had one. Yes, I do think this award is an insult; I also wouldn't be surprised if Kaner won it.

Mark Messier NHL Leadership Award: Of course it should be Blackhawks Captain Jonathan Toews. There is no doubt.

Hart: How can it be anyone else than Toews?

[Ed. Note: I dunno, maybe it could be one of the half-dozen guys with better numbers on teams higher than 8th in the West?]

Silke (sic): See above.

Conn Smythe: 2nd in a row...out of many forthcoming. Bye-bye to your record Roy.

In short, all awards: Toews. Honorable mention for Biznasty. Yeah, I stole that from P.I.T. I don't care. If you don't want it taken, don't leave it lying around. Seriously though, props. That was the best bit in any of these things.

[Ed. Note: ah. The "best bit in any of these things"...either he means "these things" are awards predictions, of which only two have so far been written, including this one, or he means "Biznasty for the Lady Byng" is the best joke he has seen on the site so far. If he means the latter, Your Humble Collision will stop typing on this humble site. Forever.]

WHO ARE THESE GUYS: Pierre Idiot Trudeau's award picks

[Ed. Note: First up in this year's who-gets-what-awards roundtable is Pierre Idiot Trudeau with some provocative hate speech suggestions.]

Norris: No Canuck to root for here, as it's been a blueline-by-committee kind of season. Last year's winner, Duncan Keith is unlikely to repeat. Perennial finalist Nick Lidstrom is having an off year (ONLY 58 POINTS! What a bum! (but seriously, -2?)), of course, he's old enough for the Honored Citizen discount on the bus.. Dustin Byfuglien, Tobias Enstrom, and Shea "Pierre Idiot Trudeau's Boyfriend" Weber are all worthy candidates, But I am going with a dark horse in this race, cuz, son, you can't get a handle on Keith Yandle.

Vezina: Luongo is having, arguably, his best season yet, and 'tis a Vezina caliber season to be sure. Jonathan Quick is also shining, sadly for those dudes, not one, but two other goalies are having record breaking seasons. Tim Thomas is a paper tiger whose numbers look good only because he's had so many shutouts, which we all know aren't the mark of a good goalie. [Ed. Note: Thomas' Sv% is 11% better than Luongo's; Thomas has seen 35 fewer shots in 5 fewer games (31.98 shots a game versus 29.75 for Luongo.)] Being good for one softie a game and then being able to take on 50 shots, now THAT'S the mark of being Roberto Luongo, er, I mean, a good goalie. Pekka Rinne is fucking ridiculous and I think he deserves it, cuz he ain't a Bruin and his name is fuckin' PEKKA.

Calder: No Canucks here, really, (though Schneider is awesome, 20 games won't bring home the hardware). This is between Crawford, Grabner, and Subban. Blackhawks can suck it and Crawford is like 35, so, no. As much as I would love Subban to take it so Montreal fans could have some hilariously racist celebration and then, a riot, I am gonna go with Grabner. I liked him on the Canucks last year and it will give the Vancouver media fresh meat for the bullshit pot...

Masterton: If i were to nominate a Canuck it would be Salo, to come back from an achilles injury [Ed. Note: fuck the Achilles; the guy lost a ball.] (after contemplating retirement because of it), is pretty badass. I doubt though, that will cut the league-wide mustard. This is a tough one, because without a clear cut case like, say, Phil Kessels nut cancer, casual observers of other teams don't often hear the stories of deserving players. I am gonna go with Milan Hejduk on this one for not issuing the "TRADE ME RIGHT FUCKING NOW!" ultimatum, for keeping his head high and trying every game while his team is in the basement, and for, apparently, deciding that he wants to stay an Av and finish as an Av. Hate your team, like your style.

Mark Messier NHL Leadership Award presented by Bridgestone: What the fuck?! Two problems here: 1) Why am I subjected to advertising from a goddamned trophy? Ed. Note: because Messier was tired.] 2) Why the fuck is there a Messier award and no Gretzky award? [Ed. Note: because Messier didn't humiliate himself after he retired.] Screw this award in its stupid face. Messier led the Canucks to the fucking golf course for three fucking seasons so fuck that guy. I guess I will go with Rick Nash. He leads his team the same way.

[Ed. Note: BOOOOOOOOOOOM.]

NHL Foundation Award: I have no idea what this is and I don't care. Paul Bissonette.

Lady Byng: Matt Cooke. Hands down.

(Matt Cooke, left, with hands down.)

Jack Adams: This is going to smack of complete homerism, but, Alain Vigneault is the clear winner. More than 300 man games lost to injury, more players used and more lineups than any other team and yet he's kept the Ship not only upright, but steaming straight ahead.

