uh. what?

A million years ago, I was a parts clerk at a vendor for coin-operated amusement and vending machines. I spent most of my day wearing a walkman, blasting my brain with HEAVY TUNES, doing shipping, receiving, inventory, all of that.

And one of my duties was always to make sure the parts area of the warehouse was organized, clean, blah blah woof woof. (Those of you who have seen my desk may gather that some parts of this task were easier for me than others.

Anyways, the point is this: whenever I would come across some ill-identified piece of equipment, something that wasn't familiar to me and that fifteen minutes of research couldn't identify, I would grab my Marks-A-Lot and label the fucker: BAFFLE.

Because it baffled me.

And so does this promotion.

UPDATE: The World's Best Girlfriend in the World notes that the promotion includes "GOT CURRY?" shirts, which suggests that the Marketing Genius Behind This One noted the Warriors' roster included one Stephen Curry and leapt immediately to HOLY SHIT CURRY IS ALSO A KIND OF FOOD THAT INDIANS LIKE.

Which makes me grateful that there's nobody on the team with the last name of "Watermelon".

an audition for ESPN

One of these things is not like the other.

So, ESPN? You have clearly mastered the cut and paste process. However, it seems as though you have not yet figured out how to find and replace. As a man who can hit CTRL-F without even looking at his hands, I would like to offer my services to you.

I will work for $100,000 a year and two DVD copies of each of the Avs' cup run highlights. Also: I will be working from home and you have to hook me up with cable. And not basic cable, either: I want the big-boy package* and high-speed internet and I will not wear pants.

*TWSS!

--Collision, angling for a job where all he does is insult his betters

horrifying, filthy, awful pornography

All I wanted to know was what's a hat trick? and the dictionary did this to me.

Well...okay...this is good to know about, I guess.

Okay, but we're not talking about hat tricks yet.

Uhm. Is there a trend shaping up here?

OH GOD WHAT'S THAT JESUS CHRIST FUCK

LINE BRAWL: you're going DOWN for this, Cody! you're a LOOSE CANNON!

Pierre Idiot Trudeau
Pretty sure the Canucks have thrown their hat into that biggest and most exciting of rings: The Marty Reasoner Sweepstakes. Aw yeah!

Collision
I just came in my pants.

Bogdan von Pylon
That guy was awesome when he was the best thrasher.... Pretty high bar there.

Collision
I just googled him and off to the right it said "Also try: Brian Gionta".
Sick burn there, google.

Pierre Idiot Trudeau
Would love him on the fourth line. If only to NEVER have to see Cody Hodgson play again. That dude makes me sad for so many reasons, not the least of which is that HIS NAME IS FUCKING CODY.

Collision
My favorite Av is named Cody. What are you getting at?
Besides, the nickname potential is amazing: Cody non-Hodgson's Lymphoma... Cody Hogleg...

Pierre Idiot Trudeau
I'm getting at the fact that the name Cody *fucking* sucks. Dog balls.

Collision
I think we can all agree though that "Marty Reasoner" is the greatest hockey name ever in the category of Hockey Names That Could Be a Woody Allen Protagonist's Name.

Editor's note: Codys from the internet. Frisky Dingo fucking rules.

LINE BRAWL: how to trade for Eric Brewer if you are a balloon with internal structure

Collision
Boston: Tampa Bay sees you one Tomas Kaberle and raises you one Eric Brewer. Advantage: Tampa Bay.

Pierre Idiot Trudeau
If the Kaberle deal is any indication, I'm pretty sure the deal is for Stamkos, 5 first round draft picks, a chest full of gems and a dirigible.

Collision
You're forgetting the Yzerman factor. The deal will be for a 2nd-rounder in 2087 and Marvin St. Louis.
The Blues are gonna be fucking bummed.

Pierre Idiot Trudeau
WE GOT HOSSA! Yeah THE Mario Hossa!

Collision
"Hey, guys, we just traded for Roy comma Patrick!!"
Seconds pass.
"Fuck. We actually just traded for a guy named Roy Patrick. Who, I am being informed, was a flipper baby. And who reads at a third-grade level. He may be the last of the Plantagenet dynasty."