Selke: After Datsuyk being injured for a significant number of games, this is a two man race: Kesler and Toews. Kesler is the clear winner, as he is ever the stoic gentleman, serious captain, oh wait, Kesler's a jackass. But a freight train of epic proportions. And Toews is a Blackhawk, so, fuck him.

Hart: Consistency and lack thereof will probably decide this one. /bait Toews even being talked about here is laughable. /bait D. Sedin, Stamkos and Thomas are my finalists. With a bit of a slump at the end, I think Stammer comes in third on my ballot. Sedin, by a hair.

[Ed. Note: awesome work there. I can safely say that reading that pretty much did my ballot for me!]

a creamy portal OR how you will know Chris Collision

I noted the other day that the NHL, golly! what personalities these guys have! I mean, when it comes to unfettered, educated, wide-ranging minds, Canadians hockey players are very nearly as interesting as baseball players. Before Pierre Idiot Trudeau starts flipping out, I will acknowledge that "interesting" as it pertains to athletes usually translates to "spouting insane right-wing horseshittery" and I will concede that a nice, dull socialist Canadian is in fact preferable to a can't-take-your-ears-off-of-him sociopath like Gary Zimmerman or whoever.

As an Avs fan, this was recently pawned off on me as the result of an interview.

Now, I've taken some heat for my behind-the-scenes arm-twisting of my beloved other site contributors, particularly because this arm-twisting doesn't come with the kind of lightning-fast formatting and posting that can be expected of a guy with a full-time job, The World's Best Girlfriend In The World, other writing projects, and a full, rich suite of hobbies.

(Chris Collision shown engaging in his primary hobby.)

So I won't be suggesting that our Art Dude Bogdan von Pylon should 'shop pictures of us onto the answers we would give to these questions, answers surely far, far more entertaining than "I like movies, TV about dickheads, exercising, and then not exercising while not reading".

1. Where would you like to retire following your career?
   Well, I've always thought Barcelona was a truly overlooked and underrated world city, but I'd have to say that the real decision would probably come down to Funkytown vs. Erotic City.
   
2. Do you prefer reading the book or watching the movie?
   Well, I'm not at all convinced that this is an interesting distinction. On one hand, the two different art forms often can offer fascinatingly divergent interpretations of what is perhaps only nominally the same thing. On the other, it seems likely that the best books are all but completely incapable of being properly rendered in a spectacular medium like film--and vice versa! Surely no filmic equivalent of Melville's musing on the color white--and I choose that example advisedly, to be sure--has ever been constructed. And let us not underrate the power of film! No prose stylist who ever lived could match the awesome potency of the Super Star Destroyer flying--and flying--and flying--over the audience's head at the beginning of Star Wars. I suppose, then, that my answer must necessarily be "when either is maximally itself, both, and where the two mediums overlap and strive to achieve similar aims, likely neither".
3. What was your favorite subject in school?
   Oh, just the one? Heavens, it's practically impossible to answer this. While my heart and soul sang with the potential and rage of the titans of social science--Marx, Weber, C. Wright Mills--my mind was consumed with the promise and delight of Dell Hymes, Jerry Goldsmith, and James McCawley. However none of those Elysian Fields would have been available to me without a certain rigor of mind, so I must yield pride of place to the mathematics taught me by a man I could never not call "Mr." Ott, and to the logic battered into my resistant mind/brain by dint of main force by Mark Bedau. --And bless them both of them, because you may be certain that neither man was without quite a difficult task in front of him!
4. What is your favorite TV show right now?
   Oh, I adore Charlie Rose, don't you? How could one not!? But, and this may surprise you, I simply can not keep myself from watching Perry Mason whenever it's on! I know--it's absurd, but something about that show is just...it's as satisfying as pommes frites and a nice Belgian. Belgian ale, naturally.
5. What is your favorite hobby away from the rink?
   Would you think less of me if I were to say "rockin' the vaj"? Well, no matter, for I shan't say that--less a hobby than a vocation, really. So far as hobbies are concerned, I should think mine are every man's--improvement of the mind, body, soul, and bloodline by whatever means come to hand, from careful meditation upon the works of the ancient world to frank wallowing in the excrecence of the most hyper-modern artists and thinkers, not excluding investigations of the rankest and most tawdry passions nor long Spartan endeavours with one's fellows, with pull-ups and clean, strong penetration. Every hobby, after all, is a creamy portal into the world one would prefer.

prediction corner: Trudeau on Eastern round 1

Brought to you by SNACK FLAG, here are Pierre Idiot Trudeau's predictions for the first round of the Eastern playoffs.

I think the standings will pretty much stay the same in the East, so I'll start there.

1 PHI vs. 8 BUF: This one is a no brainer unless Miller gets real hot and Pronger stays out. Even then, it would take a pretty checked out Flyers squad to get upset here. 4-1 Flyers.

2 WSH vs. 7 NYR: Here we have two teams surging, two goalies hot, and two teams that have no real love for each other. Given the Caps recent playoff history, and the Rangers having Henrik Lundqvist, I figure this one is ripe for upset, but it will take 7. 4-3 Rangers.

3 BOS vs. 6 MTL: Ahhh, two teams I hate, but love to watch play in the playoffs. Remember when Milbury called Burns a fatass? Like 100 times? 4-2 Bruins.

4 PIT vs. 5 TB: The Lightning have no goaltending (Roloson's numbers have gotten WORSE since coming over from the Isles), no defence (that's how we spell it in Canada) and a highlight reel line that WILL be shut down come playoff time. The Pens have a Cup winning goalie, and if he comes back healthy, Sidney fuckin' Crosby. 4-2 Pens.

drubbing one out

The Winterhawks completely destroyed the Silvertips (or SilverTABS, as Tracy calls them) 7-2. That Mac Carruth is a hell of a goalie. Everett's goalie, on the other hand, well, let me just say you can't spell 'I'm a sieve and I suck pole' without 'Luke Siemens'. Is there anything better than making fun of an 18 year old amateur hockey player? No. I don't think there is. Highlights included: Red Fang's Prehistoric Dog after a brutal hit, lesbians on the 'kiss cam' (ah, Portland) and humiliating the hated Silvertips.

-pierre idiot trudeau, 2:47 TOI, 15 PIM, game misconduct

Avs season in review part 1: goaltending, Adrian Dater, the ashes, the rain & I

nothing is fucked? the PLANE has crashed into the MOUNTAIN

Well, it's been a week of freaking out and being 'way too busy trying to unruin my life to worry about hockey diligent effort to figure out The Meaning of the Avalanche 2010-2011. And here's what I've come up with.

But I do have a few thoughts.

Thought the Number of Which is: 1

Good goaltending is kind of important.

(Handy guide for Avs fans considering next year's goaltending options.)

The Hockey Rodent once put together a typically cranky, spiky, compelling statistical analysis that suggested it's better to have

• an inconsistent goalie who steals one here, loses one singlehandedly there, and is okay the rest of the time than it is to have
• a guy who gives up three goals literally every single game.

Now, I like and respect this analysis, and but need to offer a couple addenda.

Addendum to the Thought the Number of Which is: 1 the Letter of Which is: a

Anything is better than a goalie who gives up four goals every single game. Sorry, Boods. It appears as though you just plain can't buy win #100 in an Avalanche uniform. You were a good backup and a better person, and I can't imagine a single Avalanche fan who wants to see you back in the burgandy and blue.

May the road rise to meet your step, the pucks always come straight and unscreened, and may you never again play behind a defensive corps as shoddy as the one you had this year.

Addendum to the Thought the Number of Which is: 1 the Letter of Which is: b

On a bad team, like the Avs, you aren't likely to get a goalie who balances games stolen with games given away. You're much more likely to get a goalie who balances games given away with games played really well but you just can't buy a break against a better team and so you lose a heartbreaker.

Now, I want to be very very clear: Idiot Trudeau recently accused me of, inter alia, subscribing to some kind of hard-luck narrative for the Avs' season. I subscribe to no such thing. While I haven't quite determined what I think the most accurate summation of this season would be, I'm leaning toward

the roster was poorly constructed and the coaching was both slightly suboptimal (slash below the league average) on an Xs and Os level and incapable of getting the team to play well in the first 10 minutes of games.

(Handy guide for Avs fans considering this year's goaltending.)

The "can't buy a break" italics up there are meant as a distanced parody of a stupid set of excuses about a loss.

That said, Avs non-savior Brian Elliott probably did play his best two games as an Av in losses against San Jose and Vancouver.

I sort of doubt he'll be back, and I am sure I think he's not a legitimate #1 goaltender in the NHL. The skill is I think there: you don't play well against good teams by accident.¹ But he is wildly inconsistent, has a track record of sub-average performance at the NHL level, and, as I've argued before, since he is a goalie in the middle of changing his technique, he is unlikely to perform well when he's working for a penny-pinching franchise that is unwilling to employ a full-time goalie coach.³

Addendum to the Thought the Number of Which is: 1 the Letter of Which is: c

Avs beat writer Adrian Dater has been unswerving and unstinting in his assertions that Craig Anderson absolutely did not give up on the Avs. Dater's claim is that the whilom St. Mayor's struggles were due to being out of rhythm post-injury, a terrible defense, and, uhm...those are the things that Dater believes made Craig Anderson a bad goalie this year.