Jew Grimson
I'd take Raul Bonham, Joe Paul Jones, Boris Paige and Morris Plant (pretty sure that's the "dirigible" Idiot Trudeau was talking about, right?) over what the Blackhawks got for the ironically named Skill(e). Look 'em up fuckers, they're real.

Collision
Unfortunately, you ended up with Kingdom Come. :(

Jew Grimson
[/surrenders, bested]

Collision
Surrendering? What are you, the Avs GM?
I wrote this, through my rage-filled tears. http://clearthecrease.blogspot.com/2011/02/hoof-arted.html
My tears taste like bourbon.

Jew Grimson
For the record, my interest in Goalie Guild was strictly from what I read on twitter (back when I still paid attention to that thing), which was blissfully free of the armchair-Freud-meets-bad-1950's-serial internal monologue/quasi-stormfront sounding Norse Reichspeak. Wow is that guy scary.

Editor's note: Amen, brother.

LINE BRAWL: rage in the corn port

Bogdan von Pylon:
Who here is really tired of the endless speculation about where the fuck Mr. Excitement Kaberle is going to go... And when he'll waive his NTC?
Enjoy Boston, you prick.

Pierre Idiot Trudeau
Boston got ROBBED. A first rounder, conditional second AND a living breathing hockey player? For a guy NOT under contract past june?

Jew Grimson
I give him about a week before Cooke ends his career too.
Insert insult x about Jew Grimson here so I can say I beat you fuckers to the punch.

Bogdan von Pylon
Oh yeah, Grimson... Lets all dogpile on the mopey kike so he can scream "Godwin's Law" and look totes clever. Fuck that.
Kaberle end his own career... Probably trying to parallel park between Chara and Valabik.
And about that... whats up with the huge Czech D?

Collision
Seriously, who gives a flying fuck about a second-tier power-play specialist? People are acting like Boston just added Chara.2.0 or Pronger or somebody. What they added was a guy who put up modest numbers for a team that hasn't played a meaningful game since the lockout.
Great job, Boston.

Pierre Idiot Trudeau
Yeah, DGB's assertion that Boston is now a "Cup favorite" is a little odd.

Bogdan von Pylon
I don't give a fuck, that's the goddamned point. Every asshole and his queer cravat loves to crawl around sniffing after Kaberle's corn-port, and all I want them to do is shut the fuck up about him.
Jesus. Read much?

Collision
DID YOU KNOW his name is actually pronounced more like "k'burly"?
He is more than six feet tall and he weighs well over 18 stone! A citizen of the CrossCheck republic, he knows how to skate both forwards and sideways, and frequently has two hands on his stick!
His favorite car is an Audi, but the sporty one. As a child, he dreampt of becoming a milliner, but was forced into hockey by the repressive capitalist state apparatus his father, a forensic accountant, worked for.
He sleeps upside down, like a bat, claiming that every second spent prone or supine "costs you one furlong of vital potency". He can lift a car battery over his head with one arm. His dream journal was a best-seller in Brazil.

Jew Grimson
Different story with a healthy Savard. Boston could be as good as anyone in the East if Rask would have lived up to more of his potential, conceding how young he still is. Thomas has played above himself. Bergeron has played well and will continue to, but Seguin's still to young to be any real force on this team. In short, good team, but far from being a Cup contender.

Collision
You think Rask's potential is to be better than Thomas this year? No goalie has ever finished a season with Thomas' save percentage.

Jew Grimson
Not saying that, I'm just saying that if I'm an opposing team and I see that Rask is in net, I'll start salivating. [Ed. note: as of this writing: Rask has a .920 save percentage and a 2.67 GAA with 2 shutouts in 22 games] He's better than being just a warm body in front of the net. And really, did you think Thomas would be playing this well this year, because I didn't see it coming.

Collision
Did I think the guy who was injured last year and a Vezina winner the year before that would play well this year? Yes. Yes I did.
Did I think that through nearly 60 team games played he would have a historically high save percentage? No, of course not.

too dumb to play with themselves part 5

I don't want to get too deeply into this, but this is the stupidest lede I have ever read.

Eli Whiteside must know how Joe Biden feels, because vice president of the United States and backup catcher on a playoff team have a lot in common.

I mean, if you take the comparison seriously and try to extend the analogy NO I WON'T I DON'T WANT TO AND I WILL NOT DO IT.

I don't know. Go look at some fucking cats or something.