Interestingly, however, these things seem to have been completely fixed by a trade to Ottawa.⁴ Anderson has found his rhythm, finally, and is apparently playing behind a much-improved defensive corps, because his numbers have skyrocketed.

Avalanche numbers: 13-15-3, 3.28 GAA, .897 Sv%, 0 SO
Senators numbers: 7-4-0, 2.00 GAA, .940 SV%, 1 SO

I'm on record as rooting for the man, even on his new team, and I'm glad he got the long-term deal he wanted (4 years, $12.75 million). I'm sad, however, that apparently Brian Elliott is now completely out of rhythm, and suffering badly as he plays behind an Avalanche defensive corps that is clearly much, much worse than the one he used to play behind. Just look at how his numbers have completely plummeted since he was acquired by Colorado.

Senators numbers: 13-19-8, 3.19 GAA, .894 Sv%, 3 SO
Avalanche numbers: 2-5-1, 3.72 GAA, .890 Sv%, 0 SO.

It's like he's a completely different guy for the Avs.

--Collision, playing for next year's contract by being a flaming dick to his betters
(The numbers above will be slightly out of date when this post drops on monday--as I write this on friday night, Andy just put up another shutout, and Elliott may play tomorrow against the Kings.

¹ There is an argument that says he hasn't seen these good teams bring their A game, because the Avs have been bottomfeeders as long as he's been here. I dig that. Especially because, as noted, even though I judge him as having played well, in the end, he lost both of these games, suggesting that when the bad guys² other team turned it on played to their talent level actually started trying, he was unable to meet their skill with his own.

² Have I mentioned how much I loathe grups who say "bad guys"? Christ, it galls.

³ This is not complaining; this is not excuse-making; this is a howl of outrage over an organization that has failed to understand that a three-million dollar investment in a goalie can be undermined by failing to make a half-million dollar investment in proper support personnel for that goalie. Or, as an old co-worker and pal used to say, "stepping over a dollar to pick up a dime".

⁴ Pierre Idiot Trudeau loathes Dater. A couple other Avs diehards do as well. I like him, though I think he's damn' wrong about Andy unless and until he comes up with an explanation that better fits the facts. The following are three Dater blog pieces that I think are excellent and very illustrative of the guy:
a bad day at work
a worse day at work
notes from a night when, yeah, it was fucking rainy

Wanna hate on him? knock yourself out. Just don't do it at me.

watchin' some hockey before I go watch some hockey

It was a bit of a rough morning as it's my beloved Tracy's only day off in a stretch of 11, and she (predictably) had a taste for the booze last night. For my part, it was the busiest night I've worked in a while, and there were friends and liquor around 'til 6 in the A.M. A little thai food, soda water, and a couple of episodes of Modern Family, and we were good to go.

Von Pylon and I are headed to see the Portland Winterhawks demolish the Everett Silvertips (or, the Wingtips, as Collision is fond of calling them) in a playoff match. As we are lucky enough to have ladies, and ladies that a) like spending time with us, and b) enjoy a good hockey game, Von Pylon's Dr. Girlfriend and Tracy will also be attending. Oddly, in this best Winterhawks season since Marian Hossa was on the team, I have not yet been to a game. Back in 07/08, when the 'Hawks amassed 25 points and Curtis Mucha saw approximately 97,000 shots, Collision, VP and I went three times. I guess you can't call me a fair-weather fan, you can just call me a bad fan.

Firstwise, though, I am watching a little of the Canucks/Blue Jackets (Flak Jackets? Cuz they take so many shots? Wait, flak jackets actually STOP some shots! Hey-yo!) game. 'Tis a dreaded eastern time afternoon game. I expected my boys to come out flat, and Schneider to have to stand on his head, but the 'Nucks are up 1-0 after one. Hamhuis went down, and if it's serious, I'm gonna cry, but other than that, things look good.

Looks like it's gonna be a good day...

UPDATE: The Canucks have decided to come out flat in the second period, and Schneider is having to stand on his head. Backhanded Compliment of the Day Award goes to 'Nucks color man John Garrett for congratulating Rick Nash on being the likely captain of Canada's World Championship squad. Because you know, he usually is.

Here be some Screamo for ye.